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I don't really think I felt particularly different as a newlywed than I had as a girlfriend. I admit that part of your problem may be that you don't feel enough people acknowledged your wedding and new status. And having a big gathering for the wedding can have a big impact on that simply because everyone is gathered around on the big day and you get to hear the "Congratulations" and feel the hugs and kisses. I can also see the appeal of having a quiet, private wedding in order to focus on what you mean to each other and the never ending commitment you are making to each other and get away from the grandeur of a wedding.
I don't know that honeymoon will make it better, but maybe a party might. I've been to a few "hey, we went on vacation to get married and now we're home" parties and they were a lot of fun. I've always taken presents and cards to those. I don't think it's been too long to still have one.
We also lived together before we got married, so I understand that things really don't change all that much.
I did have the wedding I wanted and planned, and although I loved it and thought it was a great night, I don't think it will be the most amazing night of my life. I'm assuming that night will be the birth of my child/children.
We also had a honeymoon just the two of us which was great, but I had to spend half of it locked up in the room with a migraine. Nothing seems to work out as planned in life, but that's just life. What about camping for a minimoon? It's very cheap, maybe you can borrow some supplies if you don't have any, and you can make all your own meals. Or maybe you can have a romantic weekend at home. Rent some good movies, cook a nice meal, etc.
I don't think the wedding or honeymoon made me feel like a newlywed, it was just knowing that my husband and I made a life long commitment to each other.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Sometimes our expectations can get in the way of reality. I think you need to find out what you are really missing (what is that feeling) and figure out how to get it. You can't go back a relive it, but you can create something new.
I know money is tight, but can you do something like start saving for a big party. Even if you can do $50-$100 per month, at least you'd have a goal and something to strive for. Maybe for your one year anniversary, you can have a big party and invite everyone to celebrate your marriage.
We couldn't afford our dream honeymoon and I was really sad about that for a long time (still am, when I read about dream honeymoons on WB). But, that was our reality. In those times, I try to focus on building our life together and any future trips we'll take together. I know I will never be able to recreate what could have been felt on our honeymoon - but, if anything, I'm trusting that future vacations will still have that romance because the depth of our love for each other.
It sounds like you are seeking the joy and excitement you feel you should have felt on the wedding day. Perhaps that can be recreated with a little celebration with invites to your friends and family - but, it sounds like that can't happen financially. My suggestion is to try to save up for it and do an anniversary party. All the anniversary parties I've ever been too have been such a wonderful celebration.
I do think there might be some truth about what your husband is telling you. If you focus on the negatives, it won't get better. Try to focus on the positive things (the commitment the love your life just made to you) and continuing to create a beautiful life together.
Feeling un-newlywed IS part of the post-wedding experience, IMO - but, that doesn't mean life has to be boring or un-sexy/romantic!!!!
That's precisely why we decided it wouldn't be too bad not living together before marriage (we had reasons that kept us from doing so)..but i have to ask..would you rather feel "like newlyweds" or had those years of living together? I just wanted to point to you look at that so you might feel better. For me..if thing weren't in the way..i would have loved to live together with my hubby...cuz now we're married and still living apart. =( Have you tried finding time to go on a minimoon and just enjoy some alone time? I hope one or two day away may help you feel better. We've been married legally for 3 months and have not only spent weekends together. =(
What if you plan a reception and honeymoon for your 1 year anniversary? A lot of people have receptions at home after destination weddings. And this way it would feel special because it's your anniversary plus you'd have time to save.
Maybe people aren't having huge reactions because they weren't included? They might not realize how spur of the moment it was. But either way, you're married! Enjoy it!
Thank you ladies! You seriously make me feel so much better just by letting me know that i am not alone and i really appreciate your help and ideas!!
@BrianneG: We thought about having a "just married party" for a while, but now after seeing people's lousy reactions we don't want to do it anymore
@artbee: I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering from migraine, especially on your honeymoon. I had it once when i was a teenager and it was the most terrible pain ever, i'm grateful that i never had it ever since.
We spent almost every weekend watching movies and we hate camping :)) But this reminds me of having a picnic by the river! We haven't done that for years though it's so nice and really romantic. Yeah, we should totally do that!
@mmsva: I hope our financial situation will have recovered until our first anniversary and that we will be able to afford a short trip to Ireland or somewhere in Europe then. I have enough airline miles to get one ticket for free, yay :)
@oracle: I can't focus on the positive things and it drives me crazy! I know i should and i keep telling myself "Stop being so negative!" but i can't, i just can't stop thinking and feeling that way. I think this negative attititude is a result of my job. i once read that scientists confirmed that people who have an irregular work schedule and lack of sleep due to nightshifts and so on have a much higher risk to suffer from depressions and mood swings than people in a "regular" job. And it seems to be true, i started noticing this negative behaviour after entering my job and a lot of my coworkers have similar problems as well
@swtTea: Oh that must be terrible, being married but not being together! I'm sorry you have to go through that! And you're making a really good point. I wouldn't want to miss the years of living together! We moved a few times and we always had so much fun renovating and decorating, but also a lot of stress and so many things went wrong, but that brought us even closer together. Living together and sharing our lives with each other is just wonderful and i wouldn't want to trade it!!
