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So I am eating my words... I always told myself that I wouldn't mind strippers at my FI bachelor party. But I was wrong. My FI and a bunch of guys went to Atlantic city this weekend for his bachelor party. He told me he wasn't going to hide that there were strippers. He told me they came to the room gave lap dances and the was no touching but the 2 girls messed around with eachother while the boys watched. I haven't told me FI how I feel. Just the thought of him in a hotel room with 2 naked girls screwing around with eachother makes me sick!!!! I can't help but feel like I have been cheated on 6 weeks before our wedding. Has anyone else gone through this? I'm so confused I'm very confident in his devotion to me but it still hurts like hell.
I personally am really not OK with the strippers in the hotel room situation. BUT... cut him a little slack in this situation. First of all, his friends planned this, not him. And second of all, you told him you were OK with strippers. Unless you gave him specific things that you were uncomfortable with and then he ignored your requests, you really can't blame him. Just let him know how you feel and that you would prefer that he not be in that situation again. As long as he responds in a supportive and understanding way, try to put it out of your mind and move on.
Well, the obvious statement to make would be that there's nothing he can do about it now, but you already know that. I'd advise telling him how you feel, but not making it seem like you're condemning him for what happened. I'm a little curious as to why he'd tell you all those details...
Well I told him If he had any control over the stripper situation I would prefer him go to a strip club versus them coming to the room. Things get way dirtier in a private room. I want to vomit!
You said you were okay with it, and he did come clean and tell you the truth. He didn't cheat on you in any way shape or form so you need to tell yourself that firmly whenever you start to get upset about it.
I know it's not great and I'm the first to say up front that I'm not ok with strippers. I have my reasons and I'm up front about it. But if my fiance ended up at a strip club while he was out with the guys, he knows he could be straight with me and I'd be reasonable.
The point is that you're emotional right now and you're overreacting a bit. I fully understand why and I'm not judging you in any way shape or form. But your fiance came home and told you the truth about everything without you having to ask. He didn't cheat on you by looking at a stripper. You're going to have to find some strength in yourself and let this one go. If you do decide to talk to him about it, do not accuse him of cheating. He didn't, and that accusation is likely to make this whole thing a much uglier problem.
I had the exact same reaction when my (then) FH went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party...Was totally cool until after the fact, and then literally felt sick to my stomach when he mentioned something about it and flipped out on him!
It sucked but I think it's good that he was honest with you...I would be hurt too...
Ugh, my FI had his bachelor party this weekend and he also had strippers in the hotel room. Granted, he did tell me they were super unattractive and "older"...but still. It kind of give me the creeps. I'm just trying to put it out of my mind!
I'm sorry this happened. I'd be sick and heartbroken too. I think it's really great that your guy came clean though. The fact that he didn't hide it from you means he probably didn't actually do anything to violate your relationship. Personally, I'm not okay with strippers whatsoever, but it seems the lines were blurred in your situation. It stinks. But now you need to sit down with your FI and find a way for both of you to be okay about this.
Try to think of it as porn. Think of it as your FI watching porn except for the fact that he didnt even get anything from it! Im not saying I would be okay with this - I would want to vomit too! But, I was very straightforward with FI before his bachelor party (in Vegas) so that there wouldnt be any issues!
Darling you are not the first woman in the world to think something like this is cool only when it happens to be horrifeid! You are going to be disgusted as it is not something that would attract you. Tell him how you feel but like the other girls have said remember he thinks he has stayed true to you. He has been honest there are no secrets and I think that a big thing. Also he can't take it back. Please please find a way of working the anger and disgust out, don't let it take away from your big day, two girls who didnt touch him are not worth it!. Think of it this way he came home to you didnt touch any one and was honest with the woman he loves.
Wow, I think you actually need to tell him how you feel, if only so that it doesn't happen again at another friend's bachelor party. I made it very clear ot my FI that if he got taken to a strip club, he was not to be touched by anyone - no lap dances. So, it wasn't an issue for us (they went skydiving instead, PHEW!). But seriously, you shouldn't be feeling like this without him knowing. You're allowed to realize that you aren't ok with it after all, and he needs to know that for the future.
