I don't know how to deal with FI's diagnosis – long

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

blackopbride:  would you be willing to share what, specifically, his diagnosis is? That would help people give you more informed advice.

Post # 3
1004 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think anyone in your shoes would be worried, having second thoughts, etc. I don’t have any experience with this, but I think joining a support group or talking to someone about it might be helpful.

Post # 4
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t know if I’d be ready to sign on for all that either. Some people can, and I commend ten but I don’t think I have that in me. Just like some people don’t have it in them to adopt a child, or needy pet, or care for elderly parents. I could care (and have) for an elderly, sick pet but I still was able to do things I wanted and have a true partner in life. I’ve also cared for a sick relative, but again it wasn’t life changing, and it was not lasting (she’s been gone 2 years now). 

Post # 5
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I second PP. Could you share his clinical history, please, including symptoms, tests, diagnosis, and treatment? Maybe we can advise you.

Post # 7
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I honestly have no idea what I would do so I won’t pretend to know.

But I do think it’s time to be honest with people. Your SO can’t keep hiding this. At some point he’s going to have to accept that this is his life now. His friends may provide some actual support, so why wouldn’t he tell them? And you HAVE to tell your family. I understand you’re afraid they will start pressuring you, but avoiding that decision isn’t going to make the dilemma go away. You ARE going to have to decide if this is a life you can sign up for. It may actually help you make the decision to have other people’s persepectives or even someone to just talk to.

Again, I’m so sorry, for you and for your SO. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is for him.


Post # 8
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t think there is any advice that I can give. You both are in extremely challenging positions. I guess I just wanted to drop in for hugs, and maybe to suggest seeing a therapist without your FI. That way you can say those things that you can’t say in front of him. While your thoughts are somewhat “horrible” I think they are sort of normal…you’ve been thrown into a situation that neither of you were prepared for and it’s 100% permanent…I think you have every right to be terrified.

Post # 9
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Why are you not telling people that he has something wrong with him? This seems like a big part of the problem. Your family will relaise what jerks they are being and should help support you. This inturn will help you and make you feel more able to face this with your partner.

But I will suggest that if you think you cannot do this then the right thing to do is to leave now. It is unfair on him to let him think that you are in this for the long haul when you are not. It is only going to get harder for him and he needs the chance to have the opportunity to find someone who is prepared to support him through sickness and health. 

Post # 10
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 can’t your family understand you can’t just stop loving someone because they’re ill? I think a support group of people in a similar situation is an excellent idea. It’s hard for me at least to even understand how difficult and a strain this is for you x

Post # 11
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your FI are going through. It is genuinely heart breaking. I don’t think you are a bad person. I think everyone would have all of these thoughts go through their mind at some point. It’s not something you were prepared for and you can’t be punishing yourself for going through the emotions the best way you know how. Both your FI and you were definitely handed a devastating blow with all of this. It will take some time to wrap your brain around this, not to mention all the emotions that follow. My FI is going through testing of similar health issues. Although it’s new and we don’t have a lot of info, I can say it’s not as bad for us as what you guys are dealing with, so I can’t say 100% that I know what you are going through…but I know it is scary and an emotional roller coaster. My heart goes out to you both. I know I questioned what I would and wouldn’t be able to handle. But my mind kept going back to what if the tables were turned and I was the one with the disability/health issues. I would be heart broken to get the health news but I think I would be more devastated to think about my FI leaving me because of it. I don’t think anyone should judge you know matter what you decide to do, as this is your journey and no one else is walking in your shoes or know what is truly going on in your heart/mind. this is definitely the biggest challenge I’m sure you guys have ever faced in your relationship and it’s for sure not an easy road. I want to mention though that one day everyone’s bodies will fail them, and it’s who the person truly is on the inside that remains. People’s bodies just fail at different times. But at the same time if you will be miserable and resentful, he will also be miserable. My suggestion is to get counselling… Couple counselling but also counselling for yourself as this is a big burden you have on your shoulders and you will need to vent…and probably want to say things that you wouldn’t warn to say if he was there. Maybe a counsellor can help you work through the emotions to help you know what you want/need to do. A support group is another thing I suggest both for you and for him. He will also need a lot of support – but that doesn’t mean it all has to come from you.The more support from others the better. Maybe postpone the wedding so that you can have time to sort through what you want. Personally I don’t think anyone should look down on you no matter what you choose. I know it’s sometimes easy for people to say in this situation that they would would stay out of love and do certain things without a doubt, but that would probably change if they were actually put in this situation and they are put to the test. You are not an awful person. You are human. No one can say what is right or wrong for you. I wish his family would become more supportive though and be more involved for everyone’s sake. 🙁 

