- 8 years ago
hi hive, this is going to be long and rambly …
i’m feeling especially down tonight and this is something i’ve always wanted to talk about but never felt that i could go to my friends about. i guess the title says it all. i feel like i’m toeing the line between being healthy and having an eating disorder.
i dont have the “classic” or common disorders like anorexia or bulimia, but i just have an obsession with food, calories, my body, exercise, and constantly feeling guilty and ugly. i feel like i can’t talk to my friends about this because technically, i’m not fat. i’m 4’11 (yes i am SHORT) and i weigh 96 lbs. but i feel thick, i have a huge belly pooch/muffin top, and i see girls my age in bikinis on facebook, with flat bellies and abs. i get so down on myself. i hate the way i look, i feel ugly, fat, everything.
i constantly worry about what i’ll look like tomorrow, next week, if i eat ____. the blank could be anything from a cookie, to ONE skittle, to.. adding a bit of salt on my hard boiled egg. i know it sounds crazy, but it’s how i feel. i feel like i need to count and record every tiny calorie i eat to make sure i don’t go “over” my self imposed limit of about 800 calories in a day. i justify it by saying, i am a small person, my bmr is low, i don’t need a lot of calories. since this summer started, ive been eating as “healthy” as i can, whatever i consider healthy, which is becoming more and more skewed. breakfast is a yogurt cup. lunch is one slice of wheat bread with pb. dinner is half a chicken breast, baked, with mustard. i am obsessed with thinking about staying “clean” for the day. i am constantly monitoring how hungry i am (its not even “am i hungry or not” its “how hungry am i – starving? or just a little hungry?”) and it consumes so much of my day. when i walk down the halls at work, i sneak off into alcoves, lift up my shirt, and look down at my big belly, protruding out like i’m pregnant.
i have to exercise 2-3x a day or else i feel guilty. and when i get too tired to do it for a day, i just sit there depressed, down on myself. when i sit at my desk at work, all i think about is feeling how i can feel my belly spilling over the waistband, looking like a bloated balloon. i sneak into the bathroom constantly, lifting my shirt to see how big my belly is – after i eat? after i pee? after i walk around for 10 minutes?
i don’t feel like i have the “right” to talk to a medical professional about this, because i dont have anorexia – i know i am considered “skinny” but i have trouble areas, like my chubby belly. i see the girls on facebook, my peers, the media, girls are so thin and beautiful. i don’t binge/purge. eating, food, calories, exercise, and my fat belly is all that my day consists of. i wake up thinking about how i should get right to exercising. on weekends, i think great! i can fit in some extra calories burned today! i feel like it’s getting out of hand, and i’m constantly tired, depressed, and locked into this cycle.
i’ve been the same weight for a while, but what spurred this sudden obsession and self-loathing (physically) is – get this – my boyfriend called me fat. fine, he didnt come outright and say that. but over the month leading up to summer, he would (what felt like) constantly poking my belly because he knew i was sensitive about it, joking about how i had a belly now, that my face was a little chubbier. tease me in a lighthearted way about my weight. but now, its so warped in my mind that i feel like i have to be skinny, or else i’m not good enough (he’s very in shape). i have to be as skinny/in shape as he is, i have to at least look like my peers in college! i’m scared if i go one day without dieting or exercising, a day/week later i’ll get fat, and one day, i’ll reach the point where i’m fat enough that he won’t love me anymore. i talked to him about the teasing, and he apologized and said he would stop. but the damage has already been done, i feel like i need to be as skinnier to be loved. and now i’m miserable every day because i feel fat, and i’m always hungry and food-deprived. when i bring it up with him now, he says he would still like me if i “stayed this chubby”. but then what? what if i get really really fat? whats the tipping point?? i’m scared to wake up and look in the mirror every morning, because i might be larger than i was yesterday
i don’t know what i’m looking for here, really. i just needed to get that out. and if i say tht to friends here they just go “you’re so skinny!”. but i am not as in shape as i could be. and i dont feel skinny, i feel like my belly is so huge and i am so ugly.
🙁 thanks for listening