I officially kicked out my husband yesterday. I have been posting off and on for months about what he has put me through. We have been married a little over a year, together 3.5.
The icing was I caught him texting the woman that he was texting while we were on our honeymoon, who is a mutual friend. I copied the texts and sent them to my email. He has already hacked in and retrieved my evidence, and not sure what to do now. I am scared.
While he was in the psych ward he was meeting up with this married woman. She claims it is to be there for a friend. They had arranged to meet last Wednesday, but he had to cancel. “Her husband was home”. I was at work. That SOB was home, living off me, and has been for a year.
Below is an open letter to myself I started putting together to explain the timeline of things. I don’t know what to do now. He is out, he left willingly. My brother called the police to file a report as he has a mental health issue and is worried for my safety.
Here is the letter. Please read and tell me what I should do. I have no money, supporting my own family right now and cannot afford a lawyer. I know I can go to the court house and get some advice-which I will do-but what do I do next? All of his stuff is still here.
I, XXX, entered in to a marriage with Husband on August fifth, 2012. Leading up to our wedding date and immediately following, Husband repeatedly hid his severe mental health condition and lied about his financial situation. As a result of his actions, I have been under extreme mental anguish for the last 14 months.
Five weeks prior to our wedding, I discovered condoms in our top drawer. We do not use condoms and never did: I had a tubal litigation. When questioned, Husband said they were from before we had started dating, but he was holding on to them just in case he wanted to give them to his step-children. There were several condoms missing. It should be noted that impulse issues are a part of his diagnosis and that Husband was impulsive in every other area that I can absolutely prove…infidelity remains a question.
Immediately following the wedding, I discovered that Husband also had hid his financial situation and did not pay the car payment for his Camaro (roughly $850) and had deeply affected his credit rating as a result. He explained he “didn’t want to upset me” and that is why he hid it. Additionally, he was in debt almost $60,000 at that time, which was discovered after the wedding. Personal debt was approaching $40,000 which Husband revealed in the spring of 2012. I had requested he go to a credit counsellor, and he did on several occasions, but did not make any tangible steps to remedy his situation.
Following the sale of the Camaro and spiralling debt that he was surmounting, I had repeatedly requested Husband to find work. We were both self-employed together, under the business . The agreement was for both parties to work and contribute to the business as fifty/fifty partners. Husband would repeatedly be un-focussed and unable to perform simple tasks that were required of him in the business, which often left me carrying the weight of the business, which caused emotional and financial strain on the relationship. In fact, I had a full time permanent job offer which I turned down because Husband insisted he wanted to go in to business with me and promised he would do business development and recruitment alongside of me. Husband never did business development and solely relied on me to bring in business, and often came in to the office late (11 AM or later). In fact, Husband filed for bankruptcy and was responsible for the accounting of the business and HST was not filed. I am left responsible now for $8,000 in HST according to him, and would like him to acknowledge he will pay for half.
I searched for work and immediately found employment in the evenings while Husband continued to not seem interested in working and did not seem engaged in contributing financially, even though it was requested he seek work. When I found a contract position at I gave (referred) Husband my cleaning job, where he repeatedly complained about the work and said often he was going to get fired because he “hated that place” and did the bare minimum.
Husband ended up landing a contract assignment , which is in his field, as he has a degree in Human Resources . After five weeks,Husband was terminated from his position and came home, to suddenly leave again.
Suspecting something was wrong, I called the police and they were dispatched. Husband was taken to hospital and formed as he was suicidal and claimed he had attempted to kill himself three times, although no razor was on his person. Of interest is three days prior, I asked husband to provide a list of what his plan is to solve his financial issues.
Husband was admitted to hospital for treatment on June 11th, 2013 and remained in until the end of June (I believe the 28th or close to that). Once husband was released, the doctors assured he was given the right medication, and that he was good to come home.
When husband returned home, I caught him texting other women (not men) that he had resided in the ward with. The conversations were of an emotional support nature, not sexual, however, he seemed to seek out emotional support from other women while in the ward and also throughout the relationship. It should be noted that messages of a friendly and mildly flirtatious nature were also sent to a married friend, Lori, while we were on our honeymoon.