I sincerely wish you guys all the best. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. <3

Post # 12
715 posts
Busy bee

blackopbride:  So sorry to hear that. What treatment are the doctors suggesting? will cortisone/immunsuppressive therapy be of any help? I know it won’t fight the source but at least the symptoms maybe?! I wish you and FI all the best & hope you find some support maybe from doctors/clinics, maybe from supportgroups. (Hugs)

Post # 13
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I was involved many years ago with a man who had Lou Gehrig’s disease.  I was willing to marry him & take it all on but only because of my homebody nature (which I didn’t have in my younger days) & the fact that he had enough income from the military that we could easily afford help.  Once I convinced him I really needed him to let me get help.

It didn’t turn out well.  His “friend”. ambushed me on 2 fronts.  First, he was in love with me himself.  But, more importantly to him, he wanted access to my SO’s money & eventually his life insurance.

He got SO’s family turned against me & they literally took him away from me.  He lived until 2008, in poor conditions as “friend” descended into alcoholism & moved him out to the middle of nowhere.  A truly tragic outcome for a very sweet man who just didn’t/couldn’t find the strength to stick up for himself.  He could have lived out his last years in comfort & happiness with lots of sex but for his “friend” & crazy family.


My story has nothing to do with yours, OP.  I just really needed to tell it.

Post # 14
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Oops, double post.

Post # 15
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry for you both and I hope you can work through these feelings and make that decision before your wedding.  Being a primary caregiver is exhausting, physically and mentally, and is sometimes a thankless job.  It’s easy to feel burnt out.  

When I was in high school, I helped my mom take care of my dad when he was diagnosed with cancer, had to have some surgeries, and was bed ridden for months.  She still had to work and so I took my last high school classes online through the college so that I could be home with him and still graduate.  It’s easy to be overwhelmed taking care of someone who is relying on you for every little thing that most people take for granted they can do themselves.  After my dad passed away, I worked for a company that did home health and, while this is not a well paid or well respected job, I loved getting to take care of others and give their families some relief after knowing how hard it was for my family.  If he can get a good outside caregiver, it will help you both tremendously.

I also also have an autoimmune disease that may require more assistance for me later on.  My fiancé is well aware (and luckily was since we started dating, so he went in with eyes open) that marrying me may mean he has to take on more of the burden if I am unable to do so later.  We hope it doesn’t progress that far, but we’ve had discussions on what it would mean for our income, our future kids, the housework.  I’m lucky to have a man who loves me enough that he is willing to take on anything necessary to take care of us and our family.

That said, I don’t think anyone should have the right to judge you if you made the decision not to marry him.  It would be much worse to marry him and then bail later.  It’s a lot to take on and only you can know whether that is what you want.  But most vows talk about health because that’s not something one can typically help and I believe marriage is all about giving to that person and making the constant choice to love them, even on days you don’t like them.  I would recommend that you talk to someone about your feelings and get some help sorting through them because it is a big commitment.

For the caregiving portion, I would say to remember to let him have as much dignity as possible, especially in personal care, and to make sure that you don’t get lost in the routine -take some time for yourself, find some competent, trusted help, and every once in a while, take a step back in your mind and try to get a fresh perspective.  It’s tedious to take care of someone every day, but if you think about it, you’re doing it because you love them, you can give this gift to them and know that they do appreciate you even if it is not expressed.

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