I don't know if he wants to marry me

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Andrea1032:  Hello and welcome to the HIVE!

I hate to be the first to say it Undecided  I think your intuition is right.

i bought up the subject of engagement and he said he doesnt know when he is going to propose because he doesn’t like doing anything he can’t back out of….

UH oh!  If my SO said this, I’d have to leave.

You deserve a man who loves you enough to be CONFIDENT in his decision to be with you.  Men all over the world aren’t getting married because they are afraid of committment.  

Cut your losses and find your Mr. Right.  

Post # 4
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@veryberry13:  +1

What your SO said was flat out messed up – if my FI had said that to me about proposing I’d be like “what the what?”  Not cool.  You deserve better.

Post # 5
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Seriously, that is not OK. I would be reconsidering my relationship with someone who was concerned about being able to “back out” at any time. That isn’t commitment and he clearly isn’t ready to get married..and by the way he’s talking, he may never be.

Post # 6
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

@veryberry13:  +1000

If he’s not confident about love “yet”, he should have not talked about details plans nor told you 100% getting married. Saying that and being able to “back out” is very contradictory, disrectful and showing not only he’s not committing to you but also tricking you. Truthfully, I would run.

Post # 7
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If my SO saw our serious (unmarried) relationship as something he could simply back out of at any time, he wouldn’t be someone I would have wanted to marry.

Post # 8
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Andrea1032:  He makes it sound like marriage is a ploy to corner him for the rest of his life. Ouch.

Post # 9
Member
13021 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would think 6 year is long enough to know.  As my friend put it when I was in the same position with my ex of just about 6 years… shit or get off the pot.  Talk is cheap, unles theres a REAL reason to wait, school, age, (legit) money reason… especially with what he said, I’d be done.

Post # 10
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Andrea1032:  i would think after 6 years he would be confident enough to know what he wanted.  how old is your bf?

Post # 11
Member
7265 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

What he said would really hurt my feelings. I think that at 6 years, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. He sounds like your typical commitmentaphobe. I’d be looking towards the exit.

Post # 12
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ow — that stings! At least you learned a few things:

1) Divorce doesn’t seem like something he considers much of an option (as that could be construed as “backing out).

2) Neither does marriage.

After 6 years and knowing this, are you prepared to keep waiting that one day he might change his mind?

Post # 13
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@Andrea1032:  I agree with PPs. After 6 years, he should have some idea of whether he’d want to spend his life with you or not. I wouldn’t wait around for him, I’d find someone who was confident enough to be the man that you need. Sorry. :/

Post # 14
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Andrea1032:  

You can ask us and we can all take a guess, but there’s really only one way to find out. You’ll have to ask him.

There are guys who will date you for six years and drag their feet on proposing because they’ve gotten comfy and are enjoying the benefits of marriage (sex, companionship) without having to make it legal. **Note: this happens when the female allows it and does not put her foot down!

 Then there are guys who will date you for six years and not propose because “they’re just not that into you” so to speak.

 Unlike PPs I don’t think it’s that big of a deal that he said “he doesn’t like doing anything he can’t back out of.” I see that as a sign that he understands the seriousness of the commitment and that it’s not something to be taken lightly. 

 Given that you’ve been together six years, and it’s safe to assume that he has gotten verrrry comfortable and secure  in the relationship, I think he needs a good kick in the pants. I know this might sound scary, but you need to work up your courage and have a serious discussion with him. You don’t tell HIM what to do. You tell him what YOU WANT TO DO.

 Here is what you say:

  • I love you with all of my heart and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.

  • However, I’ve been thinking over what you said about “not being sure when you will propose because you don’t want to do anything you can’t back out of.”

  • I respect your feelings, but it is my goal in life to have a happy marriage, and after six years in this relationship I don’t feel I can wait anymore for a “maybe.”

  • I think it would be in MY BEST INTEREST to move out/break up with you so that I can move forward with MY LIFE and pursue my goals.

  • I thank you for six wonderful years and I wish you the best.

And then my dear, you pack your bags and get ready to walk out the door. If he hems and haws and says “No wait, I really am going to propose in XXX weeks or XXX months or XXX years from now,” you keep walking. You put some big space between him and you, and you don’t assume that he’s going to change his mind and make a commitment or set the date. You join clubs, go out with friends, and re-invent your life without him. You make it loud and clear that until there is a ring on your finger and a date set, everything else is just conversation.

 If this guy really loves you — if you two were really meant to be — he won’t let you walk out the door. He will take you to the nearest jewelry store and get this settled — even if all he can afford is a $10 Cracker Jack ring — and you will have your answer. (And by the way if he EVER so much as suggests that you pressured him or forced him to propose to you, take that ring off your finger and hand it right back to him.)

 If he lets you walk out the door without stopping you, then he never really loved you enough in the first place. And if that is the case, wouldn’t it be much better for you to be looking for a new relationship than staying in one that is a dead end? 

 If you two had only been together for a short period, my advice would be different. But six years, come on. 

Post # 15
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Yikes. I have agree with all of the above commenters. That is a MAJOR red flag.

I have also been dating my SO for 6 years (though without any of the wedding planning you said you’ve done) and if he said that, I would be very hurt, offended at his lack of respect and seriously reconsider our relationship. Most men enjoy a long-relationship like yours with the understanding they will eventually commit; it sounds like your SO believes he deserves to have his cake and eat it to, ie, get what he wants (a great relationship) without giving you what you want (an emotional and legal commitment of marriage). Plus, any man who truly wants to be with you forever should be happy to propose and ensure they don’t lose you.

From what you’ve told us, it sounds like he sees an engagement to you as punishment and not a blessing. I would bring it up and tell him how hurt you were by his comment – maybe he said something he didn’t mean and can better express himself. If he stands by his comment or defends it, then trust your intuition on this one. He could be a great guy and love you very much, but if he won’t give the commitment you want (and deserve!) you probably know you’ll never be fully happy.

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