(Closed) I could write a book here…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know it’s so hard waiting and seeing people get married who have been together for only a few months.  Have you seen Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan?  It isn’t for everyone but it really worked for me.  It isn’t about moving on with your life without him but making the best of the way you life is now.

Good luck and just try to enjoy being in a relationship with your man!

Post # 4
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like he’s overdue to give you a reason as to why he spends more time making excuses about why you aren’t moving forward than actually moving forward. While all his reasons are legitimate they are still pretty weak. Especially since you’ve now been together for 4 years. If you want something to happen you make it happen. You don’t come up with a million reasons as to why you can’t. I mean, seriously, you can’t get married if you can’t pay for it yourself despite offers of financial help being out there? That’s like saying you can’t drive a car till you can afford to buy a porsche because why drive otherwise? It’s silly. I’m sorry you’re frustrated. I can see why you would be. Just seems like its time to sit that boy down for some serious talking. Let him know you aren’t about to beg for him to marry you,but, if it exists, he needs to give you the real reason why he’s dragging his feet and how he intends to overcome it. Again, fine, he wants a big wedding but you can’t afford it yet. That doesn’t mean you can’t get engaged.

Good luck! Keep us posted. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@ShesElectric: oh honey… why are you allowing this? you are staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t in the same place as you. who doesn’t want what you want right now. who hasn’t wanted what you want for years. simple. i am really not trying to hurt your feelings, girl. but relationships are all about compromise. i get so irritated that all these women wait around for these guys FOR-EVER!! loving somone is one thing, sacrificing your wants and needs especially such an important one as needing marriage is being a martyr. it’s not about laying down and saying “you call all the shots honey. go ahead walk all over me” i let my boyfriend know the timeline i had in mind (because he asked) then he told me his. and we came to a compromise that was in the middle. we compromised for each other. you are compromising for him, where is his side? how is he compromising? he’s not. he’s dragging you along. i don’t know why, only he knows that for sure. but just because you hear about all these women on this site sacrificing their need to marry their man for 4, 5, 6….7 8 9 years doesn’t mean YOU have to. your needs should matter and SHOULD be taken into account by your partner.

Post # 8
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

@Sweetie Pie 21: I’m actually glad you said, “just because you hear about all these women on this site sacrificing their need to marry their man for 4, 5, 6….7 8 9 years doesn’t mean YOU have to.” I know that a lot of women recommend patience and giving the relationship time and I believe it has its merrits because we can really get ahead of ourselves sometimes. But I hate it when someone says, “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and I want to get married and x, y, z problem,” and the response is, “You don’t have to get married right now, I’ve been dating my guy for 9 years, you can wait as well.” I then think, ok, that’s great if your relationship and you personally were able to wait for 5+ years. And just because you are capable and willing doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Personally, if our future is still an “if” at 3 years, I’m leaving. I want to know the person I’m with is confident in our relationship and not every guy out there needs 5+ years to figure out what they want in the end. To each there own. Seriously.

Whew. Sorry that was so long. ๐Ÿ™‚

@ShesElectric: Yeah. He owes you an explanation. You hit the nail on the head. His marriage was so temporary and such a long time ago. He’s with you. He knows you. He sounds like he wants to marry you, but all talk and no action does not a marriage create. We all have experiences in our lives that changed us, damaged us. But we learn from them, we take the time to heal, we move on. Marriage is huge. It’s big and mysterious and scary for some. But when you’ve found someone you love you close your eyes, hold on to them tight and take the leap. If his prior marriage is the hold up and he can’t get over it, maybe he should talk to a professional. I think you’re handling the whole thing rather well. I’m sure things will work themselves out for the best.

Post # 10
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@ShesElectric: just remember, your needs matter! you chose what you put up with and what you don’t. you are half of this relationship. i don’t know exactly what you should do. i know what i would do. i would have left at the 2 year mark, and if he comes chasing me, that’s great. if you let love go and it comes back, it’s meant to be. i’m not telling you to leave him, just telling you what i would do. keep us posted!

Post # 11
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@claireos: thanx. i was scared i would have perverbial fruit thrown at me for saying that! glad to know some one gets what i was saying.

Post # 12
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

I think that getting inside of his head is key.  If you know what (if any) his reservations about marriage are, you can appropriately address those issues.  Providing him with a great deal of reassurance that this will not be like his last marriage may be helpful, especially since it is logical that he may still be a bit scarred by his past.   

 

Post # 14
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

It’s good that he threw a concrete end-date at you, but I’d still advise you to be wary and be emotionally strong enough to leave if you need to. To me his explanation of “I’m ready to be ready” sounds like double-talk, or at least the words of a man who has no way of knowing when readiness is coming. I hope he’s being honest with you – not that I think he’s straight up lying or anything. I mean, I hope he’s being honest with himself too.

If he’s really amazing for you, and he’s worth waiting your around to find out whether or not he’ll actually propose, then I wish the best for y’all. But you know what? Your post makes it sound like you’re a bright, articulate woman. I’m sure you’re amazing too. Don’t wait forever.

Post # 15
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

Addressing your needs reasonably and calmly is never pushy. We all have needs and no one should be required to pretend otherwise. I’m so glad everything turned out so well. Like sarasouth said, I also hope he’s being honest to the both of you. One of the great things about having those deeply honest conversations is that they get easier and easier every time. Again, I’m glad everything went well and I’m glad you were able to get all this off your chest. ๐Ÿ™‚

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