- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
my SO and his sister were raised by a single mom. They were “the other family”, and even then, his dad left them when they were in their teens. as a result of this, SO and his sister grew to be very protective of their mom.
when I met SO, I was hesitant about getting together because of the possibility that the mom might be living with him in the future (we are from a culture where people sometimes live with their parents all their lives). However, early in our dating days SO brought up this topic one day and said that when he starts a family one day the mom will not be living with him, but close by so that he can still take care of her. I thought, great!
Then a few months down the road, SO one day mentioned that one day we might get married, buy a house…. and then his mom can move in with us. This was a shock to me and sparked a huge argument. He clarified that he and his mom never talked about where she wants to live until recently when she mentioned her preference to live with him. I told him I worry that his mom will always come first in his life, and what I want and need will always come second. At the end of the fight we agreed that his mom will live very close by (a few minutes walk away or even next door). A few days later he came back and told me how much his mom has sacrificed raising him, and he can’t let her live alone and that if I can’t accept it it’s over. I panicked that I was going to lose him, and I agreed that she could stay with us, but only after we have been married two or three years, when I am ready for her to move in, and he said that she will only be living in our house, all the decisions about household and kids will be made by us.
A few months later, in another fight, I told him that I was afraid to trust him completely, I felt like I always need a backup plan in case he made another decision with his mom and leaves me to fend for myself. I told him that if we were married one day, I will take care of his mom like my own, but I need to be his first priority and the number one person he fights for, if one day it comes down to either me or his mom. He understood, and made me a compromise that in the future, his mom will only stay with us six months at a time, and with his sister the other six months. His sister lives in another country. If his mom is here for more than six months, he will get her a place that’s close by. He asked me to think it through, if I agree, he will tell his family about this arrangement. I agreed. He told his family, his sister understood and was supportive. His mom was upset but also understood and accepted it. I felt like this was a milestone for us.
All this time, his mom was visiting his sister in another country. Since she left Canada, he has pretty much spent every night at my place. This continued even when she came back to Canada for a six month visit a few months ago. She is staying at his place while he sleeps over at mine (a few minutes walk away). SO has either lunch/dinner with her every day, and I join them for dinner once a week. Everything was going well until…….
A few days ago, SO told me that sometimes when he goes home to see his mom, he feels that he should spend the night to keep her company. This really bothered me because, while I understood that he wants to spend time with her a few nights a week, I can’t understand why he needs to stay the night “to make sure shes ok”. They only have one bed so they would also be sleeping on the same bed. (They were really close, to the point where they hold hands when they go out together, till recently when I told him it bothered me and made him stop, and he agreed to slowly ease out of it). He also told me that even though in the future if she ever needed to stay at a place for more than 6 months (whether its because she fell out with the sister’s husband or if she can’t travel so often anymore), he wants her to stay with us, instead of at a separate place close by. I said no to both, and insisted that he keeps his promise. The next day everything went back to normal and he didn’t bring this up, so I thought it was resolved.
Then today he told me hes going to sleep at his own place. I told him that I don’t mind if he stays to keep his mom company till she goes to bed, but please come over after. We started to fight about the whole breaking promise thing again. He said he can’t do it, it was “wrong thinking”, and children should never let parents stay alone.
I freaked out and sent him a LOT of sad messages, asking him to come over so we could talk in person. He just told me he loved me, and to take a deep breath and rest. It really hurt because whenever his mom seems even a little upset with him, he drops everything he’s doing and goes home to talk to her. Today, I having a major breakdown via text. And he refused to come and talk it out with me. It also really hurt that he just went ahead with staying over even though we never resolved our argument.
I love him so much, he is a good, kind person who does take care of me other than this whole mom issue. But I’m afraid that he will always put his mom first, even if we are married one day and have kids. When I told him this, he told me that he just wants to take care of everybody. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help. Am I being selfish?
- This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by anonybee321.