Post # 1
I’m having a problem and I don’t know what to do.
I mentioned before that my bf (who I live with) just got a job in Vancouver, and he’s there for his trial period of between 3-5 weeks. If everything goes well, he’ll be out there for about 14 more months doing his dream job – literally the job he’s worked for his whole life. At first it was so exciting because we were going to rent out our house in Toronto and then I’d move with our cat out to Vancouver to be with him (I’m currently unemployed).
Just two days before bf left, I got a call from an old friend telling me that he had a job opportunity that he thought I’d be great for, and when I found out what it was I thought it was really interesting and so did my bf. We discussed it and decided that I should at least apply for the job and see where it goes. This job is based in Toronto. So far, it looks as if I’ll probably get it. But it also turned out to be part-time.
My bf left on Saturday the 18th, and by the time this past weekend hit, I was feeling very antsy about not seeing him. Today I just felt overwhelmed for the first time and just stood in my kitchen crying for about 15 minutes. It felt like a mild panic attack about the thought of spending just over a year in separate provinces.
We had so many plans for living out in Vancouver together and now I’m so sad that it’s probably not going to happen.
I wanted to at least apply for this job because I didn’t want to feel resentful of my bf if I decided to forget about it and move out there to be with him. I’d always feel like I had missed out on something.
But now I’m just scared. And VERY, very torn. Part of me wants to just decline the job offer and go out to B.C. but another part of me is thinking, “it’s only a year. Stop whining because plenty of people have SO’s in the military and they’re gone for way longer on very dangerous missions.” I don’t want to feel sorry for myself at all, but I’ve started to become very freaked about about being in a LDR for a year.
Maybe it’s because I know that it’s in my power to change the path I take, but I just don’t know which path to take.
I just wanted to get this out. Advice is welcome… I’m not sure what I’m asking for though. Words of wisdom?
EDIT: I should also mention that I’m feeling depressed that it could be another year before we’re engaged.
Post # 3
You know that old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Well it’s true! My FI and I lived apart because of work for about 6 months. It was really hard and I know what you mean about that mini “panic attack.” I used to see the pictures of us in our livingroom and burst out crying because I missed him so much.
We only got to see each other once while he was away and other than that it was just phone calls every night and text messages every day. I do have some good news for you though! I had a girlfriend who went threw the exact same thing and she kept telling me, “look I got a ring out of it!” I just kept thinking sure sure in a perfect workd right??
Well turns out my bf missed me so much it showed him how much our relationship really meant to him. When he finally came home for Christmas after 6 long months he proposed! Guess she was right that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Take this as a learning experience and be as positive as you can. If anything this will test your relationship and, hopefully, show each other what you are really made of. If your relationship can take the test of being in “LDR” status than you can really take almost anything the future holds for you. Stay positive and surround yourself with loving friends and family (don’t subcome to the temptations of curling up in an old pair of his sweats and drowning in ice cream hehe!)
Post # 4
@mrs.peters.to.be: OMG you have made me feel so much better. First of all, it’s nice to know that there are other people in a similar situation.
It’s like you read my mind though. I was home all day today, and it’s raining outside and I just feel generally low. I’m wearing his tshirt, and I looked outside and saw his car sitting there, and that’s what triggered the waterfall of tears.
You’re right… it is a test for our relationship, and I think we can get through it. Maybe it’s that it’s so fresh we don’t have any sort of pattern yet. We’ve skyped a few times and that helps sooo much just to see his face. Also, once I start this job, my mind will be distracted and the days will go by much quicker.
I can’t believe you only saw your FI once in 6 months. That must’ve sucked. But I do hold out hope now that this will be the push he needs to put a ring on it 🙂
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I really do feel a lot better. I guess I just needed someone to slap me out of it.
Post # 5
LDRs are hard – there is no point in hiding that. But communication is key – lots of emails, phone calls, etc to keep you very much in each others lives. It is true that you can really build and learn to treasure your relationship even more when in a LDR because you do have to put work into it. But after that, you will have an even closer, stronger bond with this person and hopefully you both will want the same things out of the relationship and will be able to move to the next level together! It’s ok to feel sad and upset sometimes, but it is also important to remember what a great relationship you do have and that this is only a temporary situation! I hope everything works out for you 🙂
Post # 6
That’s exactly what you need…a good metaphoric slap in the face!
