Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years now and are talking about getting engaged soon. I love him and I know I want to marry him, but his family… not so much. I really get the feeling that for whatever reason they just don’t like me. His mom doesn’t even really bother to start a conversation with me and is somewhat overbearing and so is his grandma (his mom’s mom). Before his grandma had even met me she told him that her psychic friend told her that I’m going to dump him when I go away to grad school (wth, right?!?). I’m sure they know were going to get engaged soon because were going to move in together (& to another state so that I can attend grad school) in a couple of months and yet they’re still cold towards me. Another thing that’s bothering me is that they exclude me from certain family events even though he is always welcome to anything my family does. For example, on this past mother’s day they had a dinner which I was not invited to. The boyfriend said that the reason was something about them wanting a specific table in the place they were going to and so they didn’t want to have more than a certain amount of people. So fine I let it go. But now they’re having another dinner and again I’m not invited. I feel it’s pretty rude considering the length of time we’ve been together and the fact that were moving away together… they could at least put some effort into spending time with us before we leave.
When I told my boyfriend about my concerns his solution is: we don’t have to see them that much after we move in together and after were married. This is true for the moving in together part since we’ll be in another state. They’ll maybe visit every 2-3 months. But as far as after were married (and after we move back home)… I doubt it. His family has so many get-togethers it would be impossible to not see them and I think it’s childish to avoid them or cut them out of our lives.
So… what should I do? Just wondering what everyone’s opinion is (especially if you are/was in this situation). My friends who are in longterm relationships don’t have this problem because their boyfriend’s / finace’s families are always welcoming towards them. Lucky them…
Post # 3
I guess my question is why doesn’t your boyfriend stick up for you and insist you come with him to family events?
Post # 4
Totally agree… he should let his family know where you stand with him- number 1, and that they need to get used to it and start treating you as family- not an outsider.
Post # 5
Why is he tolerating his family’s treatment of you? That’s the red flag here.
Families are going to act this way sometimes, but he shouldn’t be accepting it.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
I’m in a same sex relationship, and my FI’s parents probably won’t come to our wedding because they think we’re sinning. Bottom line is tell your boyfriend to stand up to them for you and your relationship. If you’re not invited to things, he doesn’t go. Have him talk with them about it, and if they are still being childish, well, you two are a team and they don’t get to see their son/grandson. It’s sad to have to marry into a family that is full of people who think nothing beyond themselves, but sometimes you have to be the better person & handle it maturely even though you want to tell them to go @#$% themselves.
Post # 7
Oh, do I know what you are talking about. My family always invites him to things… and you know what – my FI is so much more “himself” when he is with my family rather than with his. You might be born into a family, but that doesn’t mean you mesh well with them. Look at the fact that he is moving to another state with YOU and he is fine with leaving his family behind… he enjoys his time with you. You can’t change his family and please don’t be offended when I say this and I don’t really want to speak for him– but maybe he doesn’t fight/rock the boat/start a never ending battle with his family because he knows he has you, your family and now he is starting a life with you. Most men don’t have many words, or say the right things in details as we women want to hear it — but his actions speak louder than words — he’s moving for you!
Post # 9
@loves.pink: I was you a few years ago. Your boyfriend needs to stand up to his parents period. His behavior is unacceptable.
As for not wanting to marry into the family- this is entirely up to you. I have had serious issues with my in laws that will never go away. Do I regret marrying into the family? Yes and no.
The hard reality of it is I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone and if I had a re-do I would have bowed out of the relationship early on. I feel awful saying that.
Post # 10
@maureen9004: I know where you are coming from, I understand the hurt all too well. I’m thinking for the OP — they are moving states away from the future in laws — I would think that would really help the situation.
ETA: I just have to add to this whole conversation that it is impossible to fix a family. If they don’t want to change, they are not going to. Sad, but very true. If the OP wants to keep her love, moving away I guess is what will maybe help the situation. Her SO can stick up for her all he wants — but the parents do not have to change, the parents do not see any reason to.
