Post # 1
My ering is FI’s mother’s ering. It holds a lot of meaning to her and is very symbolic from both FI and her mom that it was given to me. I love that it shows I am part of her family and that something very special was given to me. And I think it’s really pretty and I definitely like it. But it’s not something I would have chosen for myself, at all. I wanted a princess cut halo, and wanted sapphire incorporated somehow, either as the center stone or in the halo. FI even asked me before she gave her mom’s ring to me if there was anything I wouldn’t want, and I pretty much described her mom’s ring without knowing it. She got REALLY upset and said that she hopes that the meaning behind it means more. And it does. When I once suggested getting the stone re-set, she didn’t want to do that, saying that the whole ring has meaning, not just the stone. So I’m stuck with it, and thats totally fine with me, because it has sentimental value as well.
What I really wanted:
What I got:
So, now I am hoping that we can afford a custom wedding band to go with it, so that I can design that myself and have what I want. I’m hoping to do a pointed band that alternates sapphires and diamonds. But I’m worried that it won’t look good with it. Thoughts?
Post # 3
Ugh that’s a tough one. Honestly, you sound pretty resentful about the whole thing. Its a beautiful ring and I think that a jeweler should have no problem making a pointed band to go with it, but are you sure that’s what you really want? Would it be possible to keep the ring as a right hand ring and get your own ering? I understand the sentimental value piece of it, but I also understand wanting something that is truly yours and reflects you and your FI, not his mother.
Post # 4
@joyfulgirl9682: You know, I think it’s lovely that your FMIL chose to give you her ring, it’s such a kind and loving gesture, that being said…if she gave it to you, it’s yours, which means that making it something that honors her and appeals to your personal taste at the same time is not only fine, it should be expected….I really think that you should have something you like…and while I understand the ring on your finger is a total departure from what you envisioned…that doesn’t mean you can’t do something with it that catches the spirit of what you were looking for while nodding to the sentimentality of the gift itself.
She can be as upset as she wants…fact is a gift should NEVER have strings attached to it, that’s controlling and manipulative…and completely unrealistic to expect that you wouldn’t want to put your personal touches on something you will be wearing for the REST OF YOUR LIFE…
And let’s not over estimate the significance of a setting, or a ring in the least…at the end of the day, this is metal and rock….something that can be manipulated and changed at any time….you could melt that bad boy down, still have “the ring” in essence, reformed into a solitaire, do a sapphire halo around the diamond and still be wearing “the ring” in a Lazarus Reborn kind of way….
If she’s going to stick on it…give it back to her and say as lovely as it is, and as touching as the gesture was, you would rather have some say in how the symbol of your marriage to her son looks, rather than being a walking, talking display case for her jewelry.
Post # 5
If I were in your position I would design or find an amazing stand-alone wedding band with sapphires and after the wedding wear the engagement ring as a right hand ring.
Post # 6
I think the ring is lovely but it is not even close to the ring you wanted. Your FI and her mother seem so attached to it though, I do not see how you can make the change gracefully. The ring you like is untraditional as an e-ring though and I don’t see why you can’t still have it as a RHR or possibly an upgrade down the line.
Post # 7
@joyfulgirl9682: I agree with MidnightSun: Design a stand alone wedding band that you love and transfer the e-ring to your right hand. The first one she posted is AMAZING
Post # 8
@6598731ssfse3: Those are stunning!
Op, I’m not going to lie. I think the ring you are being forced to wear looks outdated and like a spider web. No offence to your FMIL. She should not be forcing (more like guilting you) into wearing.
See if you can approach her and say that the ring was new to her and brought her many years of happiness and you’d be honored to wear the stone. Tell her that you want it reset it to symbolize YOUR new life with your FI and that you don’t wish to offend her. Would that fly?
Post # 9
You’re the one who is going to have to wear it for the rest of your life.
If you aren’t happy with it, maybe keep and wear it as a RHR and get the beautiful ring you really wanted if the budget allows as your ering.
Post # 10
That sucks, I’m sorry that happened that way.
I think your FMIL giving her son her engagment ring for you is an incredibly sweet and generous gesture. However, deciding that this would also be YOUR engagement ring without even asking you is pretty crappy. Yes, the ring is just a symbol, but it’s a symbol of your relationship with your FI. I think your feelings and preferences should definitely have been taken into account.
Also, with your FMIL upset about you not loving the style — what did she expect? Everyone has different taste, and that’s…..a lot of ring. My FI and I had a lot of fun trying on rings and picking out the perfect one for our budget — it was really a bonding experience for us. I’m sorry that your FI seems to have decreed what ring you’re supposed to wear for the rest of your life.
Post # 11
@cmbr: I agree.
OP, I would either do like midnightsun posted or just tell your FI that it’s really not your style. I think you have a right to have your engagement ring be something you love. I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but this is one of the smaller issues you two will have to agree upon throughout your lifetime. She should understand that it’s not what you wanted. Good luck!
Post # 12
If I were you, instead of trying to find my ‘dream’ wedding band to match this e-ring, I would pick out my dream e-ring and matching wedding band when going wedding band shopping with FI, don’t mention it at all to FMIL and right after the wedding start wearing her e-ring as a right hand ring with your dream e-ring and wedding band on your wedding ring finger.
I would even be very hush hush about the new set to everyone, not just FMIL, until after the ceremony. Just have a trusted friend be the real ring bearer with your new set and switch the old e-ring to your other hand right before walking down the aisle. If anyone asks about your wedding band before the wedding just say “its’ beautiful, but we think it’s bad luck to show it to anyone before the wedding so you’ll have to wait”.
She won’t be able to say anything to you since you’ll be married already and the jewelry is all purchased. I wouldn’t even discuss it with her either, I would wait for her to bring it up and the only response I would give is something along the lines of “I feel so special to be wearing your e-ring along with my own wedding jewelry” so hopefully she gets teh message that the discussion is over, it’s your own jewelry and she cant’ control what you wear.
Post # 13
@beb1972: +1 to all of this!
If she really wants you to keep the ring exactly as is, then I would give it back.
Post # 14
Rock and a hard place hun. I think maybe the best thing to do is be honest with her but word it the right way.
“This is my promise to you of forever, and this is the ring I will be wearing forever, it means a lot to me and I want it but maybe we can have it reset into something more my style.”
If you’re not able or willing to say that then let it go and I think getting a wedding band that is more in your liking is a great idea!
Or you can go out an buy a wedding band for your FI that you know she wont like and see if she gets a sense of how you feel? Evil, but just might work.
Post # 15
i think your FI needs to step in here and remind his mother that she actually isn’t a party to the engagement! it’s lovely that she is willing for you to have this family ring – BUT she needs to be realistic – she knows it’s not your style and you’ll need to wear it forever.
I don’t know why your FI continued on with the plan to give you the family ring when he knew you wouldn’t like it? is it a budget issue? could you maybe use this ring ‘for now’ until you are able to get a ring that’s about you two?
it just seems like you’re being awfully accomodating of your FI and your FMIL, and neither of them seem very concerned about what you like – and you are the one who needs to wear it.
Post # 16
I think the stone would look amazing reset like this!