- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I have been married for about two and a half months to the one love of my life. We met when I was thirteen, broke up and were in other marriages and reunited after forty years. I truly love him more than I can describe but I have this discontent I can’t get past. His purpose in life is to make me happy. We have an “honesty policy” so we talk about everything. The seeds of my discontent are not our relationship but other life events and decisions that won’t or can’t change.
In the past 20 months this has been our bumpy journey:
I left my husband of thirty years.
Lived alone for the first time in my life.
Got through a divorce with no family support from an abusive husband.
Muscle disease worsened to extent that I had to stop working and go on disability.
Moved with my FI to new state.
My sister had a cardiac arrest and I went back and was with my Dad helping for total of ten weeks this year. Six hospitalizations and permanent brain damage.
Finally moved back with FI in May.
Had courthouse wedding in June and are having vow renewal in Jamaica in November.
Our living situation is one we thought would be ideal. In law apartment with his son and grandkids. We have a house on a golf course in a beach town and DH feels that is home. We go there most weekends. I am finding that even though we have privacy, I wish we had a place of our own. We are financially contributing here so we can’t just up and leave. His plan is to live here until he retires in five years and then move to beach house. Our apartment is small and I feel very confined.
I am bored. I miss work. I am limited in what I can do because of my muscle disease. I am finding it hard to be alone twelve hours a day and it’s not DH’s job to be everything to me. I was independent. I signed up for an exercise class at senior center (I’m 56, wasn’t easy to do), am joining a book club, and a women’s encouragement group. Next plan is to stand by the side of the road with a sign saying “can I buy a friend”.
My DH is devastated because I am unsettled and he feels he failed because his goal was to give me a better life. HE IS. I just need to accept what is and find purpose.
Am I crazy? I feel selfish and wonder why I can’t be truly happy.