(Closed) I don't know what to do!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

@mibagu:  How long have you been married and how old are the two of you?? I’d say to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling doesn’t mean you’re trying to keep the relationship together but it’s about figuring out the next step. Sometimes you need help figuring out how to stay to together and even how to leave each other in the most healthy way possible. In the meantime. Try to communicate, with him and anyone that you can confide in. Keeping it inside will only fuel your anger and resentment.

Post # 4
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

t’s pretty naive to think things would change once you got married.  You really should have worked these issues out and given him time to prove he had changed BEFORE you married him.  Not sure what kind of advice you are looking for you only have 2 options – stay married and work through your issues together (I’d recommend counseling) or get divorced.  

Post # 5
Member
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would not stay married to a man who would go out while I had a miscarriage.  There’s no hope for a relationship like that.

Post # 6
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@MrsWBS:  It’s pretty naive to think things would change once you got married. +1!

OP I think you know you need to leave, you’re only wasting time if you think he’ll continue to make an effort to improve things.  It may be a big mistake but you can move on from this.

Post # 7
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@PinkPanda:  +1, bottling it up so it festers as a mental illness is never healthy. 

Definitely try some couples’ counseling.  When I first started dating my FI, he was a habitual liar (i.e. when something cost $5 he’d say it was $4).  Eventually, after speaking to someone, I realized this had more to do with his self-esteem and wanting to be accepted.  I don’t know if this is the case with your FI, but sometimes these habits stem from things you wouldn’t think of.  That was 3 years ago, now that my FI feels secure with me, he hasn’t had the need to lie.  It took years to build up that trust, but you have to start somewhere.

Post # 9
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sweetie, you shouldn’t have married him. This will not get better and people do NOT change. Make a decision now about how you want to live the rest of your life. 

Post # 11
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mibagu:  Then I think you have your answer.  So sorry you’re going through this.  *HUGS*

Post # 12
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well if someone is used to being a habitual liar, it takes a long time for them to grow out of those habits. It’s not like turning on a light switch. It’s habit-building and personal development.

Only you can decide if it’s best to stay or to leave, but if you stay, more counselling may be a good decision, especially since you said it was helpful before. More importantly, you have to set your expectations accordingly. A person who marries a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, or gambling addict would be well-advised to prepare themselves for their partner’s eventual relapse, as it takes years for folks with these disorders to build the skills and willpower to quit forever, and some never do; habitual lying is the same way.

Post # 14
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mibagu:  It must be very hard to come to terms with the fact your marriage may be ending after 1 month.  My friend went through something similar – she stayed for over a year even though things went horribly downhill shortly after marriage.  She almost had her life taken from her as a result.  The shame and embarassment will fade and despite what you think people might say/think, they’ll be very supportive.  If you’re not happy just leave.  Honestly, since you’ve tried counseling already and it hasn’t worked, it may be time to cut your losses and move on – You’re physical and mental health are more important than the short-term feeling of embarassment. 

Post # 15
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@mibagu:  The way I see it is you need to get counseling as a first step… or get divorced. Keep in mind that people only change if they want to.

I would hold off on having a kid until you decide one way or another.

*hugs*

 

Post # 16
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this but I am really glad you brought it up because I am going through the same thing.

I fully understand how lost and confused you feel.  You love him and you would like to believe that things will get better but are you willing to bet your life on it?

Think to yourself: Do you believe that things can get better?  Do you want things to get better? Do you want to work things out? 

Imagine yourself 10 years down the road if you stay on this life path and things haven’t changed: Will you be happy?  Will you have kids? How do you think your feelings towards him now will effect your kids?

Finally sit back and close your eyes.  Clear your mind.  Now think what do YOU want?  Try not to think about your issues with your husband.  Just think, what do you want in life? – Do you want to go on vacations on a regular basis, what traits do you want in your husband, what do YOU want to accomplish in life? Now, does your husband fit into that?

Only you can decide what you want in life and what would be the best choice for you.  My advise to you would to make sure that your life is well thought out.  Don’t make and fast decisions.  If leaving your husband would be the best choice for you then that is what you have to do. 

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