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Hi, bees
I´m a regular poster but opened another account so I can tell you with out fear that I'm really thinking about calling off the wedding.
At this point I can only think of two reasons why to marry him:
1) Our 2 year old daughter
2) His reaction if I cancel the wedding and ask him to move. This includes everything from violence, trying to take my daughter away from me or just making my life impossible.
Just so you know, it wasn´t like this before, I really love/loved him, it's just that he has been acting like an idiot for months. I don´t think he really loves me or wants to marry me either.
Please give me your advice.
Oh, honey... I'm so sorry you feel this way! Do you have a safe place you can go if you decide to go through with calling off the wedding? It sounds like you are really concerned for the safety of you and your daughter. A relative, perhaps? Just because you have a child with someone does not mean you have to marry this person. If you truly feel in your heart that by marrying this man you will be ruining the rest of your life, then do it-call off the wedding. Only you can make you happy.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
If you feel that you should call off the wedding, do so, go with your gut. Your daughter, while a wonderful addition to your life is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone you don't love or want to be with. Fear of what his reaction will be is also no reason to stay. I'm worried about the violence thing more than anything else, my advice is to try to get someone to come over when you talk to him, or take your daughter and stay with a family member or friend and call and talk to him. Let someone know what you are planning on doing and make them understand that you are scared of his reaction. Don't do talk to him alone without anyone knowing what you are doing. Please, please, be careful, and good luck to you and your daughter, you're in my prayers.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. First off, if you suspect that he would get violent with your or your daughter, then you need to leave the situation as quickly as possible. I can not tell you how important it is that you take any threat seriously. Do you have friends you can stay with? Is there a safehouse in your area?? I think that once you are out of the house, you can tell him you don't want to be with him and take it from there.
I wish you all the best, and my thoughts are with you.
SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS(((HUGS)))
But from someone who didn't follow their feeling about not marrying someone and marrying them out of fear it doesn't work and it isn't suppose to. you need to get out now!! There will be that special someone someday and you don't want to miss out on the good guy. I agree you need to find a safe place and do it all safely. I hope you have friends and family for support. I will say a prayer:)
Go with your gut instinct. It will never lead you in the wrong direction. If something inside is telling you that things aren't right, that you don't want to be with him, then listen to that voice. You owe it to yourself, and to your daughter. The people who love you and care for you will understand and will be there when you need them to. The people who don't? They're not worth your time.
It sounds like you know that your fiance has violent tendencies and/or some personal issues that are affecting the relationship. Please take all precautions and make yourself a safety and escape plan. It sounds like a smart thing to make a plan and get out before any violence escalates. If you need help locating your local domestic violence resources, you can PM me and we can find them together. They will help you whether or not there is currently any violence involved.
Sending you strength and resolve!
people have already said it by my only input is to say do you want your daughter raised in a home where the threat of violence and fear is real?
take care, be careful and put yourself and your child first in this decision - sending hugs
You absolutely should not marry him if you are feeling this way! Think of your daughters mental and physical safety. Things will work out okay, it may take time and effort, but they will!
I am so sorry things have gone downhill over the last few months. I echo the other bees who are recommending you not try to do this alone. Even if you want to have a private conversation with him, make sure someone else is nearby and that you are on neutral ground.
Good luck to you and I will sending good thoughts your way. Be safe and take care of yourself and your little girl.
HUGS!
there is one phrase that haunts me, your fear of violence. If you fear this you need to call off the wedding, even if its just until he and you or you both can get help. You can get through this honey, you need to think of your health and safety and especially the safety of your daughter first.
HUGS!
Thanks, all I can say is I should had known this would be your answer, probably the reason why I haven´t told my mother (the only relative I have in this country) about any of this.
You are right, but it just seems so hard, even if it doesn´t get violent (he has been violent a couple of times, but he wanted to change, and he stopped doing it, so I dont know what to think).
I don´t know why I´m so affraid, I´m not a coward, it just that my daughter and him are my whole life.
I think some of you are christians, I am, and I really believed that our relationship could be turn around, but latetly it has been so hard, we are so bitter, both of us.
I can´t believe we are getting married in 4 months.
Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It sounds like calling off the wedding is what you want. I think it's better to make that decision now than to regret marrying this guy later. If you have fear for you and your daughter's safety, then clearly you do not need to be marrying this guy. Do you have someone you can stay with or who can come stay with you to make things easier? I wish you all the best.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you want or need to call of the wedding - DO IT. If you are afraid seek shelter in your family, your friends, someone. It's so much easier to do it prior to the wedding than AFTER, I promise.
If you are this fearful this is NOT the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, the person you want raising your daughter. You deserve 1000x better than this.
Thinking about you.