Husband began working an entry-level wage evening job for a temporary agency and worked evenings sporadically. Even though I have requested Husband to find better-paying employment, Husband sought out entry-level work and missed several shifts due to sleeping throughout the shift to just not showing up. Husband has on several occasions been very angry and verbally abusive towards me, telling me to “F Off” along with my children. While I have never seen Husband a threat to anyone, once he was released from psychiatric care he seemed to worsen, not improve. I requested Husbandto seek employment and to keep me posted on work he was seeking, and instead he chose to live off of me while I was attempting to support my three children, instead of look for work. In fact,Husband only sought one job out on his own in the three months since he admission date.
Hearing about Husbands condition and also subsequent emotions have been extremely traumatic to me. So traumatic that I began having panic attacks when I came home and visited my doctor to discuss the attacks and was administered a prescription for anxiety.Husband had revealed to me on numerous times after his admission to the hospital that he had been suicidal for “years” since he was four-a fact he had never chosen to share with me leading up to the marriage.
Husband has a similar pattern with his first marriage where he was repeatedly unemployed, which I found out after the marriage. He suffers from a mood disorder and is in cognitive behavioural therapy currently as he simply sees incidents through a different lens, and has a skewed pattern of thinking. After speaking with a family member that still speaks to the ex wife, this person explained that for years the ex supported Husband and he refused to work as well. He refused to do things around the house and was very lazy.
Additionally, he admitted to being suicidal after our honeymoon, and also felt he had nothing to live for or offer. It should be noted that husband was hopeful for us to buy a house and have a child, and we had visited a fertility doctor along with my own family doctor to explore this option. husband intended to start a family with me, while being aware of his depression, and also suicidal thoughts.
Three months after his release from the hospital,Husband was repeatedly sleeping on the sofa, not taking his medication when he was supposed to and eating and sleeping at irregular times. He was not caring for himself, simply put. Additionally, he was still working sporadically and not seeking employment.
Husband was admitted back to hospital the last week of September and stayed for one week to have his medication reviewed. The doctors reassure us that the medication is correct at this time and he should be an active member of society.
Of course, husband’s demise seemed to surface when we attended a counselling session and had discussed separation.
As a result of his lack of concern for anyone including himself,husband had no choice but to file bankruptcy in July of 2013.
Husband was extremely deceptive in hiding what his true emotional, financial and mental state was. If I had known what I do know now, I would definitely not have married him as I wanted to purchase a house and have a child with my husband as soon as possible-things which are not attainable as they are not wise to do based on his mental condition, along with his financial situation and inconsistent employability/lack of willingness to support himself, let alone anyone else.
While husband insists he would like to make things better and make an effort, I am skeptical at what his intentions and motivations are, based on the information I have. Additionally, while I would like to believe what he says is true, his omission of the truth, secrecy, hiding his financial situation, and past behaviours have left me very frightened.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not drive to work scared that I may come home to a dead husband, or afraid of what else he may do or tell me. My doctor had suggested I may be slightly PTSD after hearing his admission of history and the repeated times he wanted to die-including right after our wedding so “I could get the insurance money”.
I am often crying on my way to work and find myself increasingly agitated when husband is home. I have repeatedly asked husbands family to take him in but they have not offered a solution that would make sense-only his brother could offer a week at most and it would be out of town and away from doctors. It should be noted that only after I received permanent work with benefits that husband end up in the hospital and “depressed”. I feel left to take the lions share of the care for work, home, children, bills and everything else. It has been extremely difficult for me and I am emotionally exhausted.
In short, husband has been mentally ill for years and was not treated and currently he is residing under the same roof as me but most of the time, sleeping on the couch. We have not had sexual relations for a month and this has often been the case for some time.
Our relationship ended on Saturday October 8 when I awoke to hear husbands phone repeatedly going off. It was plugged in to the washroom. I opened the phone and it was the girl (lori) again texting, from before. Lori and my husband saw each other on more than one occasion in the hospital while he was admited and also arranged to meet last Wednesday. This is without my knowledge.
I told husband trust is gone and I can no longer have him under the same roof as me.
Husband left willingly and said he loved me an wanted to make it better.