I cried about it and that shocked me

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Why does he hate the idea of your family (I am assuming just immediate family) there for ceremony?

Post # 5
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@yandz:  I kind of feel like he needs to consider that this isn’t your second marriage and that you haven’t had this experience before so he needs to make it less about him. that’s just how I would feel about it. I don’t think you are being unreasonable in wanting your family present. You aren’t asking for him to be a show pony at some elaborate affair. You are asking for a small event with those you are closest to there to share it with you.

Post # 6
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree, you seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s hard to say what I would do if I were in your situation, but I think I would (as you said he’s now ok with) have immediate family and very close friends at the ceremony. But then you know it’s not what he really wants, so thats hard too. Maybe you just need to imagine both scenarios, and which makes you feel better? Will you be ok with not having your parents see you get married? Is it a big sacrafice to him to have your family there?

Post # 7
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

@yandz:  I think embarrassment and the fact that it’ll be his second marriage may be the main culprit.  I recently sat through a wedding – my friend had never been married before but her now husband had.  Ceremonies usually have a lot of content about how this is for the rest of your lives, you’re one with one person forever, from here on end, etc. And…the terrible, awful person in me wondered if the groom or his family thought, “here we go again!” (Obviously I feel terrible that the thought even crossed my mind – I’m very happy for my friend and hope they have a happy, lifelong marriage!)

Here’s the thing.  Since you want a small, intimate wedding anyway and nothing ostentatious, I really think he should suck it up and let you have the wedding you want.  This is once in a lifetime!  I mean, even if you wanted a huge, showy affair – provided you could realistically manage that financially – he should let you do it your way, because this will hopefully be your one and only wedding. 

I have a similar kind of personality – “But I want him to want the same things!  I don’t want to force anyone into anything they don’t really want!” – but you know what?  The truth is no two people want exactly the same things.  99.9% of the time there’s some degree of give and take.  I think your wedding is one area where it’s okay to have things your way because it’s such a significant event in your life.  Besides, people with our personality type are very self-sacrificing and often let others have their way to make them happy – it’s not too much to ask to have the wedding you’d like (especially since it’s not the complete opposite of what your FI wants – you both want an intimate wedding!). 

Post # 8
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Are you two doing premarital counseling? We did ours through a local family therapist and it helped a ton. It sounds like there is something else going on under the surface.

This is what goes through my mind as I read your story:

Why on earth would he be embarassed that he found an amazing woman to marry? Is he ashamed that he failed the first time? Is he scared he will fail again? Is he worried about disappointing your family if things don’t work out? Is he trying desperately to make sure that this wedding is nothing like the last wedding?

He may not know the answer to any of thos questions or know why he feels the way he does. A professional can help him figure it out.

Post # 9
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I guess I’ll give you my perspective, because I dont want anyone at my wedding.  I want it to just be me and him. I’m a shy person and i hate being the center of attention. I hate feeling like everyone is judging me, and I hate when people are watching me. I do not even like my parents coming to events.  When I was younger I would tell them to stop coming to sporting events where I was playing, because I would just get extra ‘aware’ they were continuously watching my every move, and it was an icky feeling.  Also, I’m a bit of a worry wart, so I’m continuously worrying then, if to the ‘audience’ I will look like im slouching, sweating, tripping, falling, etc. etc.

When I get married, I want it to feel romantic. I want to be able to focus on the vows. On me and him. I dont want to worry about all the other crap I worry about when I’m in the spotlight. I want it to be just for us. I want to feel like I did the hair and the makeup for him. not for an audience.

I feel like you are in a tough spot, really. I’m really sorry you two have conflicting views. I guess I dont have any advice on how to get those to line up.  Maybe eventually you will find something you didn’t think of that you both like. Like having a live feed that family can watch simultaneously or something.

Hope you feel happier soon! 

Post # 10
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m in a similar situation to you – my FI was married before and did the whole expensive, fancy wedding thing. I’ve never been married before.

He doesn’t really care one way or another about the wedding, and we both luckily wanted something small. We originally wanted to elope, but my sister was upset with that idea, so we changed the plans. My FI isn’t exactly thrilled, and I’m not super excited to have guests either, but in the end it’s a bit of a compromise… and overall I think I’ll be happy that my mom and sister and BFF will see us marry. I’m kinda like your FI where I feel like it should be a private thing. But then we need witnesses anyway so might as well invite people, right?

I agree w. PP that he should just suck it up, and it sounds like he will. It’s not like you’re asking for a lot of guests. If you said “let’s invite 50+ people” then I’d say maybe you should scale back… but parents and a few friends won’t ruin the thing.

The way I’m looking at the wedding is that it’s only one day… it’s a means to an end, and it isn’t supposed to be perfect. We’re not spending so much money that if something does go wrong, we’ll be upset. I am sure aspects of the wedding will be great, but I’ve never been one of those girls who dreamed of the perfect wedding. At the end of the day we’ll be married, and that’s really the main goal here.

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think he needs to meet you halfway here. It’s your first marriage and it’s selfish and unfair of him to take that experience away from you.  I think the perfect compromise is a small, intimate wedding with family and close friends there. If he says he will do that for you then go for it and don’t feel guilty about it for one second.

Post # 12
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Luligem:  +1 times 100!

FI has been married before, we both agreed that we wanted something small, whether that included family or not.  Ultimately, we decided to make it just about us.

Hope OP can find a happy medium with her FI. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Is your FI able to envision a potential moment in time in the future, where HE is the father of a beautiful little girl (by that point, woman) who has been the apple of his eye for more than 20 years, and when she potentially could become engaged to a man who does not want HIM to be present at his own daughter’s wedding?  Would a thought like that give him any more understanding as to why your family would be very upset at the thought of not being able to witness such a special occasion?

Sometimes people erroneously think that having others present for their wedding makes them appear to be selfish or as if they want everything to be “all about them.” However, in a case such as this, the contrary is true:  By depriving your family of being able to enjoy this moment with you, your FI IS making himself the center of attention  — negative  attention — by thinking only of himself and by refusing to consider your feelings and the feelings of those who are important to you.

Post # 15
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@yandz:  He’s worried about being the center of attention? But darling, everybody knows grooms are totally unimportant at weddings, all everybody’s looking at is the bride’s dress! Laughing

Joke aside… You’re in a tough spot here. Obviously you were blindsided the first time so I completely understand why you started crying. But try talking to him again, and calmly this time since you know what you’re dealing with here. Explain to him that this is your wedding too and that having your closest friends and family there is very important to you. If you wanted a 200 people wedding, I’d tell you to cut him some slack but since you don’t want that many people there in the first place, he won’t be in the center of anyone’s attention any more than if it were his birthday party. That’s not so bad, is it? 

One more thing. There’s a good chance the reception/brunch won’t be that much fun if your guests don’t see the important bit of your wedding day, the actual ceremony. They can’t really be expected to joyfully celebrate something that they didn’t witness, you know? I was once invited to a friend’s party that she and her husband threw after getting married on a paradise island all by themselves. It was nice but a bit anticlimactic – and we’re not even that close. 

Anyway, just a few points to discuss with your FI – I hope you can get him to see your side of the story! 

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