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I am so sorry about what your FI and you are going through. I am glad his dad is on the mend though.
What does your FI say about the situation. I think that what he wants to do would be the deciding factor.
I would feel horrible completely cancelling everything that you have now since people have booked flights, hotels, etc. I would wait until it gets closer and if he isn't well enough to go, maybe have a small ceremony there and then Skype him into the big enchilada wedding?
Your FMIL is obviously emotional and thinking of what would be the best for her and FFIL only. Unfortunately, you still need to consider the feelings of everyone else.
My vote would be for the small intimate ceremony with your FILs, and the vow exchange with all your friends/family with the big show ceremony. That is the best compromise. I think you should give your FMIL two options to choose from. One, you can skype them into the big wedding. Two, you can do what was mentioned above. Explain to her that there are a LOT of people to consider in this situation, and that you've already paid for everything anyway, so adding a second super expensive ceremony would be impractical, as no one will be attending that one even if you DID move your wedding.
I'm sorry your FFIL isn't doing well, but I'll cross my fingers that he gets better in time to be able to fly out!
I think that cancelling/moving at this point is really really unfair to the guests who have already booked flight/hotels/taken vacation to come to your wedding.
If you cancel/move at this point, those people could lose their money for the flights, hotel deposits etc.
I think you should wait and see, and I think a good solution would be to do the wedding as planned and skype to the FIL's ...
I'm so sorry, Cliffette.
I agree with the other ladies that you should wait and see what happens, since you have a couple of weeks before you need to make a decision. If it turns out that FFIL can't make it, how about a small ceremony/party in his hometown a week or so before, then continue on with your original plans the following week? I know it's not ideal, but that way hopefully both your families could make it to at least one ceremony/reception. I'm sure your in-laws would understand that planning for (and paying for) a last-minute full-blown wedding in their town would be very difficult and unfair to your family and friends who've already made travel plans. However, you can replicate some of the main features of a wedding reasonably cheaply, and give both families the experience of being there. Do you know anyone in their town with a big backyard? You can dress up, buy some flowers, hang up Christmas tree lights, get some food from Costco, and play music on a stereo. I know it seems a bit odd to have 2 weddings, but it might help everyone feel included. We wound up doing this because my dad got very sick right before our wedding and couldn't travel. My parents really appreciated seeing us get married, and we had a last-minute backyard reception. Then we repeated the ceremony 2 days later in our originally-scheduled location in front of friends and my husband's family (who hadn't been able to come to the last-minute first wedding) and had the originally-scheduled (and already paid for) reception. We called it a two-day vow renewal (since we were legally married the first time around), but no one seemed to care since we went through the whole ceremony both times.
Anyway, I really hope your FFIL makes a very speedy recovery. But if he can't travel in the next month, it's nice to have some options.
I'm so sorry!
But, why not have a small private ceremony with his father, and still have the big wedding? I really don't see any need to cancel anything. You can still do the legal ceremony with his father there, and not cancel the bigger wedding (losing all that money, and ruining people's travel plans).
If you can't have the small, private ceremony he can always be there via web connection. If anyone in your family has a laptop he can have his own seat and watch it live. It may not be the same but it is an alternative to cancelling the venues.
I think that the compromise you suggested sounds like a really good one, despite what your FMIL is pressuring you for! It would be insane chaos to find all new vendors in a two week time span in a new town, and I can't even imagine the cost, plus, as you said, the inconvenience to your guests, some of whom may have already made travel plans.
I say stick with your guns, get married there in a simple ceremony, and then exchange vows and celebrate at your originally planned ceremony.
Why don't you do double ceremonies? One in your hometown for his folks, and the one you've already planned?
Thank you for your replies and well wishes for fFIL... please keep them coming if anyone has more to add.
WeeBirdy, I especially appreciate your response. From the sounds of it, you achieved a beautiful compromise.
Yes, I would love to have a small, impromptu ceremony in someone's backyard, with fFIL and fMIL both there to celebrate it, then the 'vow renewal' a few days after in our original venue. It just seems more meaningful and a great compromise.
fMIL is opposed to this because this would mean they would 'miss out' on a big shebang ceremony.
Basically, according to her we would either need to have two big ceremonies (one there and one here), or cancel our originally planned one (so they don't feel they miss out). Logically, I know she's just emotional at the moment and I understand she is trying to protect her husband's best interests, but emotionally--I am just angry with her for being so self-focused... so it's a struggle.
We did think of the skype option too--I think fFIL and fMIL are such wedding freaks (I mean that in a nice way!) that they wouldn't feel satisfied with that option. They would seriously spend the whole time crying with sorrow that they couldn't be there. And that would be incredibly not fair to FI either, to have him miss out on having his parents there.
