- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
Well, I haven’t written a “waiting” post in a while, but I have had a lot on my mind about all this lately. Mostly, I don’t know but I might be kidding myself calling myself a “waiting” girl. I might be waiting, but I might be far from it, and I’m starting to lose hope. I don’t even know where I’m at.
About two months ago, I started Mr. bee’s plan, doing well at some parts and sucking at others. I started taking care of myself and doing things to make myself happy, like getting my nails done etc. I started to go out with my best friends more often and enjoyed our girl time. I also started getting back into working out. I started to feel better about myself, but I sucked at avoiding the marriage talk. It was fine though because my bf seemed to be okay with it at the time. He even told me he looked at rings and what his favorite styles were. He seemed to be more open about it than ever before, and that made me happy but it made it hard for me to drop the subject.
Well, about a month ago, right before Valentine’s day, my bf and I had a discussion about the “marriage talk” in which he told me he didn’t like me talking about it so much and he essentially said I was making him feel like he couldn’t surprise me anymore because I was “expecting” it. We never had a timeline, but he didn’t like me “knowing” it was going to happen. He did say some things that hurt my feelings and I had a little break down about how “it’s never going to happen.” After my breakdown, we made up and things were great. I dropped the “marriage/engagement talk” completely, and for about two weeks, things were just awesome. I was happy in our relationship and continuing to do my thing.
Then, we suddenly started bickering about anything and everything on and off. We had a good week, the week of our anniversary, but after that, we have been bickering at least once almost every single day. I realize it’s only been like two weeks (on/off days) total of the bickering, but it feels like forever. We generally have a good relationship, so it’s driving me nuts that we can’t stop bickering over the stupidest things. Then, I get so frustrated that we are bickering AGAIN that I start bickering about the bickering. He has been telling me “we are okay. we will be fine. we just need to stop dwelling over it.” And I know he is right, but I can’t help but get soooo frustrated. And when we bicker I have a feeling like it’s the end of the world. Then when things are going well, I feel like I can’t wait to get married.
I know this sounds unstable, this back and forth thinking. I completely realize that, so I have started to analyze and ask myself questions like “why DO I want to marry HIM?” I just want to make sure it’s for the right reasons, and I’ve realized it is. I love him more than anything and consider myself to be a lucky girl to have him. He is everything I ever wanted in a man: loving, nice, sweet, friendly, laid back, supportive, understanding, silly, funny, smart, and so much more. So I know our relationship is worth it, and I know we will get over this little bump, but I just don’t know if I am “waiting.” I don’t know if he is even thinking about getting engaged. Today, I brought up the topic of marriage for the first time in more than a month (a friend of his asked him on fb when he is planning on “making the move” so I jokingly asked him about that), and he said he hasn’t had time to think about it because he has been preoccupied with other things. He just got a new job a few weeks ago and had to work so hard just to get it; he went through several interviews, projects, and skills tests. So yes, he has been very busy, but I guess I was just hoping for a different answer. It’s sad to me because just a few months ago, I actually suspected he might be planning to propose to me on our anniversary just because he wanted to take an anniversary trip which we don’t normally do. We had an amazing time together on our anniversary but I didn’t get engaged. At the begnining of the year, I had a lot of hope that we’d get engaged by the end of 2012, and now… well we are only in March, and already I feel like I was kidding myself. There is no way it’s happening this year. He just doesn’t seem to be thinking about it anymore and it’s breaking my heart.
I don’t know if the bickering is a result of me having to shut my mouth about wanting to get engaged or if it’s completely separate. I don’t know. I guess I just needed to get all this out. I’ve been so frustrated lately. Just hoping things get back to normal soon. I keep thinking maybe when things get back to normal and we are back into the swing of things he will start to think about it on his own again, but I am just losing hope and I don’t know what to do.
*On a side note, I haven’t been spending a lot of time with my friends in the last 2 or 3 weeks. maybe I need to get back to doing that.
*Oh and sorry this was so long. I didn’t realize it was going to be so long when I started writing it.