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I've been there, and will be there for a while! This was a huge issue for FI and I, especially 3 years ago during a bit of a crisis in our relationship. It was between Cincinnati (me) and Nashville (him) for us. After 2 years LDR, I moved to Nashville to be with him and have now been here 2 years. I really want to raise our (eventual) kids in Cincinnati near my family, but we just bought a house here. He finally agrees that it might be better to move to Cincy eventually, and it is the practical things that you mention that are what swayed him. We could afford a much bigger house in OH/KY than in Nashville. Private schools are cheaper there, and public ones aren't as bad either. The only thing is that neither of us know how it will work with our jobs and whether we'll have kids first or when it will be. Well, it can't before November 2012, because that's how long we have to stay in the house we just bought to keep our tax credit!
I don't really have any solutions, but I just wanted to let you know I've been there. Since he's the one who initially moved, did he see it as a "deal" that the two of you made? I know for a long time I tried to make FI promise we would eventually move back to Cincy, and that was dumb of me. It wasn't until I let go of that need that we moved back from the brink of breaking up and actually started falling in love all over again. Does he see your not wanting to move back to Charleston as you breaking some kind of deal--whether or not any kind of deal was really struck between you?
Thanks for your comment, I made it clear when he moved up here that we wouldn't be back in SC anytime soon. He took that to mean we'd be here a year maybe 2, not more. I've tried to get him to look at the practical side of things, but he's just so geared towards getting back to Charleston. What confuses him is that I say I would love to but we can't. He seems to think that if we both want to be there than why not, and then I have to list reason 1 to 1000 for him. I dont think he thinks I'm breaking a deal, but he does make comments that he doesn't want to be "trapped" in St Louis, how do I tell him that living here forever is a very real possibility?
Would it be possible to move somewhere completely different? Like maybe in between your two families? Or with the same "feel" and amenities of Charleston, but at a lesser cost? Just a thought.
I'm sorry... your situation stinks :(
My family and friends are 3+ hours away. I decided to take the bar exam and start a career in my FI's home state. I do sometimes get lonely and miss my family. His family is very sweet, but I just can't relate to them... I get along well with his sister and my FMIL, but we just don't "click."
So I understand how your FI feels. And sometimes I think it would be better to start fresh and live somewhere where we are both the new kids in town. But it is important to have family around if you plan on having children soon, so I understand your wanting to stay in St Louis.
I think you need to be very upfront about this. Tell him that you don't see the two of you ever moving back to SC... period. Then he can make an informed decision about how to deal with this.
I can see how he could be confused if you said "I'd love to but we can't." It sort of just depends on how much you would love to... nothing is really impossible. If moving back to SC is priority #1 to him, he might be willing to make sacrifices that you are not in order to live there.
i agree w/ hotchild - move to a neutral location that could split the difference? or get a house with an in-law suite in the more affordable city that you live in now.
It's a tough situation. I think it would be difficult for you to live "somewhere in the middle" as a negotiation. Eventually one of you will give in, it' just kind of what happens. From my experience usually what the wife wants, the wife gets. I have 2 friends in similar situations are you.
Friend #1 has family in California and their SO has family in TX. The SO keeps making the argument for the advantages of living in TX versus living in CA (cost of living, cheaper to buy a house, etc) but Friend #1 puts their foot down and say over my dead body are we moving to TX. Although SO wants badly to move to TX it's never going to happen b/c Friend #1 won't let it... alas SO has conceded and they've ceased to argue over it.
Friend #2 has family in Pittsubrgh while SO has family in California. Friend #2 and their SO intend on moving to Pitt eventually in the next few years to raise their family. Advantages to living in Pitt are exactly the same as mentioned above. SO has agreed to move there, despite them having to move away from family.
My point, things will work out. Frankly you guys don't need to be arguging over these kinds of things now. You aren't even married yet. Both of my friends ARE married already, thus their decisions and discussions are relevant. You and FI have a lot of things to handle (planning a wedding), you don't need to be tearing into each other over something like this. You'll cross that bridge when you get there. :)
I have to disagree with Bunny22. These things don't always "work themselves out"! Talking about this before marriage is the responsible and mature thing to do, IMHO. My FI and I have had many talks about possibly moving around the world. It wasn't until 3 years into our relationship that I knew he, very seriously, wanted to live all over the place and it was almost a deal breaker for me. We've compromised and decided that we'll live outside of our hometown, maybe in another state, but close enough to be able to go back home with less than 1 day's drive. Also, your Friend #1 doesn't seem like such a great role model, she wasn't even willing to compromise?! "Over her dead body"?! I didn't think people actually talked like that!
