(Closed) I don't like the way my husband speaks to me during arguments

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Have you tried expressing this to him during a calm time? It’s not ok. Maybe therapy/couples therapy to help him discover why he reacts so strongly. They could give him some anger management techniques as well. I used to be the yeller, my DH never yells or cusses. I finally felt so guilty bc he was always so calm I finally figured out how to keep it in check. Things are much calmer now! : )

Post # 4
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry you are having a hard time. One thing that I value of my relationship is that we argue but never loose respect. There are times wihen our voices do get high but I think they are from the heat of the monent. I think there are fine lines that can get crossed when you are angry but I would talk to him and tell him how you feel when he treats you this way. 

In my opinion, there is never any reason why you should loose respect for anyone. He might need anger management classes. 

Post # 5
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would call him out on it immediately… along the lines of “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way” and end the conversation/argument/fight.

Post # 6
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

My relationship is like this but the exact opposite.  My family is full of yellers and cussers (although I, unlike my father and sister, am able to refrain from saying really hurtful things in the heat of the moment).  His family never fought and never raised their voices.  When we first got together, I couldn’t understand why he would be SO hurt and angry after a fight.  We finally realized that my conflict style was way too over the top for what he is used to and can handle, and I’ve toned it way down.

I suggest that at some point when you’re NOT fighting, you tell him that it’s extremely upsetting to hear yelling / cussing / saying hurtful things in the heat of moment.  Phrase it as YOUR issue and if he could please help you with it, you’d be appreciative (so he doesn’t feel attacked).  Then do your best to remind him firmly but kindly if it happens.  It worked for us for the most part – good luck!!

Post # 7
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My parents never argued in front of me either and I know everyone has a different comfort level with how heated things get during a fight, but suffice it to say that mine is low. My fiance doesn’t call me names or yell when things are cross between us but he can take an immature, defensive and disrespectful tone which is frankly repellent to me. If I bring it up he claims that I act the same way during an argument, which is simply not true. This is the one thing I honestly really don’t like about him. And we don’t fight often so it’s not something that comes up often, but when it does I know that it damages my regard for him. I wish I had good advice. 

Post # 9
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you don’t mind sharing, have you created a list of ground rules for arguments, either during or outside of therapy? It would be a list of behaviors (e.g., cursing) that are not acceptable for either of you during fights.

Post # 10
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You two had to learn how to love each other, now it’s time to learn how to fight…everyone has different triggers and responses and each party is responsible for their actions, even in the heat of the moment…if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you, but remember that he’s got to be able to express himself and have you listen to it as well, so table your concerns on the platform of greater communication.  Because if he’s freaking you out trying to work through whatever, you’re going into panic mode, shutting down and he looks like an asshole, if he can get his point across without scaring the hell outta you, he’s only going to benefit from it.  Appeal to him in that sense, because everyone wants to be heard, and it’s hard for two people to come together and discuss everything in a calm and rational manner 100% of the time…

Post # 12
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jjilyeah:  personally, everybody has their own way of arguing – yelling, being quiet, petulant tones etc. I don’t have an issue with yelling or cussing, because that’s what angry people do due to heightened emotions, but if it’s an issue for you then work it out with him.

Post # 13
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

My husband is similar. He’s worked really, really hard to control it, but sometimes it still gets out of hand. And definitions of yelling come in to play… what I think is yelling is only the beginning for him. We’ve had 7 years of this. Honestly, there was recently a fight where he really, really crossed the line. I wish he’d agree to therapy, so you’re a step ahead of us! I think it’s important to remain calm because you getting worked up too doesn’t solve anything.

Post # 14
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No, because we have had lots of practice fighting before we got married, so I knew what I was gettng into! lol

But seriously, I think it’s important to know someone’s fighting style before marriage, because every fights in marriage, and if your fighting styles are not “compatible” it can cause a lot of problems. I agree with PP about setting up “ground rules” for fighting. I’m glad you guys are in therapy for this, and hope that helps!

Post # 15
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jjilyeah:  My husband can be the same way when he gets angry, and It usually works out best to just walk away until he can calm down enough to TALK to me. He also knows when he just needs to be alone for awhile to calm down, and we will hash it out later. It does take awhile, we’ve been together for 6 years, but you learn how to fight ‘right’, if that makes sense. We try to never go to bed mad.

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