I dont feel that my engagement ring is big enough

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@Ringblues:  Regardless of the size and what you want, I think you are harboring a lot of resentment toward your FI and you may have lost sight of the reason why you are marrying him to begin with. Perhaps there are insecurities in your relationship that you are avoiding or are in denial about and this is a way of it manifesting?

I understand that 2-3 carats may be common where you are from and that you both can easily afford more, but why can’t the ring represent more the gesture and the symbol of love, rather than a carat weight? If you constantly compare what you have to what others have, you will never be happy. 

ETA: If it truly does bother you, perhaps sit down with your FI and discuss it in a reasonable, rationale way. You can both probably compromise and find a ring that suits your wants and fits the budget.

Post # 4
Member
2537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Ringblues:  I don’t think you’re passed your lackluster proposal if you say it sucks.  What you can do is say that you would like to upgrade your diamond and start shopping by yourself. 

Now onto more pressing concerns.  You two make a ton of money, no question about that.  There is absolutely no reason for him to make $450k and only have $150k in assets.  In my opinion, he needs to look at curbing his discretionary spending.  You seem to have done well for yourself on your $200k/year salary.  I don’t care how much he has in student loans/child support/alimony, he should have more than $150k in savings at that salary!

Post # 5
Member
2537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@bmo88:  I agree with this.  If she’s worried about status level of her ring, maybe she should reconsider marriage if that’s her focus.  Two carat isn’t small in my opinion, but if it bothers her, she has plenty of money to upgrade her own stone.

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t understand but do, but agree with “If you constantly compare what you have to what others have, you will never be happy”

I’d be honest and express to him how you feel. Maybe he also has issues/unresolved feelings with your ex?

Post # 7
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

You mention that you wish you had a ring “that is the same or even a little bit better than his first wife”

Why? Why does this matter to you? You have the man, she has a 2.5 carat reminder. This isn’t a competition.

Post # 8
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

If I were marrying a divorced man I too would want a ring bigger than his exes. Whether that ‘bigger’ is 0.3 ct or 3 ct. For the people who may be critical of your post I would say ignore the cost/size (you are obviously very fortunate either way) but focus on the unintentional message he was sending. Regardless, 2 ct is nothing to scoff at. You are clearly in an excellent financial position yourself, you could always buy a bigger diamond. I have a tough time believing that the place he bought it would not do an exchange considering that the 3 ct you’d want would net them a nice profit. EVERYTHING in life is negotiable.

Post # 9
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I too am a bit concerned that he only has 150k in assets at that salary and age. Have you done a full financial disclosure with each other? There may be more of a reason there why he didn’t get an even huger diamond.

Post # 10
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

“My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy.”

You have a million in assets and children and a man that loves you.  Yet the RING is what you’re measuring your worth?  You’re also in your forties.  You should be a strong woman that doesn’t concern herself with such things.

I’m sorry your disappointed but it sounds like even you know this is not worth thinking about

 

Post # 11
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I should have written perceived message, because OP feels slighted and I am sure that is not the message he was intending to send.

Post # 12
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

The value of a man’s proposal is not in the artificially inflated price of the lifeless inanimate rock he puts on your finger. It is in the rest of his life which he is expressing a wish to spend with you.

If you can’t get your brain around that, just pretend he’s saying “Hey babe. You’re worth risking 100k in alimony if I fuck this up.”

Post # 13
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Ringblues:  He probably thinks of you as someone completely different than his ex. Maybe his ex obsessed over the ring and thought that you would not go down that road. He probably looked at the ring and thought that it was beautiful and bought it for you regardless of the price. I guess a display of money was not his goal.

I get why you would want a bigger one though and rather than secretly resenting him, you let him know. I am proud of you for that! Keep it open. Your feelings are valid even if other posts might try to discredit it.

Post # 14
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Ringblues:  I think you’re harbouring resentment towards your FI, and particularly towards his ex-wife. Don’t let those ugly feelings colour your engagement. I’m usually the one Bee that pops in to say you should get whatever ring you desire, but in this case, I think you should seek counselling.

Post # 16
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Ringblues:  Talk to your fiance about it. Get him to trade it in for a bigger one. Wouldn’t that solve the problem?

EDIT: Oh I see, it was a bad proposal. Hey, most of us get bad proposals. Our expectations are way too high because of movies and youtube.

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