I don't love my ring.. Fiancé refuses to let me change it

posted 2 years ago in Rings
  • poll: What should I do given my situation?
    Live with the ring I have and not bring this up to him again : (174 votes)
    71 %
    Try to talk to him again to get his support (and risk threatening the relationship further) : (37 votes)
    15 %
    Just go ahead and pay for the ring setting myself without his support : (34 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 2
    1055 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

    Mysecretdiary:  I would see if you can get an enhancer band. Solitaires are classic and popular for a reason. Maybe you can add a stack to it?

    Post # 3
    2551 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I agree with the PP.  There are so many things you can do with a solitaire when it comes to your wedding band(s).  Start looking up nice stacks!  Sometimes I wish I would have requested a solitaire just for the stack, but I gave my SO fairly detailed instructions that will make my set unique 🙂

    Post # 4
    74 posts
    Worker bee

    I am not an overly sentimental girl and look at things with logic. If he had a budget and you guys went and looked at rings together… That would have been the sensible thing to do. As there are LOTS of different styles. 

    I get that he wanted to get you something nice but what a waste of money not considering your thoughts on it too!! This is the very reason, I have a ‘list’ of things I’d like in various budgets & my hubby will always get me something I really want/love because I already picked it out…. No sense spending hard earned $$$ and the other person has to fake liking something.. 

    Perhaps explain it to him that it’s because you appreciate he worked to save for a ring, there is no sense in it being something you don’t really like. Perhaps the jeweller would help you alter it? 

    Post # 5
    5968 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017


    Mysecretdiary:  I would drop it. He clearly would be hurt if you changed that ring. He seems to have put some effort into buying you a ring he thought was nice. If he’s not in support of an upgrade, I would just let it go.

    Post # 6
    1040 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Thats tough, because he’s already feeling like you don’t appreciate it. I just love the meaning behind a ring-I mean its the ring he proposed the rest of his life to you with, but then again you have to love it..you will be wearing it forever. I agree with PP, maybe get a very detailed wedding band & make sure you let him know you want to go shopping together for that.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  foreverlovex. Reason: typos
    Post # 7
    2791 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

    Like others said, there are TONS of options for bands/enhancers to make it what you want. 

    Double bands. Stacking. Halo bands. Here are a few examples… 

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    Post # 8
    2666 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    Mysecretdiary:  It doesn’t sound like he’s refusing to let you. It sounds like his feelings are hurt and he feels his attempt to please you is underappreciated. Could you try a conversation about this that is just about his feelings, to see if you can get a better understanding? Go into it with the goal of getting him to explain how he feels about the whole situation, repeating what he says in different words, so that you’ll “get it?” I wonder if him believing that you understand his point of view would make him more willing to try to understand yours; maybe then you could come to a mutual agreement about how to move forward. I do think previous poster’s suggestions about getting some kind of wedding band that will give you the look that you want when added to the e-ring might be a good compromise.

    Post # 9
    1981 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I would buy myself a new setting- he doesn’t have to wear it every day- you do! Your FI needs to set his own ego aside because he should want you to be happy above all other things, and if that means a new setting, so be it! (My understanding was that you were just resetting the stone you got). 

    Post # 11
    4645 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Mysecretdiary:  Didn’t you already ask this before? You seem pretty obsessed with getting it changed. Personally I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want to hurt my FI’s feelings. It’s a solitaire so you can get your pave in the wedding band. Then maybe on your one year or 5 year anniversary you can add a halo. Doing it now seems like it’s hurting his feelings. It’s not like it’s sooooo far off from what you want, you know, like a spike studded pearl with rainbow sprinkles glued on. You know??

    Post # 12
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I didn’t pick out my ring either so I understand not getting not getting something you love.

    Since you’ve talked about it a few times and it seems like he doesn’t want you to change it, I would drop it for now.  I’m all for getting something you like but maybe it’s too soon in his mind.  Also, I think you should pay 100% for it so I agree with him on that.

    Maybe revisit the issue after you’re married.  He might be more receptive then.

    Post # 13
    2751 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would wait to bring it up again when you guys go wedding ring shopping.  It would be a good time to pick out a set. He might be more understanding & see your point more at that time. It makes sense to want a setting that goes with your wedding ring. Plus then he’ll be able to physically see what you want & why you want it.

    Post # 14
    4635 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    We designed my ring together and we are both so happy we went that route. If we hadnt I probably would have ended up with a solitaire that would not have fit me or my personality at all. My FI said the only way he would be upset is if I wanted something bigger and was a bitch about it. I don’t see the problem with changing the set especially if it’s just a plain solitaire. I have seen some settings that have a plain band like a solitaire but have a halo, maybe that would be a good compromise?

    Post # 15
    2182 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I’m always in favor of getting what you truly want in a piece of jewelry that you wear every day and I have a super supportive DH who doesn’t care what I wear as long as i wear a wedding ring. Many times on these boards I have voted towards getting the change that you want, explaining it to your FI, etc. However, in your case he seems adamantly against it. I think more than a discussion about his support in the change you need to have a discussion about why he was open to the idea at first, but not anymore. Why have HIS feelings changed? And then really listen Mysecretdiary: without the expectation of changing his mind or getting him to see your point. Is he sentimental about the ring now? did he get progressively angrier because he feels as though you’re “challenging” his taste? His gift? Did he think you’d dropped the subject not because you were debating your decision but because you’d grown to like the ering? Was he secretly relieved that you’d dropped it? Has he been harboring resentment because you expressed wanting to change it right away? Then ask him to tell you how he chose that ring for you. Did he think it was classy and elegant like you? Was he afraid of taking a chance and buying something you might not like? Is that the kinda ring his mom/sister has? 

    And then after you’ve listened to him ask him to simply listen to you. And just tell him that your taste IN JEWELRY is different. Not in him, relationships, etc. Express how you’re afraid that him being the only decision maker in something that so obviously concerns you is disconcerting (“will he take MY tastes/feelings/thoughts into consideration when I want X?”) especially since you expressed a desire to change it early on. Make sure you tell him it’s not about the money, or about asking him to pay for it.

    Then ask for some time so that you can both process what the other one said and reconvene much later (give it like two weeks or so) and talk again. Why? Because maybe after you’ve heard how he poured his heart, soul, time, energy and money into the ring you’ll feel differently about it. Maybe after he’s heard how you don’t love it as much as you love him he’ll change his mind and be more supportive. Maybe he’ll fess up that he just couldn’t AFFORD the side stones or the halo and feels bad about it. Maybe you’ll try out blingy bands and see that you can choose the wedding band of your dreams and keep the ering. Maybe you can keep that ering for the next five years or so and talk about changing it for a big anniversary. Maybe you’ll realize that he’s a “she should be grateful for anything I get her even if she doesn’t like it” kinda guy and you rethink your relationship. Maybe he’ll realize you’re a “I want what I want” kinda girl and he wants an “I want what he wants for me” kinda girl. Who knows! 

    But if you’re in a good relationship and you’re both willing to listen I’m sure something good will come outta this (be it a step in how you communicate, compromise, listen to each other, etc).

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