@Future MrsB: I'm not expecting huge reactions but i do think that at least closest family members should send a card or give us a call. That's not too much to ask for, at least in my opinion
@Usuki: if you aren't getting enough sleep that could be 99% of your problem right there. :( Sleep affects everything, IMO. I have a friend who works nights and she invested in some blackout curtains and that helped her tremendously.
I'm also a strong believe in fake it til you make it. I know you may not feel like being positive, but maybe just stop vocalizing it, when it's negative, and - if you want to take it a step further: forcing yourself to say something positive instead.
I'm so sorry you feel sad and disappointed. Things will be okay, I promise.
My DH and I also had a not-so-good honeymoon. One day we hope to take 2nd honeymoon/make it up, even if it's with a baby/little one. We did recently go on a getaway during my springbreak(I'm a teacher) and that kind of made up for it a little, but it was local(same state), and I am talking about going on a real 2nd honeymoon someday to a tropical place, etc. I think at first, I really wanted to go right away too, like you. But that has died down especially since I just made up for it by going to Palm Springs and lounging by a pool/seeing sites there/relaxing etc. However, even if it's 2 years from now I want a 2nd honeymoon to makeup for our disasterous time. It was still special since it was our honeymoon, but it could've been a lot better!
Also, I unfortunately don't really remember much of my own wedding night. After our reception(and I had a bit of alcohol in my system), we drank more as an afterparty in DH's parents' room with my BIL and his girlfriend. We then went to the hotel lobby and hungout. I basically blacked out that night. We didn't have a romantic time that night.
We got ourselves out of our little ruts by still going out on dates often and being romantic at home, and doing things that remind us of the beginning of our relationship more. This helps:)
Hope you feel better:)
Even though you think everyone had lousy reactions to your wedding, I still think you should throw a party for it. People will come and that will make you feel better. Being a newlywed isn't just about people acknowledging your marriage, but it's about you and your husband knowing that you are married. Enjoy the time with your husband. Don't let other reactions bring you down.
Also, plan for a honeymoon for a later date. My DH and I weren't going to go on a honeymoon until my parents gave us our wedding gift in advance, which was money. They wanted us to go on one. So we did and it wasn't the greatest. We took a cruise that we had already been on before, we were both sick and it rained most of the trip. We were in bed every night at 9 because we felt awful. It wasn't my dream honeymoon and I'm disappointed that we didn't take that money and save it for a better vacation. But, it is what it is. We will go on a better one some other time, even if we have kids then.
It will get better, but you have to let it get better. Don't focus on what others are saying and don't focus on the past. Focus on your future with your DH and enjoy just being married.
Don't feel bad. I don't think that most couples have this amazing romantic night on the wedding night. People forget that you are up a long time and possibly drinking which all put a hamper on romantic fun.
My husband and I didn't have a honeymoon either. I think the two of you need to take a weekend away together. Really there isn't much different being married when you have been together that long (we have been together for 8 years now) but it's still good to be married.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way :(
I hope you can get to take that honeymoon sooner rather than later
I feel for you because I know exactly where you're coming from. I worked all the way up until the day of my wedding, I even put in OVERTIME the day before. We got married Saturday, I worked my second job on Sunday and Monday we both went back to work. We had our honeymoon a week later, but I had food poisoning the whole time. We got back from our honeymoon and 4 weeks later we found out I was pregnant. We haven't had ANY time to just feel like newlyweds. I work a M-F job and a weekend job. We get no time together, but we need the money. And having the kid is just going to make things more stressful. I feel like we haven't been able to just relax since we started planning our wedding back in 2009 because we haven't.
Take this time to take another vacation or have a date night....something where it's just you two.
Again, thank you so much for your comments! I'm sorry that i can't reply to every single one right now, i'm just too tired to write more than a few words ( it's already 1am here). But i want you to know that i appreciate your responses and that you took the time to share your stories!
I really felt the need to share on this thread because I understand so much of what you are feeling. I don't have any direct advice, other than I agree with those who urge you to plan for some sort of future party or honeymoon or BOTH, even if you have to save for a long time.
However I did want to share some of what happened with us that makes me understand how you feel.
