Post # 1
I feel horrible. My 30th birthday is in January. When my FI asked me what I wanted to do for it, I told him I would love to get away for the weekend (meaning local- but stay in a hotel and just relax). My father passed away just last year two days before my birthday (the viewing was on my actual birthday). Knowing that this will be a difficult time of year, I thought it would be nice to get away. I explained this to my FI too.
Anyway, last night he brought up my birthday again and said he planned to take me to this restaurant in the city. We have been there a couple times before and it is ok but I couldn’t hide my disappointment. I said I thought we might go away for the weekend? But he insisted he was taking me to this restaurant. He must have seen the disappointment on my face because tonight he tells me he wants to tell me something. He proceeds to tell me that he had planned a surprise party for me at the restaurant with all of my friends and family. He said he talked to several people about it today and they told him to tell me so I could decide if I wanted the party or go away for the weekend. I feel so sad now. It’s my fault he told me about the party and now I won’t be surprised. I also feel bad for being a brat when he told me he was taking me to dinner and not away for the weekend. I feel like I ruined everything. I can’t shake this crappy feeling I have now that I ruined the nice thing he was planning for me.
Post # 3
@phillypheet: Aw. That’s why surprises are the worst, though. I hate them. =( I don’t really have good advice, just…it’s not that big of a deal that you know!
Post # 4
@peachacid: thanks for replying! that’s what he said too, that it’s okay that I know about it. But I just feel like I was being such a brat on Friday when I was disappointed in what he had planned. It makes me feel guilty!
Post # 5
@phillypheet: Just apologise and use it as a life lesson.
Post # 6
Why do you feel bad?? He asked you what you would like to do for your birthday and you told him. Did he expect you to say you wanted a surprise party at a certain restaurant in the city? If not, why would he even ask? He’s the one that should feel bad. He set that up terribly. He had good intentions though!
I hope your birthday goes well, no matter what you do! And my condolences about your father.
Post # 7
Honestly, if he was planning a surprise for you he should not have asked what you wanted to do that weekend! If DH and I planned to go away for a weekend and then he said we would go out to dinner instead, I’m pretty sure I would respond the same way! I bet he feels badly that you found out, so tonight/tomorrow maybe just tell him (again) that you are so excited about the party, wish you had not ruined the surprise, and you love him-and then move on 🙂
Post # 8
@phillypheet: Don’t feel bad! As someone who lost their father as well, you don’t know how you are going to feel when that time comes around. I say take it easy on yourself and go with what feels right to you. I’m sure he will understand so don’t beat yourself up! <3
Post # 9
I would just apologize and move on:) this is a rough time since you most your dad this time last year and im sure he understands that. Don’t best yourself up and I agree to chalking it up to a life lesson:) no big deal, now you have a fun party to look forward to:)
Post # 10
@phillypheet: I would say you were just trying to avoid the bad memories and were trying to be completely distracted. Maybe Just be honest and open with him about your feelings? what if you Explain that you didn’t mean to be dissapointed. That in any other circumstance even a nice dinner would have made you happy. That you appreciate his gesture and that you even feel bad for not having reacted hapoy at the moment.
If you feel like maybe going to the party tell him. But also, if you think because of the date and the fact that you are still grieving and it will be the anniversary you don’t feel ready for such an activity, I’m sure he’ll understand. My guess is he just wants to make you happy and last thing he wants is probably to force you into something you are not ready for. Not just yet. My guess is loved ones and friends will perfectly understand too!
So, if you are ready, go. If not, talk to him and tell him you are not ready, that you need some distractions and support for those days and ask if it is possible to just go to a hotel
Post # 11
ughhhh I am a surprise birthday hater! Well I should say that I think that the idea is awesome (and I would totally throw one for DH) but they just don’t work out for me. I actually came so close to walking out on DH (a few years ago when we were just dating) after finding out about a surprise birthday (that was being thrown at MY house!!!! that was a giant mess and he was trying to con me into cleaning and we got into a huge fight about it) and actually ended up signing a faux “legal contract” with him saying that he should never ever ever attempt or participate in a surprise party for me
I don’t think you should feel bad -#1 you were really clear about what you wanted to do – I assume you are an adult so why not do what you ask especially given its a very sensitive time for you and #2 you didn’t put a gun to his head – he could have made up some story about how money was tight or that he had something planned but you didn’t leave till the next morning bc he got a great deal or so and so was only goin to be in town that night or whatever …. what was the plan if you just got lazy or tired or whatever and didn’t want to go out that night? and the biggest #3 this is a rough emotional time for you around your birthday so definitely appologize and let him know whats up (your dad’s passing really hurts and this is a very emotional time of year for you) but he should be sympathic (within reason — if you like throw him out of the house and call the cops on him thats a bit crazy but getting sad and crying is totally normal)
Think about what you want and then just move forward…. and start practicing your surprise face! (or just make it a normal party and toss out the surprise aspect)
Post # 12
Yikes. IMO I’d feel like a huge brat. All you can do is say sorry though and try to make the best of it. Lesson learned.
Post # 13
Yup, I’d feel awful too. Apologise and move on.
Post # 14
You have no reason to feel bad at all. You told your DH what would be best for you and then were disapointed when he chose a different route, for seemingly no reason. How could you know he had made a plan for a surprise party. It obvious your husband is very sweet and wanting to do something special for you but perhaps this wasn’t the best year for this surprise party.
Post # 15
I agree–you’re facing the anniversary of your father’s death (Sorry for your loss, by the way). I don’t blame you for wanting to get away and forget about it for the weekend!
I probably would have done the same thing. I would still appologise, but I’m SURE your DH understands why you wanted to get away so badly!
Post # 16
@phillypheet: *big hugs* It sounds like a really rough time for you and as others have said don’t even think that you’re being a brat.
Do whatever makes the most sense for you, if you want to see everyone at the restaurant do that, if you’d rather have some private time not in a large group then do it.
No one will think badly of you knowing the significance of the date.