I would feel the same way in wanting to puke! I feel horrible because I am the jealous type but its because of me and the way I see myself. I always think everyone is way prettier skinnier smarter etc... But I know FI loves me and wouldnt marry me if he didnt. However, if I was in this situation my mind would be like OMG he is thinking about them while sleeping with me?!? or comparing my body to theirs. I am just a freak like that. I would just sit down and have a talk with him. I had one with my FI about our future bachelor parties. He is having his brothers bachelor party this saturday. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him spending OUR money on that and tried to do something a Little more clean. Thank goodness for my future sister in law. she said she would cut off her FI (my fi brother) pee pee if he got a lap dance LOL so they dont want to risk it and arent going there. One thing you dont need before the wedding is a huge fight and a p.o-ed bride!
I'm so worried about this too, I totally trust my FI but I would be sick to my stomach. Especially since his bachelor party is 2 days before the wedding...
I'd tell him how you feel BUT you can't really hold it against him given what you told him about IF he had an option to not have girls in the room. He told you the truth - that means he isn't keeping anything from you.
I'd just mention that you thought you'd be okay with it but now it's kind of bumming you out, but that you don't hold him responsible. I think you guys just need a date and some TLC and you'll be able to get past it.
Ugh, it's a horrible feeling! You are not the first - and sadly, will not be the last - girl to get that pit in her stomach over this. Tell your guy how you feel, take a few days to lick your wounds, and move on. Be glad that he was honest with you, but make it clear to him that this cannot happen again (and get specific if you have to). And do something nice for yourself. Maybe this is a horrible attitude, but after FI's bachelor party I bought myself a bag I'd been coveting for ages. My feeling was - he did something selfish, so I can too. It was petty, but it made me feel better.
I agree with PPs - there's not much you can do now, especially given that you told him you were okay with it and his friends planned it. That said, I think what you should focus on is the fact that your Mr. told you everything.. When they don't say, that's when you have to worry. I think he's earned your trust and that's how you have to view it. So sorry you're feeling this way!
@MeghanV: Lol after FIs bachelor party I made him get me a second photographer for our wedding!!! He also almost got me a kitten but I came to my senses because we already have 3 pets!! But now because we have the 2nd photographer we are also getting a third (just one who wants experience) for the price of 2!! So maybe FIs bachelor party wasnt so bad after all :-)
Keep in mind that the hiring of strippers for a bachelor party has a duel purpose:
1. Embarassing the groom.
2. Amusing the groomsmen/friends.
I seriously doubt that this is a situation that a groom would really enjoy. I have asked some of my guy friends and they said that as grooms they were uncomfortable with the whole thing but their friends enjoyed embarassing them and that was the main goal. I wouldn't take it too seriously.
Oh no. That's awful. How could you have known you'd feel that way? I feel like just watching naked girls dance is one thing, but in the room doing stuff with one another? That's totally different, in my mind anyway.
At least FI was honest about it and I agree, I think you should tell him you feel terrible about it, though you know you gave your blessing initially. In some ways it's a good testament of his faithfulness. There were naked girls right in front of him, not there of his own valition, and he didn't touch them and came home to you, he beautiful fiance, the one he wants . . . and honestly told you about it. It sucks that it happened at all, but really, you have a wonderful FI.
SO's brother got married last year and his bachlor party was at a campground. They couldn't convince any strippers to go out there so they weren't going to do the stripper thing. I knew SO had no cotnrol over it but I told him that if there was a stripper, he had to close his eyes and not watch. Haha. Well, he texted me the whole night because he missed me and I was sititng alone in our hotel room. Around midnight he said that his brother and two buddies were going to drive 30 miles to go to the strip club. Drunk. SO wasn't able to stop them so they went. He stayed with the rest of the party at the campground. The bride had told me she knew her FI wouldn't have a stripper because it was the only thing she'd asked and he'd promised. Yeah. He went to the strip club anyway. And drove drunk to get there. The night before his wedding. This is the story of a terrible husband (he's really not good). They still got married and the bride never found out but he was willing to risk his entire wedding to watch strippers. That level of disregard makes it so much worse, I think.
