- 7 years ago
Long time reader, first time (reluctant) poster – wedding related but unfortunately not because I’m planning. Sorry in advance for the essay that is about to ensue:
Here’s a little backstory: My bf and I have been together for 4 years almost exactly, living together for about 2.5. He has been married before (right after highschool) but it only lasted for about a year if that (so that was now about 8 years ago. He knows that I am ready to get married and we have talked about it and everything but it just never seems to go beyond that. I would be happy to just elope, or have a small event in a park or at home but we both have big families and he did that for his first marriage and wants to have a big wedding and make it count; I am fine with this, I think I would be a total pro at wedding planning, I’m crafty and creative and it would be the best project ever.
We have talked about getting married but there is always something we have to wait for: starting 2 years ago, he didn’t want to talk about getting married until I was back from being away (in Stockholm so far away) doing my MA, I didn’t get into the program and therefore didn’t go. So then he wanted to wait until he was done school so he didnt have to worry about too many things at once, he finished school 6 months ago. Then he said he didnt want to have a wedding until we could pay for it ourselves (even though our parents said they would help). Not also our friends are engaged and getting married in a year and he doesn’t want to have an engagement/wedding that is close to theirs…
I really want to be married to him and build our lives together, and I’d like to have some sort of event that’s a symbol of that but I feel like he is simply entertaining the idea while putting up as many roadblocks as he can.
I’ve had a lot of experience at weddings, I guess I am a pretty good friend because I have been Maid of Honour in 3 weddings in the past year (yes you read that right). In the time we have been dating, 8 sets of our friends will have gotten married by the end of this summer (three of whom have been together much less time than we have, I KNOW that that isn’t supposed to matter but, you know). By this time next year, every single couple in our circle of friends will be married and I will have been a BM in two more weddings.
Fast forward to this week: His best friend and his girlfriend and his ex (who we are friends with) and her bf both got engaged – both relationships have been pretty short and although I am super happy/excited for all of them, part of me is screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING ME”. There is only so much a girl can take. I don’t want to act like I’m not happy for them – I am – but the more enthusiastic I try to be for their benefit, the more I feel like I resent bf. I think he feels like talking about it is the same thing and it’s good enough, and I know it should be and that I should just be happy that I have him but I just can’t feel like it’s enough (typing this is totally making my eye twitch – I am totally not kidding). What’s worse is that I know it is making me short tempered and irritable.
I have read so many posts from waiting bees talking about how hard it is to watch your friends get married before you, especially ones that haven’t been together that long, imagine if it was ALL OF THEM…
I don’t want to push him to marry me, I know that is 100% not the way to go, I have seen that happen in a few of my couple-friends and it leaves me feeling super uncomfortable. I want it to feel like it was his idea but I feel like I am past the point where that is possible. I feel like if he proposed after all this it would just be because he felt like he had to because everyone else beat him to it in their relationships. My step mom told me that when she and my dad got engaged it was because she pitched a fit when their friends got engaged – she has always regretted it but they have been married 23 years and god knows if they would have ever gotten married otherwise, you know?
There are a ton of things I could write about that are going on here, I hope this all makes sense because I feel like this is making me crazy. I am sure some of you will commiserate and I’m sure some will have some harsh reality checks for me, I welcome both – I know it’s a Catch 22 and I am not a totally unreasonable person – it just feel absurdly unfair.