But I do think the best thing to do is wait and see. It's just that waiting is hard, and the feeling of pressure is hard. FI is going through the same struggle--wanting to please his parents while also wanting our marriage to begin on the right footing, without any resentment between us. He's caught between a rock and a hard place--and I'm trying so hard not to be the hard place, but I can't guarantee that I won't be resentful if we are forced into a big showy ceremony in front of people that I hardly know (though having met them a couple of times, are really lovely).
If she would accept the idea of a smaller ceremony for their benefit, it would make our lives much easier. I really think it would be strange to have two big ceremonies... it would make the 'repeat' one feel very empty for some reason (and FI agrees), which is why we'd like a different tone for the two (if we have two).
@Stevie.Brooks: Excellent suggestion! I was thinking that (worst case, of course), have the wedding as planned and a small exchange of vows in FH's home town so FFIL could be present.
I'm so sorry about all this. I know you are trying to please everyone. Give it a few days and see where you are. You and your FH will work it out, I'm sure. Good luck.
Hi Cliffette,
Just wanted to say good luck deciding and I really hope your FFIL makes a miraculous recovery. But if you have any more questions, feel free to PM me. I know it's a hard situation to be in, but it sounds like your FMIL is making this even more difficult and maybe in the next week or two she'll realize that what she's asking is a bit much. But if you want any suggestions on last-minute wedding planning, I'm happy to help!
Cliffette, there is one more option. Have your wedding when and where it is planned. And then allow your FMIL to plan a whole big shebang where she is for your FI's side of the family. Make her responsible for the planning and most importantly the finances. And as long as it doesn't interfere with the wedding you have planned or your honeymoon, then she can have it.
I don't think changing your existing plans in your hometown is a viable option no matter how you look at this. Deposits have been paid. Guests have made flight reservations. Not only would you be out a ton of money, so would some of your guests. And that is just not acceptable,
So one of three things could happen. Your FFIL could be mobile rendering this all a moot point, you could do a smaller civil ceremony for him and come back and do what you have already planned afterwards, or FMIL can plan and fund a big shebang in her hometown provided it does not in any way interfere with your existing plans. And I recommend if it comes down to one of those last two options, you let her choose.
Update: We're just waiting it out at this stage. So it's not really an update... my frustration at FMIL has lessened, so that's a good thing.
Encore--that would be a lovely idea, however, they wouldn't be able to afford the big shebang. This is another reason I'd prefer a low key (by which I mean low cost) event in their hometown. They have a large and helpful family who would rally and throw us a huge party that wouldn't cost the skies, but would be supremely fun. I really like FI's paternal family.
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A week ago, fFIL had a stroke. He's stable, in hospital now and doing therapy with the goal of getting to our wedding which is a 4 hour flight away in FI and my hometown. Our wedding is next month (I wrote in a fake date so that people I know won't find me).
FI is an only child and FI's parents' pretty much one and only dream has always been to see their son get married.
At this stage we don't know if fFIL will be well enough to get on the plane.
We have a two week window where we don't need to make any decisions, but come mid-September, we will need to decide whether to cancel our venues and hold a fairly impromptu ceremony in fFIL's hometown.
The problem with this is that our RSVPs are in, and we have guests travelling in to our wedding destination (FI and I's current hometown). Also, with this short notice, I doubt that many of my family and friends will make it to a wedding if it's held in fFIL's hometown.
So I'm looking at either having our ceremony as planned and feeling guilty because FI's parents won't be there, or moving my ceremony and living with the fact that many of my own friends/family won't be there. Or possibly cancelling our actual ceremony in favour of just holding a reception/party in my current venue.
fMIL is campaigning strongly for us to move our venue. My parents are saying to wait and see and that we should still have the ceremony where we planned, though probably with a skype connection so that FI's parents see it even if they cannot be physically present. This seems like an awful outcome for FI too.
I was and still am willing to have a tiny, intimate marriage ceremony in fFIL's hometown (just a simple white dress as opposed to the whole shebang) followed by a vow exchange in my own hometown (including the whole shebang as everything's booked/bought already). fMIL is opposed to this and thinks that fFIL would prefer to see his son get married in a 'big shebang' wedding. I think she's asking for too much at this stage--if she's pulling me away from my friends and family and then demanding a wedding on their terms.
It's a horrible situation all 'round. No matter what, someone will be disappointed, unless I am missing a better possibility.
Any advice? It's early days yet--fFIL might actually be mobile by the time our wedding rolls around--but I need to get this off my chest.