(Closed) I dont feel like a bride.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I just want to send you a virtual hug. My friends and family all live 2-6 hours away, and my fiance and I have done the wedding planning ourselves (Ok, I have done it with his input). My mom has never EVER asked one single question about the wedding, if we talk about it, it’s b/c I bring it up.

I shopped for my dress alone, bought it alone, tried it on alone (with the exception of the day it came in, I had someone with me that day), went to all my fittings alone…

I had no bridal shower and will have no wedding party.

Our guests are all immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles) and close friends (3 couples and one single).

Sometimes it gets lonely, but on the flip side, I had to deal with very little outside drama…well, my soon-to-be mother-in-law stirred up a bit, but it was mild in the grand scheme of things.

I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and we are all here for you πŸ™‚

Your wedding will be awesome and you will be beautiful!!

Post # 6
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to chime in. I totally understand how you feel. All of my family and best friends live in NY, and right now we live out in CA. We have friends are out here, but our family is out there… I have no female friends out here, they’re all in NY… so, unless they want to throw me a wedding shower and fly me out there, I’ll not be having one.

Not to mention that I’m not even having a wedding, because we cant afford one. We’re gonna be saving up to elope.. so just the price of my dress, a wedding officiants, his tux rental, and a photog… I’m really bummed, considering my parents threw my older sister a HUGE wedding, and never saved away any money for me. 

**hugs** We’ll get through it somehow

Post # 8
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@sheepandbear:  I’ve felt this way off and on since my fiance and I got engaged.  I’ve never felt resentful towards the members of my bridal party … But I have definitely felt a little sad from time to time because they’re all so far away (the closest lives about 800 miles away and the other two live 1000+ miles away).

My mom flew in to go dress shopping with me in January, which made me a little more excited about the whole wedding planning process.  It sucked when she went back home, though, because I know I won’t be seeing her again until I fly back to my hometown in September for my cousin’s wedding.

So yeah … None of the people who would normally be helping with the wedding craziness are nearby.  I feel like I definitely can’t ask any of my friends here for any help (I try not to even talk about the wedding stuff that much around them!) because I think it would be rude to expect someone to do a bunch of stuff for a wedding they’re not in.  Yes, they’ll be invited to attend … But still.

I didn’t really want any parties/showers anyway, so that’s not a huge deal for me.  I won’t lie, though … There have been a few times when I’ve thought, “Well, it might be fun to have a bachelorette party and just go out and have a good time with friends.”  However, I don’t expect anyone to throw a bachelorette party for me so I’m not allowing myself to entertain this idea too much.

I also feel very thankful for this website.  I can honestly say that I wouldn’t give a shit about any of this wedding stuff if I hadn’t signed up for WeddingBee.  It’s been extremely helpful (some things I would never even consider!), and it’s nice to have a place to talk about these things.  I actually feel excited about wedding planning most of the time!

Finally, I have to say that my fiance has also helped me feel more excited about this process.  He’s been really involved in all of the planning, which has been so wonderful!  If he weren’t so involved I probably would just say, “Fuck it.  We’ll just go to the courthouse.”  I can’t even imagine trying to do all of this stuff without my mom, bridal party, and fiance.  I think I need him to keep me sane most of the time!  Haha.

Post # 9
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013



I feel this way a lot too. None of my friends are in state anymore and I’ve lost touch with a lot of my college friends so I don’t know who I’d invite other than my two best girlfriends who are OOS atm. I’m having a small wedding that’s mostly going to be FI’s family since my family is another country and can’t make it. 

I honestly don’t think I’ll be having a wedding at all. Just going to the courthouse on a random week and just getting married at this point.

Post # 10
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sheepandbear:  I know how you feel. I have gone through two MOH’s already, one was my best friend who couldn’t do it because she had a previous commitment which would have been fine if she hadn’t agreed to it to begin with and the other because she will be 8 months pregnant when my Fiance and I get married and isn’t sure she can travel. But despite it all, I asked one my other girls who also happens to be one of my closest friends to step in as my Maid/Matron of Honor and she is absolutely thrilled. I am not being thrown a bridal shower either, all of my BMs live out of state and I don’t have that many female friends here that I would want to invite except maybe 2-4 girls. My FI’s relatives are throwing us a wedding shower in June and his parents are graciously hosting our rehearsal dinner so I am thankful for that. I know how you feel about your girls not being interested in your wedding planning. I think maybe one or two of mine have expressed interest but other than that, the others are kind of just doing their thing. And my female friends don’t care that much because they are either all married or getting ready to get married or divorced. And my mother has all but stayed out of the wedding planning process minus going with me to shop for a dress. Thank goodness for Wedding Bee! You girls are awesome. πŸ™‚ We aren’t going on a honeymoon either, we won’t have much extra funding left after our wedding so we are going to wait a year and go somewhere on our 1 year anniversary. When it comes down to it, all that matters is that you and your Fiance have the kind of day you want and that suits you the best. And that the people who care about the most and love you are there to celebrate the day with you. πŸ™‚ And the rest won’t matter in the long run! You will have your amazing husband and that is all that matters! πŸ™‚ Keep your head up! πŸ™‚ 