Post # 11
thanks everyone for all your posts…
RR: it’s pretty much like you’ve said. even when my bf sticks up for me it doesn’t make much of a difference. the family still acts how they want to and doesn’t change. his mom (and grandma) enable him and his siblings to live off of them and thus aren’t letting them (his siblings & him) grow up. he has even said that he likes my family better and it really shows because whenever his mom is home he doesn’t want to be there but when my family is home he doesn’t mind hanging out here.
not to be mean, and this is just my point of view so i could be wrong… but i suspect that a big part of it is that he’s becoming more independent and they don’t like it because they don’t get to control what he does as much anymore. and when we move they won’t get to control him at all.
Post # 12
@loves.pink: I had a lot of issues with my fiances family. They were drug addicts, rude, and very protective of him in such a way that it was almost over the line. They would not invite me to family gatherings, try and set him up with other women etc. It got pretty bad and at first he didn’t know what to do so he never really said anything about it but after telling him that if it didn’t change that it would not work out because I didn’t want to be in a relationship where someone doesn’t stick up for me, he did change but they did not. Basically it ended with us no longer speaking to his family and it has been for about 2 years. In the end if your fiance tries to defend you now or even before and they are still acting immature, there isn’t much you can do. Please however, don’t choose to not marry your fiance just because of the way his family acts. FMIL and FFIN’s can get extrememly difficult at times and I’ve always stuck to, if the man I’m marrying makes me happy, thats all I need. I’m not “marrying” his family, I’m marrying him.
Post # 13
I agree with other posters that your bf should have stuck up for you. But I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and I know how you feel. I’ve been with my DH for 4+ years and I have no desire to have a relationship with any of his family members. You marry the man, not his mother, sister, etc…no matter what anybody says.
Post # 14
God, I wish I wasn’t invited to FFIL events. I sit there for 5 hours and am totally ignored. What I wouldn’t give to not be invited. So they hate me and I hate them, we don’t have to get along. Just as long as FI stands up for you.
Post # 15
@Mrs.Firefly1: Thanks 🙂 We actually moved several states away, and while it helped our relationship a great deal.. whenever the IL’s come up I can’t help but relive the emotions.My IL’s are on their way for their first visit now and while I’m a very cool person, having them come down brings up a lot of baggage for both my husband and I (our issues run deeper than dislike- fraud and personality disorders play into it).
Post # 16
@loves.pink: I have no words of wisdom, but I just had to say, that every single word you wrote in this particular reply is seriously how my SO’s family is with him/us. Right when we started dating his mom had him by the balls, had a joint bank account with him (at age 20), wouldn’t let him have his checkbook or tell him how much money he had in savings, wouldn’t let him make his own appointments, never made him think for himself basically. Three years later and he’s much more independent, largely due to me being so stubbornly independent and constantly getting frustrated at how he couldn’t schedule his own appointments, or write me a check when he owed me money for something (after he did get his checkbook from his mom, I had to teach him how to write a check. At age 22.), or know how much was in his savings so he could save for the future. I had to tell him that his dependence was really a dealbreaker, and that there was not room for three in this relationship. The more he pulled away from his parents the less they (particularly his mom) seemed to like me.
When we told his parents we were moving in together his mom caused such a shitstorm. Oh, sorry you’re an empty-nester and your 23-year-old son is out on his own living his own life! How could I ever TAKE YOUR BABY AWAY FROM YOU :O :O :O
He (as well as me) is so tense around his family because they’re the kind of people who think there are certain things that “just aren’t talked about” and they’re all about etiquette and they’re huge WASPs to boot (i.e. NO EMOTION EVER). My family is loud obnoxious anything-goes Italians — hide our feelings in the name of etiquette? NEVER! And SO LOVES spending time with my family and he’s actually *himself* around them. Unfortunately his family all live within an hour of us and my family are all spread out across the US so the only time we really see them is Christmas, if we’re lucky. Other than that it’s SO’s family all the time!
Ugh. No matter how much he stands up to them, they don’t listen. And honestly, I have had the same thought as you…do I really want to marry into this? Ultimately I decided I didn’t care…but I’m still scared of what the future might hold in this department haha.
So…I totally just hijacked your post haha…but just know that I totally sympathize with you.