We are both full time college students, with 3 kids together, and we have been together for 8 years. We were not able to legally marry without traveling to do so, otherwise we would have married long ago, but it took us this long to be able to afford to travel and have a wedding out of state, so we were married 1200 miles away from our home state.
All of the planning was done while we were also dealing with school and the kids and my spouse was also working. I did most of the planning, and we married over Spring Break. The planning was INSANE because we planned it all from out of state. Many people couldn' come to the wedding because of the distance or work obligations, so we had a very "intimate" wedding and were mising many of our closest friends.
The night of our wedding was spent driving our photographer back to the airport hours away so she could make an early Sunday morning flight and get back to her job (she is from our area and traveled up to photograph the wedding). The next day was our last day in town and we had several people relying on us for transportation six hours away from Iowa to Chicago so they could catch planes, so the last day we were in Iowa we had to return cake equipment to the baker and get evyerhting packed up and cleaned up out of the house we rented for the week.
So, by the time we got back to our rental place after driving the photographer, it was 3 or 4 am and we had to be up early the next day, obviously not much of a "wedding night" at all for us!
We knew we wouldn't be able to have a honeymoon right away but we did hope for just ONE night alone as a married couple, and it hasn't happened yet!
We returned to Texas and my Grandmother died the same day we got back. :(
SO, we were married March 19th and since then we've dealt with the death of my Grandma, the death of our beloved cat (she was old, but still), and the last weeks of this semester which is always hectic, with papers due and finals and all of that.
We are planning to have an at home reception but it is up in the air due to finances. Same goes for our honeymoon. We are wanting to honeymoon in New Orleans and we don't have the money to make concrete plans. My spouse's work hours will increase next week since school is over but then that means less time if we DO get the money together for honeymoon. :-(
And yes, part of the disappointment for us has been how we didn't get much positive feedback either. It does kind of feel like "Oh, you got married, but you've been together forever so it's no big deal.." because we had some very close friends who couldn't come, and we expected more in the way of congrats after we got back I guess? And teh same goes for family members, who couldn't make it. It just felt like our wedding wasn't really on anyone's radar. :(
It makes me sad because I remember my marriage to my first husband. No one wanted me to marry him. EVERYONE warned against it but I was young and dumb. Anyway, he and I didn't have a honeymoon either, just a single night away in a nearby city. We got tattoos and I had a few drinks and we passed out tired at the hotel then came back the next day. We had a courthouse wedding. But even then, people seemed excited for us, even people who didn't want me marrying him, and my co-workers at the time, people I didn't even LIKE, got us wedding gifts and cards even though they weren't at the wedding. So yeah, part of me feels like it sucks becuase here I am all these years later with my first actual "wedding" (as in the big dress and all) and marrying someone who is GOOD for me and good TO me, and no one can even send a card?
So that's my/our story and that's why I empathize. My spouse is different; she still wants the at home reception and honeymoon and all that but she is pretty much bouncing off the walls with "We're married!! We're married!" and I feel bad for not being as enthusiastic.
I know it sounds very self-pitying and I am trying very hard to look FORWARD but I understand your disappointment!
Don't be discouraged, we also lived together before geting married and it took me a good 3-4 months to feel like newlyweds. Especially because you got married on vacation, getting back into the swing of things can get in the way with enjoying your new status. Keep your head up and think of things you cna do to enjoy your husband like that picnic by the river.
So, I can totally understand why it might not be appealing to have a big party for people who haven't reached out to make you feel special. just to play the devil's advocate, though...do you think that maybe some people have hurt feelings that they weren't more involved in your wedding?
I definitely feel like people shouldn't take how other people choose to celebrate their wedding personally -- obviously a lot goes into planning any wedding and it's more complicated than inviting people you care about and not inviting people you don't. But in my experience, the only people on our guest list who have been particularly sensitive to what *we're* going through/dealing with, are people who have been married recently. People who haven't been married or got married a hundred years ago are happy to sit on their response cards and call you with crazy requests. And I don't think they mean to be jerks; they just plain aren't thinking.
My guess would be that you may be dealing with some combination of people not realizing that this would be an appropriate time to celebrate their friends/relatives, the newlyweds, and there may be a few sourpusses who refuse to be happy for you because they weren't involved in your wedding day. And while appeasing people who feel sorry for themselves unnecessarily is probably not a super compelling reason to consider changing your plans, I just wanted to share this:
One of the most fun wedding events I ever went to was a month or two after the couple got married in the mountains with only their parents present. They sent out e-vites, printed up photos, put out a guest book to sign, and we all met them at a local restaurant for a big barbecue dinner. That's a really economical way to feed people around these parts ($5-$7/person!), the bride wore a white sundress she'd picked up at the mall that day, and everything had a big party vibe without being too fussy at all. They didn't stress about it or go broke, and most importantly, it didn't seem like a big ploy for attention weeks after their big day. It was just a cool summer party that happened to have a guest book and photo album for those who were interested, they didn't push it on anyone, it was just a "we're married, we're happy, come party with us" sort of affair, which was very cool.
