Post # 1
So DH and I have started the house hunting process! We went out hunting on Saturday and found a house we loved! We did some research and wanted to ask FIL to go see the house and see what he thought. I had reservations about this because I KNEW that MIL was going to freak out about us liking a house. I just knew. DH assured me this wa exciting news and they would be happy.
So tonight we go over there. We say we had fun house hunting this weekend and the first thing MIL says is “You didn’t find a house did you?”. We tell her that there was one we really liked and were interested in looking at it again. Well she flips out. She goes on this long tirade about how “no one finds a house the first time they go out”, how we’re impulsive, irresponsible, and that we should look for at least 8 to 10 months and maybe wait another year or so to buy because unforseen things can happen with a house. Yes we knew this and understand it, but with that logic we would NEVER get into a house because something can ALWAYS happen. Anyway, we’ve only looked at 6 houses and planned to go out again next weekend and look at this house and some others. It’s not like we put down an offer, just that we LIKED the freaking thing. She concludes with some line about how it’s just advice and we can do what we like. I agree with her and she goes off on her speal about how we hope we know what we’re getting into, etc etc.
Now I love MIL but she HATES when people don’t agree with her advice. She can’t just give advice and let it be taken or not, she wants people to go with it (even though she makes a big deal about how it’s “just” advice). And actually we didn’t even ask for advice, we just wanted to share our fun weekend.
So now, DH is irritated and starts in with “maybe she’s right, blah blah blah”. I’m irritated because I feel like we talked about all these things before but DH is a people pleaser and hates to dissapoint his parents. I, on the other hand, feel stifiled because I feel like we cannot make our own decisions because he tends to cave to what his parents think, though he says this isn’t the case.
So now, I’m just pissed, DH is pissed, and MIL is pissed.
Post # 3
Any thoughts, advice, anything?
Post # 4
Eh, I saw my apartment on Tuesday, put a bit on Thursday, lost the bid on Saturday. First buyer fell through and got it the following Monday. 2 weeks total. I had been apartment hunting for a few months, but when it comes to real estate I am firm believer in ‘if you see it, if it’s right, get it”
I think you need to be straight with FI that you guys want to get a place when it’s right for YOU not when it’s right for MOM. And simply try not to chat with mom about the house hunting process.
Post # 5
@Treasure43: I’m really sorry about all of that.*hugs* That sucks.
I’m going to give some advice of my own now, but it’s just advice. (hehe)
Perhaps you and your SO (or just you for now if he’s still pissed) should sit down (if you haven’t already) and make a list of what you are looking for in a house. Then make a list of what the house you liked had. See if they match. If they do, show it to your SO. Telling him that you were just lucky to find a house that had so many of the features you were looking for. That yes, you still need to look into a few things, get it checked out etc. but that it’s ok to find a house so early, because you knew what you were looking for. But you aren’t stopping the search just because you might like one. It’s not cheating, you can like more than one house at a time. 😛
Don’t bring your MIL into the conversation AT ALL. Just address “his” issues that he has.
Of course you can find a house early and as long as it is checked by the right people then it’s fine! Jeeze MIL, it’s better than not finding one at all.
Post # 6
I found a condo that I fell in love with after looking for only 2 weeks, I was convinced by everyone that I should keep looking and so I did and 2 weeks later I still hadn’t found anything so I was going to put in an offer on my dream condo and of course…someone beat me to the punch. I cried for a few hours and decided that the next time I fall in love with a place I won’t let it go. I still haven’t found somewhere that I love as much as I did that condo.
I agree with @Rubies: this isn’t your MIL’s house…it’s a house where the two of you will start your family. Just remind your FI of this 🙂
Post # 7
Yeh, I guess I don’t understand why she is so angry? I am assuming from how you wrote that you are currently living with his parents? Please correct me if I am wrong. But if you are, maybe its some sort of hang-up about her baby boy moving out?
I think she will basically get over it (with maybe a few grudging comments throughout the years), but if its the right house, you’ll love it for years. I agree, you’re not putting a bid down, so whats the harm in looking again? If you fall in love even more, then isn’t that the sign to maybe consider putting in a bid?
I’m sorry that this is a problem for you two. Really it sounds like she has an unrelated issue, and she is using this to vent.
Post # 8
Yikes. Why is this your MIL’s business? If it were me (and my in-laws really like to stick their noses in and give advice where it’s unwanted), I would say:
Your son and I are adults, and as we’ve given you no reason to think we’re morons, how ’bout you just trust that we’ll make the decision that’s right for us, and be happy for us when we do? When and if we want your input, we’ll be sure to let you know.
But then, I have a really low tolerance for meddlesome inlaws at the moment. 😉
Post # 9
Oh, and DH and I shopped for, found, made an offer on, had the offer accepted, and signed on the dotted line to purchase our home inside of 48 hours. Now, we HAD to because we were moving and shopping from across the country, but my point is that if you do your research and are smart about what you’re looking for, you don’t have to take a year to find the right place. When you find it, you find it.
Post # 10
@farmgirl2106: Actually we’re living in an apartment right now. DH and I are both frustrated that we’re basically throwing money away to live in an apartment. We’re not rushing into buying anything and we don’t feel pressured. We didn’t expect to find a house we loved the first time we went out. We happened to. Who knows what will happen. We may visit it again and not like it, they may not accept our offer (if we were to make one), there may be something wrong with the house, who knows!
I think the main issue is that I, personally, feel stifiled. I feel like I cannot make a decision without the ILs being involved and I feel like I’m starting to resent them because they’re so conservative about everything. I don’t feel the need to continue searching for months and months if we’ve found something we love, in our price range, and that has everything we want.
I told DH I’d like to not talk about these things with his parents and he got VERY offended. So I’m not real sure what to do there because I feel as though he becomes very upset and defensive whenever I talk about setting some boundaries or making our own decisions.
Post # 11
@Treasure43: Oh, I can respect that. My husband works for a ranch owned by his parents, so the house we live in is owned by them. The hand-me-down car I drive was from the ranch so for a while they had a say. They own half of “our” horses. They control our free time during parts of the year, because they also own a hunting lodge which they expect us to help out at during hunting season (I’m NOT helping this year, no matter how guilty they make me feel :)). We go through them for insurance because its through his work. So I totally get it. They are involved in every facet, and you want to be an adult on your own.
I think then that this is a situation for that hard talk where you need to get your SO on board, and politely, but firmly tell your in-laws that you need them to respect your authority on your own lives. That is not a talk we’ve had yet, but my husband also understands that I come first now (at least by our understanding of marriage) and he generally sticks up for me. But, this necessary talk is definitely not one I’d enjoy having. 🙁 Good luck!
Post # 12
Thanks for all the helpful advice ladies!
I think I overreacted a little bit! Upon actually talking more with DH, he said he is still planning to ask his dad today at work (he works with his dad) to go see the house with him this week. He just didn’t want to do it yesterday since emotions were running a little bit high. He also said he just wants us to go back and create a few different budgets with different variables. I guess I took his comment of “maybe we can’t afford a house” as “let’s stop this whole house hunting process”, when really he just wanted to create another budget.
I also let him know that I”m unhappy with the way things are right now in terms of feeling like we have to tell his parents everything that goes on and make their advice factors in our decisions. He agreed that we’d have to come up with a workable solution…though at that point it was so late in the evening that we had no clue what it could be. Something to think about I guess.