Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2012 - My parents' back yard
I just want to know if anyone else can relate to these feelings or thoughts.
I got married two years ago. My husband is my favourite person in the world. We’ve spent the last 9 years together traveling and last year we bought a house and got a dog. It’s been nice settling down. We’re both teachers so we enjoy the same breaks.
I’ve been on the pill this whole time. We agreed that I would stay on the pill until I had been at work long enough to secure Maternity leave and then we’d “pull the goalie”.
It has just come to the time when I can come off the pill, and I’m having a lot of doubts.
1. I’m afraid that I’m not cut out to be a Mom. That I wouldn’t be good at it and that I’d be unhappy. I never got that “switch”, that maternal instinct. A few of my friends have babies and I don’t get interested in holding them. In fact it makes me nervous. Is this normal?
2. I love my life and I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the huge change.
3. My husband is a big concern. Not about the parenting itself. He would be a fantastic father. He’s involved in quite a few music projects and he writes music. He plays basketball, he loves to travel and read. One of my greatest fears is that having a child will trap him.
Neither of us have ever been 100% sure about having kids. Our approach has been to leave it to fate, and be happy if we have a baby and accept it if it doen’t happen. We know we would like having a family but we are also very happy just being together. My 34th birthday is tomorrow and I have PCOS so I know I don’t have a lot of time.
Can anyone relate to these feelings? Any help or feedback would be so much appreciated. I feel overwhelmed by the decision and I tend to overanalyse everything.
Post # 2
Bunnyang: The feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL. Even when we were TTC I still had doubts. Shoot, I’m almost 10 weeks pregnant and still scared. It’s normal to be hesitant. That doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad parent. Like you, I’m in my 30s and have gotten used to being somewhat selfish. I like my sleeping in, impromptu dinners, working out whenever I want. Yes, it’ll change, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It just becomes the new normal.
I’m not saying have a baby. I’m just saying thoughts like yours are normal.
Post # 3
OK, first off, I think your fears and concerns are all totally valid.
Secondly, in reading your post you never touch on anything about why you WOULD like to have a baby, other than (from what I’m reading) the fact that you think you “should”/don’t have a lot of time. To me, neither of those are valid reasons to have a child.
That being said, I don’t think anyone ever feels 100% “ready”. We’re TTC, and inevitably every month I convince myself I’m pregnant, and once the excitement wears off, it’s replaced with overwhelming terror.
I don’t think there is any way I, or anyone else here can decide this for you, or tell you the right thing to do…I do think you need to sit down and talk about this thoroughly with your husband. Particularly your concerns he’ll feel trapped….that is a big concern.
Post # 4
I’m not the most cuddly wuddly with my friends/family members babies and neither is DH but we both know we want a few. We just relocated back to our home state to be closer to our families. We love to travel and have hobbies, and kids would have been more difficult if we were alone. We’re very close to our parents and even started househunting in the neighborhood they live in so when the time comes, we could have family support for when we want to do “couple things” without feeling like we can’t because we have kids now. Don’t know if that’s a possibility for you, but moving back was a huge way to overcome those future kid fears knowing we have family support.
Post # 5
Bunnyang: Like the PP said your feelings are totally normal. I am also a older parent. I had my child at the age of 37. Shoot, he is now 3 years old and I still have those feelings. Parenting is hard work. I would sit down with your DH and have a long talk about if babies are in the future or not.
Post # 6
How would you feel if you never tried to have children?
Post # 7
Your feelings are normal. I am terrified to be a mother. I love our life right now and i know once we have a kid we can never go back to this. And that is scary.
But, DH and i always knew having a baby was what we wanted. We talk about “Wyatt” (thats the name we chose for a boy) like he is almost here already. We talk about his first birthday and are talking about planning a trip before we offically settle right now. We have been trying for 9 months and every month it doesn’t work we get more determined that its what we want.
I dont think you should feel pressured into having kids. Some people aren’t meant to and thats perfectly fine. They are usually the cool aunts and uncles lol. So have a serious discussion about what you want in life.
Post # 8
Totally normal thoughts and feelings. We’re pulling the goalie in a week and I bounce between excitement and terror! All you can do is sit down and talk to your husband about this. Talk about pros and cons and see where things fall out. Also, I think it’s okay to leave it up to fate, if that’s what you guys choose to do. I truly think that I could be happy with my life with or without a kid, and it sounds like you guys are that way as well. There are pros and cons of both sides. Just make a concious decision (kids vs no kids vs leave it to fate), so that you don’t regret falling into things one way or the other.
Post # 9
I used to always think that I wanted to have kids and would be an excellent mother. And then finding the right partner took me out of my 20’s, and I quashed that wanting a baby feeling to just stay with it and not yearn for a life I couldn’t have.
Well, married the man of my dreams and now we’re pregant and I realize that I’m not the one rushing over to see my friends babies, I rarely offer to hold them, and I’m generally awkward around babies and kids. I have the major fear that I’m going to be a mother who doesn’t love being a mother and that I’m going to have to “try” to be the loving person my child needs.
And at the same time, in the back of my mind, I know that I’ll be the mother my child needs.
Post # 10
That all sounds totally normal. I never wanted to hold babies or cared that much about them lol, I was always too nervous to hold them. But I love my baby! And a few select friends’ babies…but I never had baby fever or a desire to hold babies.
Definitely talk it out, but all those feelings sound normal to me.
Post # 12
I think you and your husband need to really soul search. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I think too many times people have children with out really thinking about it because “that’s just what you do after you get married.”
Post # 13
Bunnyang: It sounds like you are content with your lives the way they are. I think the question is do you really want to change that?
Just because having babies is the next step for a lot of people doesnt mean it is the next step for EVERYONE. And while it is natural to feel afraid or nervous it doesnt sound like you really want kids.
If your hubby loves to travel and have his free time then a kid is going to kill that. Or it will make him resentful because he will have to give it up. If writing music is a big part of who he is and you take that away from him, it won’t be pretty, trust me. As someone who is artistic as well, I couldn’t imagine being trapped by a baby and not working on my craft. It would feel as if a part of me is dead.
I think you need to ask yourself, do you really want to have kids? Because from your post I would say you are content with your lives as is, and that is okay.
Post # 14
Your fears and concerns are totally normal, but like a PP pointed out, you never really gave a good reason for wanting children. It’s ok to not want kids. It’s ok to want to travel, just have it be you and your husband, there is nothing wrong with that. I would sit down with your husband, make a pros and cons list, and get to the heart of your concerns. If the time passes, there is always adoption, so you can have kids some day if you choose to not have them soon.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It’s okay to not really want kids. I had DS at 18, and am a good parent to him. But I didn’t want to be a parent at that time. I didn’t have that, “OMG, I want kids!!!!!!!!” feeling until I was 33. The urge hit like a lightening bolt and hasn’t let up since. You can be a good, loving parent without having that overwhelming desire and certainty of wanting a child. But you’re not 17 and without a choice in the matter. You are in your 30s, and have the simultaneous luxury and responsibility of choice in this matter. Take time really thinking about your options before proceeding in any direction. You won’t go wrong with your decision as long as you stay true to yourselves.
Also, you should read this http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/ and the many threads and essays devoted to the subject here http://apracticalwedding.com/category/marriage-and-more/. If anything, maybe they will help you see how common your internal struggles with this issue are. You are not alone in this.