I remember sitting at home for days by myself until finally my girlfriends came over and saw the shape I was in. I’m a hopeless romantic so being without my love killed me! My girlfriend Ashley went through the same thing and got a ring afterward too.
You just have to be aware that being apart from him might get you down and you have to combat it as best as you can. We had a little countdown on and I mailed my man fun little care packages to keep the image of me fresh in his mind. I would send him little calendars with to dos on it for him, but I’d also sneak cute little notes like “you’re my world” or somethign cheezy like that on empty days. I also made him a CD of our favourite songs. One of his roomates (a guy) made fun of me terribly for it, but later on my guy admitted that he almost started crying when he listened to it.
You just have to keep that connection there as much as possible. Keep good diversions handy as well so you don’t turn into a depressed lump on the couch (I nearly became a hermit!). Another thing that helped was working out. Someone told me it would help replace those “happy” endorphines that I was missing because he was gone.
Also an exciting side note: We have another couple of friends who are doing the whole LDR right now….he just told me after it’s all over he’s proposing!! Yay! The ods are in your favor girl!
Post # 7
You said it looked like you would “probably” get the job, You also said it was only part-time.
Wouldn’t a full time job help you save up for your future together faster?
Businesses are hiring here in BC.
Come on out to Vancouver. We don’t get winter like you do in Toronto.
Post # 8
With the ladies before, I also got engaged right before I moved away from Virginia for 6 months for a job! I had finished my B.S. and he was going to be in school for another 3 years (had just started his phD), and my dream job came up in Oregon. Additionally, he had to work in Scotland for 2 months, so not only did we do the long distance relationship thing for 6 months but for 2 of those months we didn’t see each other and it was nearly impossible to consistently talk on the phone because of the time difference.
I wouldn’t go into it thinking this will be the reason you get engaged, but I would go into it thinking that this is your oppurtunity to find out how strong your relationship really is but also to do a little soul-searching yourself!
We ended up living apart for another year right before the wedding when he moved elsewhere for a job and I was finishing up my M.S. (it was a 3 yr engagement) and although I love being with him full time now, you learn to appreciate your girl time alone. LDR can actually be a really good thing sometimes. So stay positive about it all! : )
Post # 9
My FI and I lived apart for a year starting about 6 months after we started dating. Him in Ottawa, me in Vancouver. Here we are getting married 7 years later. So it CAN be done.
With that said, I love Vancouver, and think you probably would enjoy living here for a year, if possible. Is it possible that your BF could end up staying here after the 15 months? Or is he DEFINITELY having to come back? its a lot easier to survive a long distance relationship if there is an ‘end point’. Similarily, if he’s going to end up staying here, you’d probably be better saving the sadness of the year apart and just moving now.
Post # 10
Soooo a little update: It looks like the job didn’t come through for me and I’ll be leaving for B.C. in about 10 days! I’m so excited but pretty nervous too, especially because I’ll be bringing our 4 month old kitten on an airplane.
Thank you all for your input. It was VERY much appreciated. I really was so torn about what I was going to do, but it looks like the decision has been made for me and I’m pretty happy about that.
So… Kitsilano, here I come! 😀
Post # 11
I think that is very exciting for you!
What kind of work fo you do?
Kitsilano is a great area of Vancouver- close to the beach, lots of shops and restaurants, you can take the little Aqua Ferry to Granville Island.
To start you off here is a website to find lots of great information on Vancouver restaurants:http://chowhound.chow.com/boards/85
Post # 12
@julies1949: OMG you’re awesome! I can’t wait to try new restaurants – food is one of my favourite things 🙂 I can’t wait to see what Vancouver’s like in general. My bf can’t get over how beautiful it is, and sends me pics of the beach all the time. He also just bought a bike, so I’m excited to go riding. And see mountains.
I work in the film industry. Nothing too specific really, but I worked for a distribution company for the last 5 years. Luckily, my bf is also in film but on the production side, so I’m hoping he’ll have some contacts at his new workplace.
Post # 13
Don’t forget about craigslist when it comes time to look for a bike of your own.
I got mine off there for $50 including a helmet and lock. Lots of people buy bikes and then find they don’t use them so you can get some good deals.
You can ride all the way around the seawall from Kitsilano to Stanley Park, or you can take your bike on the little ferry from Vanier Park (in Kitsilano) to The Aquatic Centre(in the West End) and then ride around Stanley Park.