- 5 years ago
I don’t really know how to start this. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I think this is just an update. Maybe a vent? I’m not really sure. I just need to get this out.
We went to our first counseling appointment; I think it went really well, I suppose. Our counselor is awesome. She gave us a lot of strategies to help us communicate. She helped him understand where I was coming from and helped me understand where I was coming from, lol, if that makes any sense. She also told him that he absolutely needs to support any decision I make when it comes to my education, which made me feel better, even if I woke up and wanted to go to Harvard tomorrow. During the appointment, he was all for this idea, but at home, he had a little resistance, but was still supportive of the idea while subtly reminding me of how we would logistically make it work, which is a red flag for me. As you can tell from my other post, my education is #1.
My husband feels a lot of guilt because he was in denial that we had these problems for so long. This crushes me because if anything, I feel like it’s all my fault. I feel like I’m the one that didn’t know what I didn’t know until I knew it.
At the end of the appointment, though, she asked, “Do you want to stay with your wife?” And he said yes, and she asked me the same question, and I still can’t answer it. I still don’t know what I want. Granted, it’s only been a week and a half since all of this came to the surface. Since he found out that I was willing to leave, he’s been an angel of a husband. Serious. He’s done the dishes, taken care of all the laundry, cooked, all of that stuff. He’s cried, like a lot, which I’ve never seen him do.
I had made another appointment with an individual counselor for yesterday prior to all of this, so I went to that. She helped me put my feelings into words. Basically, she said that it’s like all of his little insults and negative comments over the years are like drips of water over my head that have slowly been eroding me down over time. That’s EXACTLY how I feel. Then she said “Play that out over 20 years. There will be nothing left of you.” I kinda already feel like there is nothing left of me.
We went through all the scenarios. If we divorce, what am I afraid of will happen; if we stay together, what am I afraid of will happen. I think my biggest fear is that if we stay together, I’m not sure I believe that he will never hold this whole thing against me. I think all the sacrifices he will have to make for me to go to school far away will eventually come back later in our marriage; financial sacrifices, family sacrifices, etc. He swears up and down that he never will, but he will say anything to keep me here right now. I also fear that in five years, I will just plain up regret staying with him. That he will revert back to his old ways. Obviously I know I can leave whenever, I’m just saying that the last year of my life has been miserable, how do I know I will be strong enough to recognize it and leave if the next six months of my life are miserable? If the next two years of my life are miserable?
If we divorce, my biggest fear is hurting him so badly. I just feel, like, such a horrible person for dragging him through all of my crap. I love his family. The hope of this possibly working is huge because things were so good once. It’s so hard to let go of that.
We reviewed the reasons to leave; the controlling behavior, the guilt trips, the demeaning behaviors, etc. He is now aware of them and wants to change. Swears he can. But I’m having a lot of trouble believing him. Especially because he gave me a guilt trip (which he says he didn’t mean to) since the counseling session!!!! Back story on the guilt trips: things from our past have been “coming up,” like the car we bought, the house he bought, etc, that he twists around to place blame on me to cut me down. These are bad. They cut deep. They need to stop.)
We also reviewed the reasons to stay. And…there aren’t many. I love him and he is good to me sometimes. Deep down, he really does love me too.
Counselor#2 said that it takes 90 days for them to show their true colors again. Give him 90 days and if any of his old behaviors start showing again, then I will know what I need to do. Luckily, he’s away for work right now for a month, so that’s good.. I guess I can sort out my emotions on my own. This is how I usually do things, but I’m just having trouble with it this time.
I have an individual counseling session with our marriage counselor on Thursday. I will talk to her about all of this but I’m having trouble functioning at work. I am so confused. Sad. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I don’t know what to do. I am sleeping 14 hours per day and want to take naps. Over the weekend I took three two hour naps and I’m still tired. I have no appetite. I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I could cry at any given second. I was driving for work on my lunch just now and holding back tears for. no. reason.
I just feel so alone.
Has anyone been through counseling, and did it work? Do people change?