I don't know how to help my friend :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@O.My.Heart:  Sorry but I didn’t completely read everything. Can your friend stay at your place for a day or so if she needs to get away from him?

My thinking is maybe have a talk with her about several scenarios because a lot of the time people get caught off guard. Like she said she would leave but then he started crying. Does she still leave? Yes/no. What will she do if he threatens suicide or something. It’s good to have plans for these scenarios so she’s not caught like a deer in the headlights.

I agree that he should get help before having another chance but idn how you can convince your friend that. Having known people with abusive family members, it’s always “well they said they’d work on it and it’s been x months since they’ve done anything crazy so I think they changed.” Basically they want to wait until something actually happens again which is very scary :/ good luck and I hope your friend will be okay.

Post # 4
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

@O.My.Heart:  yea sorry to be blunt, but i would be out of there. I understand things get tense, but placing your hands on someones throat is not love. try to help her get out, however this is a very delicate situation. does he seem like the type to subscribe to “if I cant have you no one will” I hate to be a debby downer or give bad energy, but you wouldnt want her to be in the act of leaving or leave and he finds her and things turn a whole lot worse. is there some place she has that he does not know of for her to go? 

 

I agree with the counseling thing, but there is no way she can stay living there. Personally I’d be done for good, but I know love is a tricky thing and people end up staying a lot longer than they anticipate. Be supportive and help her in any way you can, but also be firm and not let her slip back. but at the end of the day, no matter your efforts, the decision for her to leave falls on her. you cant get her out if she is not ready, I just hope it does not end up being too late. 

 

my thoughts are with all 3 of you. 

 

Post # 6
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’m going to keep my thoughts short and sweet – I’m not condoning any sort of violence, but in my experience (my job) as soon as strangling/hands on neck come into it, that is a BIG red flag and she needs to get out of there.

Post # 7
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have been on your friend’s end of it and I would say to you be there for her.  I will also say don’t get overly involved, for your own sake and your own safety.  If he’s putting his hands around her neck she needs to leave him because her life is in serious danger. 

And I know it’s hard for you to hear that because she’s your close friend.  My heart goes out to both of you, this is the worst thing to get emeshed in and extremely difficult to get out of.  One thing to tell her is don’t fight with him or confront him because he is not going to respond like a normal, emotionally healthy man would.  He’s sick and she should realize that.

Post # 8
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

And under no circumstances at all should you talk to him.  That will backfire big time.

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Been there… done that.

Excellent replies from @Sunfire: .

Sadly your friend will ONLY LEAVE when she is ready to go… (just like he will only change if he wants to)

All you can do is be there for her emotionally … and if she needs info, help etc

If it works for you, you can also tell her you’ll be there when she is ready to leave.

Sorry, I don’t have any better news… but it is what they say it is… HARD

In reality it takes the avearage woman 7 times of Questioning her situation / relationship before she FINALLY GOES.

I was in an Abusive Marriage for over 20 years … it took me over 15 years to leave him.

Sorry… I don’t have any better news

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@O.My.Heart:  As someone who has been on the receiving end of domestic violence, she needs to get out of there now. Before he gets a little too excited about having his hands around her neck.

No job is worth her health, well-being, or life. And once he knows he can get away with a little violence, it’s going to escalate quickly.

Post # 12
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I bumped a post on emotional board for you

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