(Closed) I Do NOT Want To Change My Last Name, But Fiance Is Upset..

posted 3 years ago in Names
Post # 3
62 posts
Worker bee

Why don’t you want to hyphenate or use your maiden name as your middle name?  Seems like that would be the best compromise in this situation.

Post # 4
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

Can you go by his last name socially and still keep yours legally? Or the other way around?

Post # 5
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Kat:  I feel the exact same way and it’s been making me completely miserable & sad.  I wouldn’t mind hyphenating our last names but my FI is dead set against it.  I have no words of wisdom but just to say that I know how you’re feeling…

Post # 6
4941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Kat:  I’m so sorry honey, I can’t even imagine how stressful this must be! Have you sat down and had a calm heart to heart with your fiance about why your last name is so important to you? He really should understand that this is how you feel, it’s a big deal! 

I’m not much help because I was anxious to get rid of my last name, but sending massive virtual hugs and prayers that you all can get this sorted out! 

Post # 8
3948 posts
Honey bee

Why do you need to decide right now? I waited about a month after the wedding before even going to the social security office to change mine.

I had similar hesitations about changing my name. But in the end, I changed it because I wanted the last name as my husband. I dont work in a profession where I would need to keep my name, and my name doesnt define who I am. I’ll always be a part of my dad, even if we dont share the same last name anymore.

Post # 9
2367 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m moving my current (maiden) name to my middle name and taking his.  That seems to be a pretty common compromise.  Honestly, I would sit down and talk to him about this.  Find out WHY he’s upset.  Does he feel like you’re less committed to the marriage than he is?  Is he concerned about the name difference for your potential future children?  And by the way, if you’d change it for future children, you’ll want to do that BEFORE they’re born.  Otherwise, you’ll just further complicate the paperwork. 

I’d also sit down and think about why you don’t want to change your name.  Is it a fear of change?  Is there a fear of commitment?  Have a rational discussion with him and see what compromise works for both of you.  It’s the start of many compromises.

Post # 10
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Ask him if having the same name is important to him, will he change his name to yours?  If he is unwilling to give up his own last name, I don’t think it is fair to expect you to do it.  Yes, traditionally the bride changes her name.  But so what?  Traditionally men paid a dowry and women were traded like property, surely he wouldn’t support that would he?

Post # 11
592 posts
Busy bee

If it means so much to you to keep your last name, you should be able to. I agree with @PacificMrs.  He should understand how you feel.  These days so many women are keeping their names that it is not really anything unusual.  I kept my last name also (for professional reason and just plain too lazy to do the paperwork).  I am not really sure why your FI is so upset about it.

Post # 12
62 posts
Worker bee

You seem attached to the point of being very defensive about it.  I was just simply asking, but if you’ve got reasons, then that’s fine.  You could also have a double last name without a hyphen, but I doubt you’re willing to entertain that idea.

I personally felt that my name didn’t define me as a person and the name I carry doesn’t affect my relationship with my parents, meaning it doesn’t matter what my name is.  Thus, I changed it because I felt more bonded and cohesive with my partner to take his name.

Maybe look into the deeper reasons of why this gives you so much anxiety.  Is this a problem with defining your identity?  The world still goes on regardless of whether you change it or not, so it seems like it really shouldn’t be such an ordeal.  When you get married, much of your identity feels like it is merging with your partner (finances, housing, decisions), is this the only part of it that is giving you anxiety?

Post # 13
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

So few people here actually do a legal name change, they just assume their husband’s last name.  I didn’t even bother with that, I’m just using his socially.

Post # 14
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Keep your own dang name. Your fiance will get over it.

I just find it absolutely absurd that people expect you to change your identity just because you are getting married.

Post # 15
9038 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Kat:  I feel for you!  I was personally glad to be rid of my father’s name because I was never close to my father – but you’re in an entirely different situation. 

If you feel this strongly about it – do not change your name!  Your husband shouldn’t pressure you into this.  It’s your decision and yours alone.  LOTS of married women keep their maiden names, it’s common and perfectly acceptable. 

I only took my husband’s last name because I really wanted to, not because it was expected.  But – if I had wanted to keep my maiden name my husband wouldn’t have given me a hard time about it.  You’re still going to be the man’s wife- he’s being unfair to you.

Post # 16
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe you can get him to calm down about it by explaining that you don’t want to decide right now, but can discuss it down the line and that you are willing to change your name should you have children.

I changed my name because I didn’t feel strongly one way or the other.  However, the only good reason why I’d really want to change it is when we have children that we all have the same name. I think this should be a good enough compromise and he needs to deal with it.

You can go by his last name socially among your friends/family, but can keep your last name legally and with work if you’d like.

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