I don´t, I really have no one around that could give such support. As I said, the only one in this country is my mom, but most of the time she is working in a different city. And my FI´s family are really good people, but that is their so/brother, so I don´t know.
Maybe I could talk to my FSIL in private about this, and then ask her and her husband to be there when I approach my FI to tell him what I think?
That´s the thing, I can´t really talk to him, we have closed almost all ways of comunication and I don´t think he wants to get them opened again.
What do you think of this plan? I know if I tell my mom she would go crazy calling lawers and booking airflights. True story.
I am a full believer in putting every effort into a relationship before deciding it won't work, but if the effort has been put in, and you are both so unhappy, it is better for both of you to not force a marriage that will increase that unhappiness. I am glad to hear the violence has not come back, but your fear is still very legitimate. Unless he has gone to see a therapist or professional to help him with his issues. Can you talk to your pastor?
Change is scary, even when you know it is right. You can do this. It may be hard, and you may feel like a failure at times, but it will be worth it.
I'm so, so sorry. Call a Domestic Violence hotline and ask for advice on how to safely remove yourself and your child from the situation. If you're afraid that he'll be violence, you must not marry him. It will become even harder then. The counselors on the hotline can help you figure out a safe place to stay, a financial plan, and how to make sure he cannot interfere with your life. I wish you the best and I hope you and your child will be safe soon.
Thanks, I just want to say i am not in the U.S.
I wish I had access to all of those resources
I have been in a really abusive relationship befpre and thought I had no way out because of my daughter and the fact that I had no family to support me. Call your nearest YWCA (Youth, Women, and Children Advocacy). They helped me out so much. First of all they help you figure out a plan for getting you and your child out safely. They help you with the protection order paperwork. They helped me with the legal issues of the divorce and etc. Trust me, you do not want to me in a bad and abusive marriage just becaue your christian and believe you HAVE to be with the father. It's bad for you and REALLY bad for your daughter. One key is that you need to make the right steps to make sure you have your daughter and the YWCA will help you. If you have any other question about this, please message me. Good luck.
I had an abusive very very violent father and I wish my mother would have left him but she stayed with him for 16 years and it traumitized my sister and I in so many ways. In my book...violence ONCE means he will be violent again (generally speaking, I'm sure there is a small percentage out there that can change).
Call your mom, so what if she calls lawyers and makes flight reservations? Isn't that what a mom is supposed to do and isn't that what you need? Tell your mom, tell your fiance that you're going to go visit your mom for some wedding planning (or SOMETHING, make some story up) and leave.
I've been in a violent relationship before and while its great that he seems to have changed, the fact that you harbor the fear he'll be violent again is enough. I think having someone else there when you talk to him is a good idea, and probably having your daughter at a friends house or somewhere else in case things escalate to yelling or worse. Whatever country you are in, find out what the domestic violence resources are and make sure you talk to your mother so she is informed and might be able to help. You are in our prayers.
I think you need to tell your mother. Just like you would do anything for your child, your mother would do that for you. Let her. {{{}}} I hope you have the strength to do what you need to do. Please do not marry a man you are afraid of, it will only end badly.
i'm sorry you're going through this. if you're having doubts, then please take some time for yourself.........for your's and your daughter's sakes. i read a great book where she states, "it's ok to be in a place of i don't know." i really like that saying because a lot of times, i think we feel pressured into saying yes or no. first, make sure that you and your daughter are safe and have an escape plan. then, talk to someone whom you trust whole-heartedly about helping you. if you don't know of anyone, then find a shelter or support group. i've never been in this situation, but i know there are groups like that that exist. please tread carefully and remember that your daughter is your number one priority. you need to protect her and yourself. and, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. your future is in your hands. it's your life. you decide what you want to do with it.
I'm very sorry, dear. Please get help! Do not marry a man out of fear- it will not end well.
I'm sorry to hear this.
I think you have very valid feelings to be scared and want to get away. For the safety of you AND your daughter.
I ditto the advice above on calling a hotline (maybe from work so he can't see you called?) because i have no real advice to offer, not having really known anyone personally or been in the situation myself. Men like this make me so angry though, and my heart goes out to you.
Talk to your mom, really, if you guys are close. Your mom doing things like booking flights, etc, is only in your interest and if she's anything like my mom, she'll do everything in her power to keep you safe from that animal! Don't marry him! Trust your gut. BE SAFE.
I'm so sorry! I can't give you any good advice, but stay safe, whatever you decide. :(
Yes, please stay safe. Reach out to whatever support you can get. I'm sorry there aren't very good resources in your country; are you involved in a church at all, or some other community that could help you?
How awful! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way & have to deal with this.
