- 5 years ago
My first love was passionate, fiery, and all those things a girl imagines her first love to be…..BUT it was toxic.
I was 15 her was 16 we were young stupid kids. Everything was great at first, he was everything those trashy romance novels said he would be it….that lasted for about 3 months. Eventually I started to see his bad side his friends and going out were always more important than I was. It’s not like I was clingy but would it hurt to see the girlfriend you live right down the street from? literally if I went through my backyard and across the street there his house was right across the street. Living so close you would think we saw rach other every day that was not the case. I saw him 2-4 (at most) times a week.
He was always telling me he was somewhere I knew he wasn’t and he was always skipping school we had a class together. I found out a few weeks into the relationship that he smoked weed that to me was no big deal even though I didn’t I had many friends who did. I then started hearing about him not only smoking weed but dealing weed and doing more serious drugs. I didn’t believe it. He denied it for awhile then eventually fessed u one drunk night and begged me for help how could I refuse? I also realized he had a drinking problem. His dad encouraged he behavior as long as he didn’t get in real trouble, his mom hated it but did ittle to stop it. For about 4 weeks he seemed to make progress and we were happier than ever or so it seemed.
One day he dissapeared out of the blue he seemed to just dissapear he wasn’t home he didn’t answer or call back for two weeks at which point I left a very nasty meassage with a few choice words telling him I was done. I missed him terribly we had become quite close drugs and alcohol aside.
He showed back up a few days later and we avoided each other like the plague for 3 days then he showed up at my house bored and wanting company I kicked him out. My sister how I live with gets the whole story out of me and forbids me from seeing him again. Impossible we have almost all our friends in common.
That weekend a mutual friend throws a party we were both in attendance he with some barely dressed chick. I was jealous and refused to show it so I flirt with his cute friend. He started drinking excessively and getting mad he was so drunk he could barely walk and he goes outside. Not long after his friend and I go out to smoke a ciggarette and find him laying on th ground bleeding quite a bit from his head. He was still consious and started begging me to forgive him and give him another chance he says he loves me I belive him we rush him to the hospital. We get back together to my family’s complete dissaproval but his family loves me and supports us they said I was good for him. The same goes on for a year and a half he using drugs me always there to catch him and help him clean his act up for about a month before the cycle starts again everytime he promises it’s the last and everytime I believe him.
I was constantly fighting with my family over him and I moved in with him when he gets his own place at this point we are 17 and 18 I started smoking weed to just to cope with his antics his friends seem to invade our house they were always there, our house was the party house he never stood up for me if his friend had something negative to say I hated it. Then i start popping pills and doinnf extasy and drinking a lot. I was unhappy but always had faith that he would change. I finally get tired of him and being put last the drug and alchol abuse have made me mean, I leave with my tail tucked between my legs and go home.Once again I miss him badly but fight it. After a week the haze is gone and i’m starting to be me again and have fun the way a 17 year old should. A week later my period is late and I found out I was pregnant. I was devested. I callled him to tell him and he cried and told me I ruined his life becaue abortion was not an option.
We don’t speak and we never see each other and I don’t care too. I decided to do what I had too and raise this baby alone in the process things were ugly between us he even threatened to take the baby when I had it and make sure I never saw it again. I meet a wonderful guy my fiancee he steps up to the plate and prepares to be the daddy he doesn’t have to be. the day before I have our child his mother calls me wanting to know if had the baby and all about my pregnancy and I tell her. I go into labor the next day I don’t know how but he finds out and shows up with his parents and grandparents and 4 friends. I teel them all to get out I don’t want them there.
He came around very few times after I had our child he and my Fiancee hate each other after he tries to initiate a fight, He is pissed that Fiance is considered the baby’s daddy by everyone in mine and FI’s family.
we got to court and he gets visitation. for the next two years we have areguments about every aspect of parenting and he goes in and out of jail constantly.
Fiance can’t take the drama we break up for 6 months. Baby daddy’s momma ask me and my child to stay with her since we have nowhere to go he is in jail so I have time to figure things out. I had trouble finding a job and was still there when he got out he had been sober for 6 months the old him started peaking through I started falling but I was able to be rational 90% of the time. the other 10% I let myself think what if? we have one drunk night together and It was a wake up call I ignore him and his pleas to get back together as mucj as I can. Fiance and I decide to work things out and I move back in. babydaddy was furious. Two months later I am pregnant again I am 19 at the time we are happy. Babydaddy ends up back in jail for 7 months. I have my sonn everything is great babydaddy is more worried about himself than us. a few months later babydaddy starts his drama again. he gets arrested not long after. He gets out and wants to be friends I agree I’m sick of the fighting. We try to be friend it gets strained at times but we are friend and 6 months later he is back in jail for breaking parole by hanging out with another convicted felon.
Fiance and I get re engaged this may. now babydaddy wants to work it out and be a family and I tell him hell no. It’s easy when I think about the well being of my babies. He wants to have a heart to heart he doesn’t want me to get married. I think if we have this conversation he will know that I always have and always will have a place for him but I can never be with him again. If he gets the slightest hint that I might have any feeling he will be ruthless about it and only try to ruin my relationship with Fiance. and Yes I love Fiance it’s not the all consuming self destructive love babydaddy and i had but it’s real self sacrificing love he makes me a better person and he gives me unconditional love. He know I struggle with babydaddy and everything he put me through but Fiance knows I will always choose him.
I’m not prepared for the shit storm it will be when babydaddy gets out. I can;t handle this again. since we have a kid together I’m stuck dealing with him for next 10+ years. I tied to get sole custody but at the time babydady didn’t have a rap sheet. I don’t doubt babydaddy believes he loves me I can see it in his eyes but I wish he would just move on part of me feels bad for him but he had his chance.
I just want to be happy I feel like he will never just let me be happy.