Thanks so much for the input. I talked to him and he assured me that the girls didn't do anything "downstairs" to eachother. That made me feel better. I was invisioning toys etc...yuck! Anyway I'm feeling a bit better.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm glad your FH clarified a little to give you some peace of mind.
I'm glad you posted this, though, because I originally told FH that if he got a lap dance at his bachelor party, I WOULDN'T WANT TO KNOW. But after reading this post and a couple of others that were similar, I seriously thought about it and realized that I was being ridiculous. I would not be ok not knowing-- it would just get to me until I knew. And I definitely would not be ok with him getting a lap dance. Just the thought makes me feel like I have smoke coming out of my ears. So I decided that FH and I need to set some boundaries before he goes so that I can have some peace of mind, and he can have a good time without worrying about getting in trouble. Plus I don't really trust one of the guys he's going with. Ugh...
I am genuinely sorry that this happened to you. But, I really hope that you can now stop telling other women to be cool with it and that they should pretend that they don't mind it in order to not seem insecure. As mentioned in my previous post, by definition you are insecure if you cannot speak up for yourself, not vice versa. And instead of being angry with me for supporting women who are not down with type of crappy male entitlement, you should be angry with all the people who made you feel like you needed to pretend that this type of activity was OK, so you could look "secure."
And I hope you can also stop pretending that this is not sexual, that they "didn't do anything downstairs," that he fantasized about you while he was watching the strippers play with each other, or that he won't fantasize about them when he is with you. Personally, I don't think that the truth is rude or mean or disrespectful. Rationalizations, lying to yourself and to others, and making other women feel guilty or uncool or insecure or untrusting or all that other bull is what is disrespectful. I also think that "supporting" women to forgive their FI who dishonored them right before their marriage is not helpful; We all know people who should have dumped their FIs for the way they treated them, but they married them anyways, and two kids and ten years later, they are miserable. Telling people that a red flag is not a good thing is not cruel; telling them to ignore it is.
@starburst198077....Are you serious? There are women out there who are very "secure" and don't feel "dishonored" because her FI got a lap dance. And were you there at the bachelor party? Because you seem to know for a fact that the OP's FI lied to her about what went on in the room. And to tell her... "And I hope you can also stop pretending that this is not sexual, that they "didn't do anything downstairs," that he fantasized about you while he was watching the strippers play with each other, or that he won't fantasize about them when he is with you." is just plain mean. Seems to me that you are the one that is insecure and obviously bitter about something. My FI had his bachelor party just last weekend in Vegas....unfortunately, not all of his groomsmen went....their insecure girlfriends didn't let them go because they were going to go to a strip club. I mean really?? These guys missed a memorable weekend with their close friend/s just because their girlfriend's didn't want them to see some boobs? They can see boobs and booty everyday on T.V.! So are they going to not have T.V.'s in the house? Maybe they should buy them a horse brace too because God forbid they try to turn their heads if there is pretty girl walking down the street! Geez....get off your high horse and take a chill pill.
@ the OP..... You cannot help what you feel but he did tell you what happened...if he wanted to keep anything from you, he would have not disclosed what he did. He obviously loves you because he chose you to be his wifey! This 'episode' will just be a faint memory as you both have a lifetime to make lots and lots of wonderful new memories!
I read through some of the post...but not all,so I may be repeating....
My FI went last weekend, they did baseball game, casino, and of course strip club. He also got the lap dance, paid for by the groomsmen. I told him I wanted every detial and he was hestitant bc he felt bad...but I told him it makes me feel better to know...I completely agree w/the hurt your feeling, but I am over it boys will be boys and I trust him and I'm sure you trust your FI too. I took me almost a week to stop thinking about it and talking about it.
Hang in there he loves you!!!
@ starburst... You know what I think is laughable? By looking at your profile the majority of threads you comment on are threads about bachelor parties and you really never have anything "supportive" to say! Plus you have never started your own thread...do you not have any problems? Ah I see you only like to give your brash opinions to others but don't want to hear anything anyone else has to say to you.
Also I would like to clarify what I said about not letting your man know your insecure about strippers...there is a way to speak your mind without being insecure about it! That's all I meant! I NEVER said don't speak your mind.