I know someone who was abused by her spouse a few times before they married & after they got married it only got worse. He cut her off from all her family and friends and she only got out because he beat her within an inch of her life and she had to be hospitalized. A lot of people tend to think that things will get better after marriage, but thats usually never the case. If your mom is willing to help you out-- I say go to her. She will protect you!
As for your in-laws... I doubt they'll be on your side. It's hard to imagine your son or brother being able to treat another person that way.
I really don't think you should marry him. Your daughter & your safety are number 1. If he's been violent with you before, and you suspect he will be again, then you need to get out. Call your mom and get far away from him. Please! I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Undercover - I used to work in crisis intervention, advocacy and education for a domestic violence agency. Domestic violence (which can be physical or emotional) starts with a cycle of power and control long before any violence. Here's a link to a tool we used to help identify the pattern of control:
http://swc.osu.edu/posts/documents/powercontrolwheel.pdf
If you relate to any of these, PLEASE take steps NOW to safely remove you and your daughter. One thing you mentioned that really raises a red flag to me is that the ONLY person you can go to is your mom or his family. Why don't you have local friends? You seem like a nice person with a good self image - one of the signs a relationship could be heading for emotional/physical abuse is social isolation - where the man in your life will take subtle steps to limit your friendships so you don't have trusted friends you can go to for help. You also mention you are Christian, is there a pastor or a church community you can reach out to?
Only you know the right thing for you to do. If you identify with the information on the link I sent, PLEASE seek local resources, whether you decide to leave or not. Feel free to PM me to talk more. Good luck!
The being alone and having no support group/friends that you could go to was also a red flag for me. I had a great support group before I meet my ex. Slowly through our relationship he started isolating me and I lost those friendships. Then we moved halfway across the country and isolated me from my family, that's when it got really bad. Please, please reach out to others.
It's okay to be confused about whether he's the right guy as time gets closer to the wedding (I did that with my fiance), but if he's been violent in the past, he will be again. If there's any fear you have for you daughter - it's not going to change. Trust me, i never thought there would be anyone better for me (that's another part of the abuse - you're not worthy enough of anyone but them - you're worthless without them), but seven years after I got out of that relationship, I'm marrying a really great man you really cares and loves my daughters (I was pregnant with another child when we seperated). Yeah, it's REALLY tough to be a single mom, but in the end it's so much better for your children. My daughter was only2 when we finally seperated, but to this day every once in a while she'll make a comment about how she remembers me crying and him hitting me - total nightmare for a mom.
I'm not sure where you're located, but if there's any other advice or support I can give, please, please let me know.
It's really brave of you to make this first step and post here.
I am so incredibly sorry that you're going through this. I have to say I agree with everyone else. Trust your instincts, if they're telling you to go, then go. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive and I wish my mother had had the strength to leave him so much earlier than she did. Even if you can't imagine this being the case now, please know that your child will thank you for it when she's older.
If your mom is the only way out, then call her. If she calls lawyers and books flights, then that's fine. What's not fine is you staying in that situation, emotionally, and physically (being the most important for the moment). I can say from personal experience that staying in an abusive relationship for your children is the wrong way to go. Period. A child would rather be from a happy home than from an abusive one.
All the best, my dear.
I really hope you do what is best for you and your daughter.
You mentioned being a Christian- is there a church you attend or anyone there that you can reach out to? Even just talking to an unbiased third party in person might help give you the strength.
sending you so many hugs.
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. If you are afraid of your fiance at this point, it might be best for you and your daughter if you are able to remove yourselves from the situation. I'd start trying to plan some sort of safe escape plan. There are lots of resources you can find to help support your plan.
Please know that we're all here to support you. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
I had a friend in a similar situation. The night before the married, she was crying and they had a huge arguement. The day after she got married everything went downhill and she has been MISERABLE ever since. Our friendship has suffered from it bc of her husband. He has cheated on her. He treats her kids like crap, treats her like crap...no one likes to be around them bc he has seriously broken her spirit and he is just such an a$$ (pardon). Sometimes men bamboozle you to get what they think they want or the stability they need. I don't know what your fiance's unerlying reasons are, but I have to agree with others and say go with your gut. You don't want to do something you really regret.
This is something you really need to go with your gut on, for your own sake and your daughters.
I don't have any advice to add, the ladies above me had some great things to say, but I hope things are going better for you. ((hugs))
For the sake of you and your daughter (who is so, so young and innocent still) just leave. Call your mom and just go. As far as telling the FI's family... ultimately, their allegiance is to him and not you, so it probably would not be in your best interest to tell them, lest they give him the heads up. It will be the hardest thing you have EVER had to do, but living in fear is the worst feeling in the world, and it's not okay. We love you and we're all here for you!
better to be alone then to have serious DOUBTS you have serious DOUBTS!!!
think twice before marrying him
it shouldnt be just for the sake of your daughter
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