EDIT- To the OP: My FI and I had a LOT of talks about this, like I stated in my paragraph above. We talked until our faces were blue. Neither of us wanted to change our minds about moving, but we both had to. We decided that the best of both worlds (so one of us wasn't miserable for the rest of our lives) would be to settle in the middle. I like the other poster's suggestions of moving between the two cities. It might work out, and you'll both be able to start your lives somewhere new together. I wish you the best of luck, because I do know how emotionally straining talking about this is.
Agree with LindsayB. The living situation is a very important thing to discuss.
FI and I grew up about 45 minutes away from each other. We met when I was home for the summer. I knew that I never ever ever wanted to live in or near my hometown again. I wanted to live in NYC. FI was hesitant at first but agreed to give it a try. 5 years later, he loves it (we both do) Even though we are 10000000% happy here in the city...we still keep this discussion open. When we have kids, we might need to move to an outer borough. If we want to leave entirely, we're going to Florida.
Neither of us had ever lived in NYC or have any family here. We just started fresh together and it's been a fun adventure. If we ever move to FL, it will be the same thing as we know no one there.
I think that some bees may have misinterpreted what I said. When I said that "things work themselves out", I truly meant that a solution will be worked out... regardless of how much arguing is going on and if you can't see eye to eye right now. In no way did I suggest that they never discuss their living situation.
Obviously it is important to talk about the future and where you want to live. But... if you're going to rip each other's heads off right now over something you want to do 3 or 4 years down the line, then you're not really going to accomplish much at present time in this argument. I suggest that you just give it a little rest and maybe at the end of the year or sometime next year when you have more or an idea of where your lives are headed then you can make more of an informed discussion.
This is just my opinion. I don't enjoy arguing with my FI and typically don't like to escalate a situation to where we're yelling and screaming at each other... esp. over a decision that's uncertain and can be discussed later when more thought has been put into it.
@LindsayB - My friend didn't use those kinds of words.. I abbreviated the situation and left out a lot of details. Leaving CA wasn't an option b/c her entire family lived there (her family is very close knit and his family isn't) and given their progressive liberal thinking... moving to TX wasn't an option no matter how much cheaper it was to live there. Her husband only wanted to move to TX b/c of cost of living; nothing more. Sometimes you have to consider whether or not your lifestyle fits the location. So in that instance, I would not hold it against her if she didn't want to compromise.
Everyone, thank you so much for your comments, it really is helpful! As far as what some of you have said, I like the "idea" of starting fresh somewhere, but at the same time I'm realistic in thinking it probably wouldn't work for us. And from past conversations about it we are both pretty much on the same page as far as not wanting to do that. I agree that this is something I want to figure out before we are married. It is not a deal breaker for me if we don't live in STL, I would rather be poor and childless living in Charleston than be w/o him, but I'd much prefer that not be the case! I feel like I could be the dominant one and say, we are living in STL and get him to agree but I don't want to do that, I don't want him to be bitter about living here. I just don't know how to express that to him, I obviously want us to both be happy, but I really think in the end one of us will end up hurt or upset.
@June - I don't think that just because someone had to compromise what they wanted ... that they will be hurt or upset. In the end it's your life together and whatever the outcome, as you said yoursef, you're going to just be happy being with one another.
Do you like FI's family and would be okay raising your family around them? Just asking b/c sometimes this is not the case.
How about this solution.. since STL is cheaper to live in, maybe you can see where you are financially for the next few years living in STL. During this time you could try to save as much money as possible and see if it's feasible for you to buy a house in Charleston w/the money saved. Also you can see what kind of job opportunities you'd have by this time and hopefully both be able to job gets that pay more in order to support the higher cost of living. Meanwhile you're at least getting your family's support system and are working toward some kind of future with FI.
Bunny- thank you, I need to just memorize your solution and recite it to him like that! lol. That's pretty much exactly what I want to say I just always mix up my words when we talk about this!