Anyhow, I know this only addresses one facet of your post but I thought I'd mention it just in case you think there may be some ice to be broken with suddenly aloof friends or relatives who are making something personal that isn't. you deserve for your support system to be there and be happy for you, so if it helps, i would try to figure out what you would be willing to do -- if not a big party, maybe a small potluck at your place, just something to show people that they're important to you and give them a chance to show you in return that they care, and they are happy for you.
No matter what you decide to do, I hope you feel better about things soon!
@MsInterpret: Wow, reading this make me feel so stupid and i realize that my situation isn't so bad actually. At least we had our vacation, and even if it wasn't that romantic getaway every couple dreams of we still had a nice time and i should just be grateful! I'm so sorry about your loss of your grandmother and the cat! I really hope you will be able to have the reception and your honeymoon soon. How old are your kids? Isn't here any chance to have them stay at their grandparents or friends so that you can have at least one romantic night alone? I'm sure this would help you feel better!
@slicey19: What made you change your feelings after a few months?
@mkpw: That's the kind of party we had in mind, but besides that we currently don't feel like we want to have it there is another problem. Most of our family members don't live nearby and they would have to travel a few hours to get here.
Maybe we'll invite them during summer, maybe not, we'll see. For now i'll just try to focus on the things we can do here, create our wedding album and declutter and rearrange our appartment. We still have a coupon for some sightseeing attractions here, so we'll just play tourists in our own city and have the picnic at the river ( if it ever stops raining...)
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Ok, i know this is ridiculous but i feel so sad and there is nothing i can do to make me feel better. Maybe writing down my thoughts is a good start to handle this.
Everyone here keeps saying how much the wedding changed their relationship, that the wedding was the best day ever and how much they enjoyed being a newlywed. Recently someone started a thread about the honeymoon and everyone commented that their honeymoon was wonderful and it almost made me cry. I don't feel like a newlywed at all!
DH and i have been together for over six years and we've been living together since then. I knew getting married wouldn't change much in our relationship. We have always been very close and felt as if we were already husand and wife, and making it official by signing a paper doesn't make a difference.
We got married while we were on vacation in Florida. When we booked the flights we told my parents to come with us because we had already been on vacation with them and it was fun. That was before we decided to get married there and when we started planning the wedding we thought it would be ok to have my parents with us. Ok, so we got married and had a nice day and everything.
But now that we are back home i feel like we did everything wrong. I regret that it wasn't just the two of us. Our wedding was in the middle of our vacation which means that we spent the rest of the time with our parents instead of having a romantic time as a couple in love. Our wedding night wasn't special because we both were really tired and fell asleep immediately. And the next morning i felt terribly sick. We didn't drink alcohol so it definately wasn't a hangover, DH thinks it was some kind of sunstroke . So i couldn't even enjoy waking up in our beautiful hotel room overlooking the beach and the atlantic ocean.
Today we've been married for 5 weeks and i don't feel like a newlywed at all, i never did. I miss the excitement and romance and i feel like we missed a really important part in our lives by not having a"real" honeymoon. Just the two of us enjoying "us", raving about our wedding, being in "paradise" and having an exciting time before returning to the daily routine. It's been our 4th time in Florida and as much as we love it there i just miss that we didn't go to dream-like place.
I really wish we could go on a real honeymoon, or at least a mini-moon on a weekend to get that romantic "crazy-in-love"-feeling. But currently our money is more than tight and we can't even afford going out for dinner.
And what makes it even worse is that no one cares about our wedding, no one sent us a gift ( probably because no one was invited). The only gifts we got are from DH's coworkers (that was already before we left) and the owner of our hotel in Florida, technically those people are complete strangers but they care more than our own family and friends. People i haven't spoken to in years leave a nicer comment on Facebook than those that i consider close. DH's mother doesn't call, his brother said "congratulations, you'll get a gift someday" and then changed the topic immediately, and my closest friend didn't even send a card. The person who used to be my best friend wrote "congratulations" on my Facebook wall, and that's all! No call, no email, nothing. Are you kidding me???
Oh, and it's not really about the gifts: but not getting gifts or cards increases my "anti-newlyweds" feelings. I totally miss having that special feeling and being excited, even if it was only for a few days.
DH says i'm never satisfied, i will always find something to complain about and that i always only see the negative things instead of being happy with the good things. He's right, i'm always like that and i'm annoyed by myself.
Anyone here feel/ felt the same? If so, how did you deal with it?