Weddingbee boards

Hello Bees,

Usually when a couple announces that they are expecting you feel joy and happiness for them. I found out this weekend that a couple who we are friends with is pregnant, but all I felt was worry instead of excitement. For the sake of not naming names we will call this couple Jack and Jane.

DH and I became friends with this couple because Jack and my DH have mutual friends. Over the past couple of years we have all hung out and taken part in birthdays, dinners, parties, some holidays etc., but we haven't become overly close.

My issue with this pregnancy is that I know a horrible, life destroying, secret that everyone is keeping from Jane. I feel like this should be written in a book and not in our lives. Part of me feels like it's not possible for her to be completely oblivious, but another part of me sees how innocent and trusting she is that I wonder...

The problem I am talking about is Jack's addiction to cocaine. I work in a healthcare and safety orientated feild so it's my job to know the signs of an addiction. At first I thought I was being irrational, until it became very obvious what was going on. Jack started out with doing it socially. I know this because unfortunately DH's little brother has often gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd (some of you may remember the other posts..)and he has told me of numerous times where the two of them have snuck off during a get together or party to go do a couple lines. Jack's social use soon turned to something worse as he started getting tangled up in lies and spending the night at friend's houses when he is supposed to be at "work." I went over to our best man's house one morning to pick up some gardening supplies and there was Jack on the couch in the garage. He was startled to see me especially since he was supposed to be at "work," but was instead looking like a mess and completely strung out. DH and I had to draw the line one night when he came over for some beers, but had actually brought over some cocaine and tried to get DH to do some with him. He threw a bag on my kitchen counter, very obviously under the influence, when we had kids sleeping in the next room. I was mortified and we have not hung out with him since.

In the meantime I have been so worried about Jane. I have been really torn on whether or not to bring up the issue. Part of me knows that he needs help, but the other side of it is me feeling like I am sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. Now that I found out they are expecting I am even more upset. My hands are tied. I have no proof other than hear-say and my own word. These are things she is not going to want to hear especially when she's pregnant. I also wonder if she suspects it. I honestly think she has no clue. I'm worried what will happen to the baby if he can't kick this habit and he is supposed to care for him/her. At this point I am staying out of it, but it's really a point of stress in my life. I feel so bad for Jane :(

I apologize for how long this is, but I needed to get it all out!

I think if you are really convinced that you need to say something, the best thing you could do is send Jane an anonymous letter explaining the situation. Send it in the mail from a town other than your own and write it all down. It could start some conversation between them.

I have a feeling that things have taken a turn for the worse and it's only a matter of time before she finds out. My main concern is her finding out in a terrible way and jeoprodizing her pregnancy from the stress. At the same time I would feel terrible if I myself was the cause of the stress from telling her.

I think for now I am going to stay out of it. As a professional I will have to draw the line if I find out it later affects their child. I would never be able to live with myself if I stood by and watched something like that, plus I feel a legal obligation to keep the child safe. She would never endager her child though and I think if it came down to it she would leave him over something like this. People surprise you when they are deeply in love though. It really saddens me, but it's honestly not my place to step in.

I am usually an advocate of voicing your concerns in a situation like this. If you do choose to speak to Jane, I think you should be ready for her to react negatively and not be very receptive - after all, this is a hard truth to hear! Jack would also likely find out and be furious at you and your husband. If you want to avoid this, anonymous letter may be the way to go. I do think, no matter how you deliver this message, it would be helpful to Jane to learn about it, and maybe even have her existing suspicions confirmed so that the two of them can start working this out.

Wait wait WAIT. So everyone knows Jack is addicted to coke, but NO ONE HAS BOTHERED TO TELL JANE?

That's not a secret you keep. Not. At All.

Intervention time.