Weddingbee boards

This is SO strange to post, but here goes:

Small family. Siblings within 2 years. No extended family in the least. No babysitting. All my students were 14 and older.

I don't understand the emotional appeal of babies. And the problem is - I'd like to, because it puts me completely out of the loop in most social situations.

I like the idea of babies, as in, I like the idea of creating another life with my FH. But... I am missing something.

I mean, I'm a Ph.D. candidate in science... I have at least 2 brain cells I can rub together and plenty of emotional depth to empathize with even the craziest situations, but I just don't GET children. How do you explain BLUE to someone who is blind?!

At Thanksgiving, I was in a social situation where there was a mother telling us funny stories about the big dinner with all her extended family and there was a story about a 4 year old nephew who made everyone laugh because he didn't know his grandfather's given name. And sure, I understand the ha ha logically - he should know, but he doesn't because he's a kid.

But I am lacking a DEPTH of humor there, a depth of understanding as to why having a "tot running around at the holidays" is an enjoyable experience, like someone in another thread on the Bee put it.

I don't understand why people question all us newly engaged for babies... why would our great aunts and uncles and STRANGERS want to know about our sex life and the result? Yes, we all tell ourselves that they're making conversation, but you could find a more common denominator in the toilet! There MUST be some appeal.

Parents, can anyone shed any light on this? One of my coworkers who recently gave birth... I saw her for just 30 seconds and there was something SO different in her eyes. She is NOT the same person and I don't know what is going on!

WHAT IS GOING ON? If it's cuteness, is it like puppies? Because I do love puppies... :)

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those "you'll understand when you have your own someday...." The problem is that I WON'T have my own UNTIL I understand. I want to really want it, you know?

I can't help you on this one.

When I volunteered at a hospital when I was younger, all of the girls would go "ZOMG TEH BAYBEEZ WE NEED TO LOOK AT THEM" and all wanted to work in the nursery.  

I was fine locked away in accounting doing paperwork.

I always said "i'll see where my life is in 5 years", which has now turned into "I'll see how I feel between 30-35".  BF was sooo certain he wanted two, and I was meh, and now BF is meh, so we will see between 30-35.  We figure our kids will be darn awesome, but people like to tell us that it's highly likely they're going to be autistic, since BF and I are all engineer-tastic.  What jerks. :(

Some kids do strike my "oh aren't you a cute mini-person!"-spot, but I think that's just nature going "if it's cute, you won't want to throw a rock at it!".

I might just not have been around enough kids to even develop either annoyance or indifference. If a toddler came toddling toward me with arms outstretched, my first reaction would probably be to back away, actually! I have no idea how to handle them, how to hold them or touch them and I DEFINITELY don't know what to DO when they start talking to you.

I respond, but since they're not my kids and I'm not familiar with them I... don't know the right things to say! lol

But yes - I am in love with the IDEA of babies because I am obsessed with baby pictures of my FI and would LOVE a little clone of him. Forget me, just him. But in person I don't understand. Maybe you have to be related to really get it?

Caitlanc- Oh, you're absolutely right, it is bred into us which is why sex is SO amazing :) But, see, that's the only part of the question I currently understand lol.

Surkim - the autism remark is ridiculous. What jackasses.

My Fi's relative has a toddler and there was a photo on FB of him standing on his head, with the caption that laughing was not optional. It's remarks like that I don't understand.

ejs4y8, I totally understand the "omg babbling!" sentiment. It's a kid of babbling age, it's going to try talking to you.  coconutmellie, yeah, it's a pretty jerky statement to make. 

Then, being the oldest female cousin on my dad's side, when my aunt had a baby, there was some huge assumption that I was going to babysit and love it. I feel like it's rude to say "no, I don't want to hold/babysit your kid", so I will take it, and sit there like "Um... so, is it supposed to do this?"  Thankfully, I have not had to babysit.

And apparently all small children of a certain age LOVE BF. We went to visit a friend once, and her daughter was making eyes at BF as hard as she could.  We go grocery shopping, and all the little kids will wave and smile.  I don't get it.  I'm waiting for the birds to land on his shoulder and bunnies to follow him around.

I don't think I got it until my stepson came along. I've never been one to goo or laugh at everything a baby does but it is different now that I have seen this person change from a waddling baby into a thinking talking person. I think thats why parents think everything is so cute and amazing...because its new. We think he is funny when he breaks out in the rainy day song bc its raining when he walks outside. Its funny and amazing bc 6 months ago he didn't have the ability to sing a whole song or to even put words to all the things he thinks and feels. 