I think you must have some deep rooted resentment towards men. I on the other hand LOVE men! Especially my man and one stupid stripper is not going to change that. Yes I was hurt by their festivities but it never once crossed my mind to leave him.
@bhutton15: Don't let a negative post get to you.
Yeah, some guys do awful things with strippers before their weddings. I personally believe that cheating is a deal-breaker. But that is an EXTREME case and doesn't sound AT ALL like what happened with your FI.
Despite being upset, you're being really mature about the situation, and I applaud you for that. I would have felt the same way you did when you found out, and I think you're awesome for trying so hard to accept what happened, as it probably wasn't any part your FI's idea.
@gemstone thank you so much! Now that I have had a couple days to let it sink in and me and my FI couldn't be doing better!
I really try to not let negative posters get to me but this person totally blasted me on a different thread and then brought the drama over to my post... Bugs me.
@bhutton15: Gotcha! I wasn't familiar with what happened on the other thread.
Either way, I am SO happy to hear you and your FI are doing great!!! He loves you and that's all that matters. :)
I personally have NO problem with strippers. Maybe because I have known a couple personally.
They're in it for the cash, not the men. To them, the men are just dollar signs. I think the chances of your guy doing anything with a stripper are less likely than if he went out to a bar and hooked up.
I think it says a lot about him that he told you about it, and you did say you were ok with it. I think the best you can do now is to tell him that you'd prefer he not do it again because although you appreciate his honesty, it does bother you more than you thought.
@menobride yes I agree even after all of this I am not totally against strippers. We just made an agreement that If we ever want to go to a strip club we will go together. But I have made it clear other then that no strippers allowed heehee!
I don't know if this helps, but I'm pretty sure FI is not comparing you to those strippers. I'm also pretty sure that he stopped thinking about them as soon as they left the room. While we, as women, understand that strippers are full human beings with names, personalities, etc, the men that hire them don't really get that. Strippers at bachelor parties are sort of...visual props. It would not have occured to your FI to think about where those ladies went when they left the room, or even what they thought of him. He probably reserves considerations like that for you, his future wife. Even the hottest stripper in the world does not occupy the plane that you do in his mind.
For the record, I asked my FI about this before hitting "post". He read the above and said, "yup, that's pretty much it."
I wouldn't get mad at him but i would tell him how you feel. Let him know you were upset and I bet he will apologize and let you know it is okay. At least he wasn't fooling around with them or getting 12 lap dances like i have read in other posts!
i am not ok with strippers either! the way i look at it is this- if your man is happy with what he has (and he better be since he proposed!) then he should have no desire to look at another woman!!
likewise, i have no desire to see strippers
@EmeraldR: I agree with your post but I also want to ask...When are beautiful ladies ever comical or entertaining? When a woman is hot, I just don't see her being the stand-up comedian or capable of embarrassing the bachelor.
This is a thing about strippers...I don't think a man could ever laugh at a sexy woman.
@cllyons: "if your man is happy with what he has (and he better be since he proposed!) then he should have no desire to look at another woman!!"
Why?
This is good to read because I don't think I care about strippers...I guess I should give it some serious thought!
My god, I seriously don't get all of the horrified reactions to strippers. Like a PP said, strippers are in it for money. They're not looking to get their hooks in your man and steal him away from you. F'n relax.
I also think all of the "you gotta talk to him!" posts are way over the top. You said you were okay with strippers. He had strippers. You discovered you weren't okay with it. That's on you. You can't turn back time, what's done is done. He did absolutely nothing wrong, so what good is talking to him going to do, other than make him feel bad for no good reason? Do you want to talk to him so he doesn't do it again at his next bachelor party? Seriously, what exactly is the goal, here? Making a big deal out of something you already said you were cool with is total manufactured drama and nothing more.
Sure wish I had a dollar for every time I heard about a groom claiming the strippers were "unattractive."
there is absolutely no reason why you should be uncomfortable and unable to tell your FI. If you don't like something - speak up!! Even if nothing changes - don't feel like you should have to hide your feelings and suffer in silence just because you gave him "permission". Stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel. He'll respect you for that.
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