@Bunny22- I'm sorry if I came off harsh, I really didn't mean to! Sometimes this internet stuff reads a but different than it's meant to. Also, I did misinterpret the meaning behind your words, so I do apologize. I agree that everything will work out eventually for june42011 and her FI, and I hope it does soon. :)
I can tell you that when I was younger NEVER wanted to leave my hometown. But after we had kids for a couple of years, a financial shift occurred, my husband lost his job, at the same time, I had finished training for a career where I could make nearly triple the money he could make at a job but it was offered 2 hours away. So , we moved, he became a stay @ home dad with the kids and worked on a beautiful old fixer-upper-house. Later, for several personal reasons we decided to move, and it was me that wanted to move and we moved 3,000 miles away!!! Years ago, I never would have even been willing to or have considered that. Life throws different situations at all of us, and who knows what will be the best place to live with each new change of the wind~ At least you will both be together to support each other through life's situations, for better or worse. Know that over the course of your lives together that where ever you are you create your own family. Moving away from family etc. may be difficult, but it can sometimes be the best place you need to be at the time. And someday you may really get to live where you both will want to live. Sorry this is long. :)
Hey girl,
I was in the same situation, having moved from Minnesota to Charleston, SC and met my fiance. He is from North Carolina, and we eventually relocated there for my work (and for him to be close to family). I've always been very vocal about wanting to return back to Minnesota and before he proposed, he said he had a very honest conversation with himself about the realistic possibilities of moving - knowing in full where I wanted to be, geographically, later in life.
Long story short, we ended up moving back to Minnesota, and my one piece of advice - do NOT listen to the people who are saying "pick somewhere neutral! Just pick somwhere in the middle!" because we both know that some family is better than NO family. And it's really easy to offer the consessions and bargains for "your" location (vs. "his") - you need to step back and consider all deciding factors - finances, planning for a family, and overall quality of life!
Deciding where to spend your life and settle down is NOT an easy decision and will probably take multiple "tough" conversations! Make pro/con lists, be honest about how you feel, and remember to consider his point of view, too! Please know you are not alone going through this!! Moving across the country together has brought us closer together, and taught us lessons in depending on eachother, regarless of whether we are closer to my family or his. This, like all relationships, takes work! Best of luck, my dear!!
Awww! LindsayB- That was the sweetest apology to Bunny22.
Geography. This is our one and only issue. We live in Ireland (about 3 minutes from his parents) and I'm from Connecticut (so I'm about 3000 miles from home).
We have had a couple major discussions about geography and almost broke up over it a few years ago when I told him I could love him and be with him forever but I couldn't promise to stay in Ireland forever. He basically said the same thing - he could love me and be with me forever but he couldn't promise that he would move to the USA. We talked it out and cried and anguished over it and the only thing we knew for sure was that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives (we weren't even engaged yet!) so we decided that we didn't have a crystal ball and we'd figure it out and work through it together no matter what.
My husband's job is tied to being in Ireland specifically so that keeps us here indefinitely and I make every attempt to go home as often as possible. Both of our dads have health problems so we're conscious of that. We also plan on having children in the next year-2 years if possible so part of me is happy to stay put for financial reasons b/c of DH's job security and income and a bigger part of me knows I'll want to be closer to home and my mother (specifically! but everyone in general). I just don't know what life will bring but being without him was not an option.
I know I'm not offering any advice but I just thought I would share our situation because it is gut wrenching at times and it is stressful but if you can commit to each other and the work it will take then hopefully the geography won't matter as much- at least that's what I'm hoping!
Good luck!!!
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Me and my FI met while in college in Charleston, SC. Before we were seriously talking marriage we would "plan" out our life together and it always included living in Charleston. Well fast-forward, we had a bad spell that lasted a year but eventually turned into him moving to St Louis to be with me. Long story made short we are now engaged living in St Louis, and planning a wedding in Charleston. I would love to eventually move back to SC (where he is from) but honestly its just not practical. Everything costs double what it costs here, both our jobs are here and my family is here. We are resigning our lease which means that if we get married in June we could potentially buy a house to move into in July, which I would LOVE! But he doesn't want to, b/c he is still hoping by some miracle we will move back to Charleston.
We have had so many conversations about this and I've told him how I feel about everything but he just doesn't seem to get it. We discussed that we want to try and have children a year after we get married. If we live in Charleston I don't see it being possible, if we live here in STL then we'd have cheaper rent/or a house and my parents to help. I just feel like every conversation we have goes no where! I really wish we were both just from the same home town so we wouldn't have these issues, this is starting to be a worry point for me and it just drives me crazy thinking about it.
I know I can't change where we are from, but I just don't know what to do. I know there are lots of ya'll on here with SO's from other states, how do you handle this, is there ever one of you who wants to be somewhere else? Any help out there? Maybe? Please??