Post # 11
37 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

I understand!! I’ve felt this way at times too! I have four attendants, two of which are my matron of honors. They are both pregnant and so busy with baby stuff and their showers that they really haven’t had anything to do with my wedding. my mom has been there for me a lot with dress shopping and hearing me out on stuff but I’ve been doing all the planning. To top it off, my brother is getting married 3 weeks before me in Chicago and him and his fiancé seem to think that their wedding is way more important than mine. My fiancé has been amazing and supportive but sometimes I don’t think he realizes how little of time we actually have left and how much I really could use some help or how baldly he needs to book a honeymoon. There hasn’t been any shower plans made, a few mentions in passing but nothing else. I feel like everyone is too busy and it’s just not as important to them. I know it will all end up good but it makes it more stressful and not as bride feeling! 

Post # 12
1032 posts
Bumble bee

@sheepandbear:  I cried a lot… my sister had her wedding about 10 years ago, so I guess my parents just figured they’d be OK to throw another one when the time came up. But I understand why they cant, times are tough right now… I just wish I’d at least get a wedding shower or something. Just some kind of nod, or recognition at all.

Post # 13
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you are feeling this way – and I empathize, truly… I don’t feel like a bride for a number of reasons, and it does make one feel sad. I think, mostly, because everything is so hyped up around weddings – and we have this expectation that we are going to get to live in this fairy tale world of parties and romance… And when it doesn’t happen that way, we feel less than adequate, unworthy, unrecognized, unloved, etc…

I think a lot of women get pretty close to the fairy tale – but I also think that is a result of a fair amount of luck. Those women are truly lucky to have folks that want to support them and stand up with them and watch the romantic fairy tale unfold. But then there’s the rest of us, who – for whatever reasons, due to whatever circumstances – end up with our expectations not being met. Maybe it’s because we can’t afford the wedding of our dreams. Or maybe because a member/members of our bridal party aren’t supportive. Or maybe there’s family drama. Or someone stole our dress. Or our wedding date. The potential for everything NOT to come together in one perfect day is astounding…

I guess, at the end of the day, while we may not feel “bridal” – the end result is that we will be joined with the man who loves us and we will be married. Heck, I don’t think marriage is actually what we are brought up to believe, either… I don’t think ANY of us are inherently prepared to meet the challenges and roadblocks that will arise when you chose to spend an entire lifetime with someone! It’s going to take work – and, as with weddings, some get lucky, and some, sadly, do not.

I was engaged in November.

I don’t feel like a bride, #1, because Fiance could care less if we actually have a proper wedding (meaning, a ceremony/reception with friends and family). Courthouse is just fine for him. We even disagree on how important vows are. If we do have a wedding/reception, we are struggling with spending so much money – because the PRACTICAL thing to do would be to build a barn for our horses… Add to that:

My mom passed away two years ago, so no Mom to share in the planning.

Sis is on the east coast, so we don’t get to do the fun planning things together, either.

Haven’t talked with my dad in over a decade – enough said there.

I went shopping for dresses by myself – and NOTHING looked right on me. I didn’t look like a bride. I looked like a fake.

No bridal party for me, albeit entirely of my own choice! But that really puts showers, bachelorette out of the question…

Honeymoon? We were talking about a cruise to Alaska, but we procrastinated and now everything’s booked.

Do I get sad about this? Yep, sure do. Do I wish my experience could be like some of our friends who got married last year, with big weddings and lots of friends and family to support and congratulate them? Yep. Do I feel like it’s just not fair? Yep.

But then I think about what’s important. REALLY important. In the past two months: A man I used to know was shot and killed by his wife. My coworker’s dad just passed, unexpectedly. Another coworker just broke his back.  LIFE happens. And we have very little control over any of it, truly. So we take what we can get. And you know what? When we are truly grateful for it, we often get more than we expected. Believe me, being grateful is NOT one of my strong suits in practice – but I know it in theory, and it helps put things like “not really feeling like a bride” in a little better perspective…

Your Fiance sounds like he is supportive – with the exception of the honeymoon… My advice? Sit Fiance down and tell him how important it is for you to have some sort of honeymoon for xyz reasons. Figure out something that you can both agree on. Acknowledge all of the unmet expectations – and then count your blessings. And then, let “perfect” go…


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