Post # 1
I’m ready for full on judgement. I feel shame and anger for thinking my 2 carat cushion cut G color VS1 ring is not large enough. Here is my story… We are 45 and 47 yrs old. My fiance is a doctor and makes about $450k. He pays about $100k in alimony and child support and has about $150k in assets. I make about $200k. I have approximately $1 million in assets and own my home. We have 4 children between us and all are under 10 years old. I have 1 child and he has 3 children. We have a terrible relationship with his ex-wife. We have a great relationship with my ex-husband. My side is super easy and his side is non-stop chaos. No need to go into all of the details but she makes our life as difficult as she can. Why is this information relevant to the ring size? It really isnt, but I want to point out that I have to put up with a lot. My friends say I’m a saint. We live in an area where the norm is 2 to 3 carat. Herein lies one of “my issues”. His exwife had a 2.5 carat that he bought her while he was in medical school. And he has commented numerous times about how expensive, beautiful and nice that ring was. Honestly, when he presented my ring , I didnt even think it was 2 carats at first. I dont understand why he wouldnt buy a ring for me that is the same or even a little bit better than his first wife. Isnt that common knowledge? I’m very hurt and disappointed. My last issue is just our overall net worth. I’m well aware of our financial situation. We can easily afford a 2.5 carat ring and even a 3 carat ring. And maybe we get a H color instead of G (?) to keep the cost down. We also decided since this was our second wedding we were going to just have a small intimate wedding with family and close friends. Nothng extravangant, since we both have had large weddings. We would not be incurring a big expense there. I’ve discussed this with him and he has been able to control his hurt and shock at my shallowness and has been supportive and sweet. He said he focused on the quality not the size. He is very excited to marry me. I know he loves me and we are truly best friends! I love him so much. Any other man would have thrown me to the curb. He said we could go and get a bigger diamond but it would be at a financial loss. We couldnt resell the diamond for what he paid and then the cost of the new diamond. The practical side of me is not happy and feel that I have to settle now. My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy. Honestly, a three carat ring now after all of this would not make the pit in my stomach go away. All I can focus on now is why he bought only a 2 carat in the first place. I’m never going to get that moment back. I have left out a huge part that I have resolved…the proposal sucked!!! But, I’m passed that and we have worked it out. I have such a wide range of feelings over this…from shame to anger. I’m hoping someone out there will have the words, wisdom and insight to help me. In the grand scheme of things if my biggest problem is a 2 carat vs 3 carat then life is good. Humor me please with your words of advise and yes, even criticism. I’m ready…..
Post # 3
@Ringblues: Regardless of the size and what you want, I think you are harboring a lot of resentment toward your FI and you may have lost sight of the reason why you are marrying him to begin with. Perhaps there are insecurities in your relationship that you are avoiding or are in denial about and this is a way of it manifesting?
I understand that 2-3 carats may be common where you are from and that you both can easily afford more, but why can’t the ring represent more the gesture and the symbol of love, rather than a carat weight? If you constantly compare what you have to what others have, you will never be happy.
ETA: If it truly does bother you, perhaps sit down with your FI and discuss it in a reasonable, rationale way. You can both probably compromise and find a ring that suits your wants and fits the budget.
Post # 4
@Ringblues: I don’t think you’re passed your lackluster proposal if you say it sucks. What you can do is say that you would like to upgrade your diamond and start shopping by yourself.
Now onto more pressing concerns. You two make a ton of money, no question about that. There is absolutely no reason for him to make $450k and only have $150k in assets. In my opinion, he needs to look at curbing his discretionary spending. You seem to have done well for yourself on your $200k/year salary. I don’t care how much he has in student loans/child support/alimony, he should have more than $150k in savings at that salary!
Post # 5
@bmo88: I agree with this. If she’s worried about status level of her ring, maybe she should reconsider marriage if that’s her focus. Two carat isn’t small in my opinion, but if it bothers her, she has plenty of money to upgrade her own stone.
Post # 6
I don’t understand but do, but agree with “If you constantly compare what you have to what others have, you will never be happy”
I’d be honest and express to him how you feel. Maybe he also has issues/unresolved feelings with your ex?
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
You mention that you wish you had a ring “that is the same or even a little bit better than his first wife”
Why? Why does this matter to you? You have the man, she has a 2.5 carat reminder. This isn’t a competition.
Post # 8
If I were marrying a divorced man I too would want a ring bigger than his exes. Whether that ‘bigger’ is 0.3 ct or 3 ct. For the people who may be critical of your post I would say ignore the cost/size (you are obviously very fortunate either way) but focus on the unintentional message he was sending. Regardless, 2 ct is nothing to scoff at. You are clearly in an excellent financial position yourself, you could always buy a bigger diamond. I have a tough time believing that the place he bought it would not do an exchange considering that the 3 ct you’d want would net them a nice profit. EVERYTHING in life is negotiable.
Post # 9
I too am a bit concerned that he only has 150k in assets at that salary and age. Have you done a full financial disclosure with each other? There may be more of a reason there why he didn’t get an even huger diamond.
Post # 10
“My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy.”
You have a million in assets and children and a man that loves you. Yet the RING is what you’re measuring your worth? You’re also in your forties. You should be a strong woman that doesn’t concern herself with such things.
I’m sorry your disappointed but it sounds like even you know this is not worth thinking about
Post # 11
I should have written perceived message, because OP feels slighted and I am sure that is not the message he was intending to send.
Post # 12
The value of a man’s proposal is not in the artificially inflated price of the lifeless inanimate rock he puts on your finger. It is in the rest of his life which he is expressing a wish to spend with you.
If you can’t get your brain around that, just pretend he’s saying “Hey babe. You’re worth risking 100k in alimony if I fuck this up.”
Post # 13
@Ringblues: He probably thinks of you as someone completely different than his ex. Maybe his ex obsessed over the ring and thought that you would not go down that road. He probably looked at the ring and thought that it was beautiful and bought it for you regardless of the price. I guess a display of money was not his goal.
I get why you would want a bigger one though and rather than secretly resenting him, you let him know. I am proud of you for that! Keep it open. Your feelings are valid even if other posts might try to discredit it.
Post # 14
@Ringblues: I think you’re harbouring resentment towards your FI, and particularly towards his ex-wife. Don’t let those ugly feelings colour your engagement. I’m usually the one Bee that pops in to say you should get whatever ring you desire, but in this case, I think you should seek counselling.
Post # 16
@Ringblues: Talk to your fiance about it. Get him to trade it in for a bigger one. Wouldn’t that solve the problem?
EDIT: Oh I see, it was a bad proposal. Hey, most of us get bad proposals. Our expectations are way too high because of movies and youtube.