I don't know if I want children- Sorry Long

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like you aren’t ready.

Live your life and enjoy what you have now. Don’t let other people bother you when they ask when you are starting a family. Just tell them you’ll start when you are ready. 

You seem like you are stressing out too much over something you really don’t wnat right now or aren’t ready for yet. 

Relax and take some time for just you and your new husband.  You’ll know when the time is right

Post # 4
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@anonivk:  If you don’t really want to be a parent I don’t think you should force yourself to do it. You may want to talk to your husband and find out if he is willing to be childfree.

Post # 5
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@VikingPrincess:  +1

@anonivk:  If the thought of parenthood and kids scare you this much now, you may end up resenting everyone if you feel forced into having kids. I’m kind of in your shoes b/c I honestly don’t think kids are realistic for DH and me, and I don’t want to sacrifice myself for kids. Also, I am 30, so I figured that I should have a clue by now, no?

Also, I hear you re: pets. I feel that I have way more love and passion for my kitty, but then again, he’s not as demanding as a child nor did he destroy my body. Our couches? Another story. 😉

All in all, I think the question that you may want to ask the Board is if there were any Bees who still were unsure/did not want kids at 30 then changed their minds into mid-30s or sooner.

Post # 6
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Don’t do it to please everyone else. Do it when it feels right for you.

I will say this much, every mother is different!! And that’s how it should be. Because every person is different. I have a step daughter and was panicing because I am so NOT the homemaker soccer mom type. Just NOT.

It has been a year and a half since since we have all (FI, step daughter, and I) have been living together, and I feel very much like a “mom,” but I am still not the over “cooing” soccer mom homemaker type at all. And I have come to realize that that is a GOOD thing. I still need to be myself!

Don’t panic about needing to fit into a mold. Your child will come first, and while that sounds freaky now, when the time comes it will be the best feeling. And you will become your own version of the “perfect mom.”

Post # 7
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I really wish society would stop telling women they HAVE to be mothers. You shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting kids; it’s not an obligation. However, it does sound like something that you should really talk to your husband about because it sounds as though he doesn’t know that you’re feeling this way if you bought a house specifically to grow your family. Would he be willing to stay home with the kids if you had them? Would you be expected to drop your whole life and career to be a mom? Would he be satisfied with not being a dad? Do you think you could ever be satisfied with being a mom if some kind of arrangement was made where you could keep your career? There’s a lot to talk to him about.

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@anonivk:  

You need to have an honest discussion with your husband about how you’re feeling.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be child free except it sounds like your husband absolutely wants kids.  If he is adament about having kids and you’re unsure, some counseling may be a good idea to find out if you’re just scared of what life will be like with kids, or if you’re someone who would rather not be a parent.  If you find out you’re in the latter category then it may mean your relationship with your husband isn’t going to work out.  The sooner you know the better.  Don’t have kids thinking everything will just work out.  If it doesn’t, then you still have a child you’re responsible for and it’s not healthy to grow up with a mother that didn’t want you.

I will say that as an only child married to my husband who is also an only child, having one child doesn’t really change your lifestyle all that much.  Our parents till traveled, with and without us.  Grandparents were always available to watch us since there was only one kid to deal with.  Our parents had regular date nights and private time.

*Make sure you’re super safe with your birth control method until you figure things out.*

Post # 11
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@beachbride1216:  I very much agree with this.

You have to talk to your DH about this, now.  To leave that door open when it is possibly closed is not fair to him.  Counciling is the best way to do it, and can give a safe environment to have that talk in. 

Post # 12
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@anonivk:  I can’t say what is right or wrong for you, but I can give you some perspective from a kid that wasn’t really wanted by her parents (they had me to stay in the country).  My relationship with my parents is pretty much non existent, I don’t trust them, I don’t really love them, I don’t respect them and I won’t be sad when they die (already happened with my dad).  My parents always saw me as a nuissance, and I was always getting in the way of their freedom (i.e. my mom left me alone in the mall at age 7 so she could go shop freely).  I have no doubt that my parents resented me for “taking away” their freedoms, and it definitely showed in their parenting. 

Post # 13
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@anonivk:  Agree with all PPs that say you must discuss this with your husband.  And that you shouldn’t feel pressured, but I understand the issue and that the pressure probably will not go away in your situation.  Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

For most of my life i didn’t want kids. In fact, DH and i almost split up because he has always wanted kids (and not just kids, he told me if it were up to him we’d have FIVE).

As i got older, and fell in love with my husband i did come around to the idea, and now i have insane baby rabies.

I’m not saying you will or should change your mind. In fact, i think it should be the opposite: you need to wait until you are 500 per cent ready. Kids are a LOT of work, and will change your life in a million ways. If you aren’t ready for that now (or ever), wait until you are.

I agree you need to discuss this with your husband to see how he feels. Is he ok waiting? And is he ok with the possibility you might never be ready?

Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do…it’s commendablle to be honest, especially when you’re opinion isn’t the “norm”.

Post # 15
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think this definitely needs to be addressed with your husband–and probably a mediator (like a counselor/therapist).

You could change your mind in the next 10 years. Or maybe you won’t! Maybe you’d be okay with adopting an older child? Or fostering an older child?

There’s a LOT of room for discussion.

The only thing I would NOT do is have a kid you don’t want to make everyone else happy.

Post # 16
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @anonivk:  You sound undecided to me… you may or may not want kids… IMO this is not unusual, pretty much how I felt in my early 20s as a Newlywed some 30+ years ago.

Give it some time… your views may change… for now just enjoy being a Newlywed.

About to turn 30 and just married you are already adjusting to change… so I am not sure WHY you feel you need to make this decision NOW (altho I would have hoped that you might have had this convo with your Hubby BEFORE you married him, because YES it can be a dealbreaker for a couple.  Kids for some people are just that IMPORTANT)

Just married a few months… I wouldn’t worry about it so much.  Enjoy being newlyweds for a bit… you may very well be more in a Mommy mood in a year or 3.  I’d just say that you probably want to plan the first one before you are 34… and that is just based on my own experiences.

As other Bees have said, the main thing is that you communicate with your Hubby how you are feeling.

Having kids is a BIG DEAL (as was getting Married).  So you don’t have to “get there” all at once… just let him know you just are uncertain RIGHT THIS MINUTE… and that things could change a little further down the road as time goes on.

Hope this helps,

 

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