I also swore I would never be one of those people who talks only about their kids but you feel yourself being consumed if they are there. We only talk about him to other parents or to his immediate family bc we recognize that most people dont care or just don't get it. I will say tho it is very hard to maintain the same lifestyle and keep your grown up activities but we are doing our best. Neither one of us wants to be "just parents", we want to be adults with adult interests. I think my brain might turn to mush otherwise...you can only read so many Thomas the train books before that happens:)

Derby - could you talk more about the process of bonding with a child that isn't biologically yours? I'm very interested in your perspective on this, since you seem to love him very much.

And Laylabelle - I blame my job as a researcher. I used to understand things at face value and "feel them out", but an emphasis on empirical evidence ALL the time really does a number on your head.

Case in point: I used to never give my FFIL's or my own father's interactions with me a second thought. Now, I type "paternal bond" and "father" into Wikipedia to try to see if they both match up with the cold and precise encyclopedia description, and I spend all this time analyzing whether or not they really "love" me.

Yeah, yeah.... I'm messed up.

I'm a total science dork, I work in a lab and I LOVE babies!  (I also love puppies, kittens and anything tiny and cute)

I am the youngest in my family and we always lived really far away from my extended family so I didn't see my little cousins much.  I babysat all through middle and high school, but it was usually 3-6 year olds, not babies.  I babysat for the money, not for the love of children!

When I was 16 my first niece was born and I babysat her a lot.  I think part of what is cool about kids is watching them learn new things.  If you talk to a little baby they will try to copy your mouth movements with their mouth.  If you smile and laugh at them, they will smile and giggle back, it's friggin cute and a dog doesn't do it!  Giving my niece different fruits for the first time was entertaining b/c she made funny faces and they are cuter on a little kid.  It's fun to see their reactions to new things and to see them learn how to do new things.  It's also fun to see their personalities emerge and how different they are from other kids.

I now have 10 nieces/nephews and I'm totally guilty of possibly boring people with kid stories.  Humans like to be entertained, it's a HUGE industry and people work very hard to come up with funny things say/do in movies.  Kids can innocently say little things and it's entertaining b/c they weren't trying to be funny, they just put things together in their head differently (like when my niece thought that my dad was pregnant b/c his belly looked like her Mom's belly at the time).

Now, all that being said, I'll be waiting about 4 more years before having one of my own!

The feeling of someone watching other children and having your own children is very different, so I think it's very hard for anyone to conceptualize what it feels like to be a parent or why some of the cute things kids do are funny until you have your own.

I also don't think that parental feelings are just internal for everyone. I also don't think that just because one doesn't have them before having a child means they won't change afterwards. I know lots of people who haven't been baby crazy, who are awesome parents and suddenly "get it" once they have kids. Until then, it's really abstract and, for some, maybe something they will never want to experience or will never enjoy.

Many women LOVE being pregnant. I HATED it both times. I mean, for basically a year I was miserable, depressed, feeling fat, moody, hungry, in pain... I couldn't understand how anyone who said being pregnant was awesome was telling the truth. For me, pregnancy couldn't be over fast enough and I just didn't get the wonder of it. The second time around I hoped it would be different but, nope, I hated it just as much (if not more) than the first time. I would be at appointments and all these women would be so happy and bright and I just wondered if something was wrong with me, or if something was wrong with them! lol...

Like you with babies, in theory I can understand how pregnancy can be a beautiful thing, but in my reality I just didn't get the "ah this is awesome" feeling, although logically I can understand why, for some, it would be an amazing times in their life.

And that's not to say I don't love my kids. They are AMAZING and I love being a mother, but the pregnancy part wasn't something that was great for me. So, I say all that to say that somethings in life are hard to understand until you experience them and even if/when a person does, it doesn't mean they will feel what the masses imply one should.

Thank you to EVERYONE who is replying and giving their thoughts- this really helps to hear others perspectives and hear these feelings that are unknown to me put into words.

My parents and I don't talk about mushy things much, so I tried recently to get perspective from my FFIL - who promply told me that he doesn't know anything about feelings like that (me: "but...but.. your son....didn't you... .ever..??") , and that "Why are you askin' me for? I HATE KIDS!" Deliciously nonsensical.

Rosie: Thanks so much for trying. This sentence really stood out for me "He warmed me upand when he cuddled into me, I knew that he already loved me without even knowing me for 1 minute."

HOW did you know? I hear this a lot and you described it nicely, how much your children even as newborn LOVE you. But how do you know that you are loved? And as they get older (I mean up to toddler age, before they are really speaking), how do they express love for you?

Now we're getting really phiosophical, but this is the root of what I'm curious about. It's clear that without you they could not survive, but that is dependence. How is LOVE felt from young children?

Moderndaisy: It's good to hear you say that the sexual part of the equation doesn't really come to mind. When my FMIL whined to my FH (I wasn't there) that she loved her step-grandchild and wanted more and he took the opportunity to share my private feelings about it, I was shocked and he couldn't understand why I would be bothered. Even for a man, it was apparantly very normal. He has tons of baby experience, I hear.