Post # 1
So, when we got engaged back in February, we picked our attendants within the month. For the most part, I’m happy with the decision, but at the time, I was seeing my MOH about twice a week-once at church and once at youth group (we’re both youth leaders). Over the summer we had a youth event where she was just grumpy most of the time (when she’s stressed she gets like that) & since then, we haven’t talked too much. I found out a week ago that she’s going to a different church for personal reasons & not doing youth group because of her schedule-work, online masters degree, she has a bf & friends. Her parents live in PA (we live in NY), so she visits every other weekend or so. It’s not that I don’t expect them to have lives.
I’m not sure how to explain what I’m feeling, but I would like to have a MOH, an important role, that I have a good relationship with & see on a somewhat regular basis. I know I should talk to her, but I’m not really sure where I should start or what I should ask. I really don’t want her to blow it out of proportion (which she could easily do-she might just get defensive & mad right away) & I really don’t want it to be where she feels like I don’t want her (which she might just assume either). I pretty much have to talk to her at the right time to make sure she’s not stressed & just makes it worse than it is.
I know you guys will give me great advice-the FH isn’t offering many suggestions.
Thank you so much in advance!
Post # 3
She sounds really busy and probably really stressed. If she hasn’t been through a wedding before, she may have no idea about how you’re feeling — she may just be focussing on her own stuff and not specifically excluding you, but just having trouble fitting everything in. Has she been an MOH before? She may not really be aware of what you need her for and what your needs are.
Have you tried just regular calls/emails/lunches or whatever, just to show that you want to stay part of her life even if you don’t see her at scheduled events so much? As you say you don’t want to blow this out of proportion, and you also don’t want her to think your only interest in her is as your MOH.
Of course, if she doesn’t meet you halfway, doesn’t return your calls or never meets up, I think you’d be fully within your rights to have A Conversation about it — setting out how you’re feeling and your concerns.
Good luck! I’m really lucky with my bridesmaids, we’ve been close for years and since I got engaged we’ve been even closer.
Post # 4
She has been in weddings before- I’m not sure about MOH-I think I’ve heard her say that she hasn’t but has done the MOH duties of it in a wedding before (not sure of the situation).
I’ve kind of thought about doing that. Just want to see what suggestions the hive has too 🙂 Thanks!
Post # 5
I’m having a similar issue with my MOH. She lives in NJ and I in PA so we hardly get to see eachother. She was just the MOH in her sisters wedding so I understand if she is a little wedding burned out right now. We were supposed to meet up this summer but with her work schedule (she travels all over the country like ever other week or so) it just didn’t happen. I totally understand and am not upset with her, but sometimes I wish she was a little more into my wedding. When I do talk to her I try not to bring up the wedding and talk about other things and what is going on with her. I don’t want her to feel like everything is about me because honesly it isn’t. She has a life too. Every now and again she will ask a question or say how she needs the guest list for the shower. I also told her she doesn’t have to do the shower since she lives so far away but she said don’t be silly. So I know she wants to be my MOH it’s just she is crazy busy with work and has her own life.
I wish I could offer you some suggestions but I just try to meet mine half way and understand that she is just as busy with her own things and life. I would call her or email her (whatever you feel more comfortable with) and just see how she is in general…wedding aside. After all she was your friend first and also I would offer my support if she is going through a rough time.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t focus too much on what you’d like her to do as her role as the MOH. If you haven’t been seeing her a lot, I would focus on your friendship first. I’m not saying that you just want her to “do stuff for you” because I DON’T think that’s the case. But I think if you focus on your friendship, you can try to plan time to see each other and hang out. Go to lunch, try to see her more, see if you help relieve any of her stress, like normal friends would do.
Then, as you strengthen your friendship, you can start discussing your wedding & her role as MOH will naturally come up.
Post # 7
Hmm- I’m the MOH in my friends wedding in Nov. We used to talk all the time and see each other at least once a month. But lately I hardly talk to her. Why, because she is busy buying a house, moving and planning a wedding. I’m busy with selling the FI’s house, moving him into mine and planning our wedding.
I check in with her every now and then. She and I talk about how when things slow down we need to make it a point to start hanging out together again.
I would just approach her with that same attitude. Say something like, “I’m really looking forward to after the wedding and your Master’s work is done, so we can spend more time together.” That will let her at least recognize the lack of time spent together.
Post # 8
You guys are so helpful!
Yeah-at this point the wedding is in August, so I don’t need her for stuff at this point- I’ve actually been doing a lot on my own-but I really haven’t done too much yet 🙂 I’ll see what she has free & just make a couple times a month to have lunch or something.
Post # 9
Just an idea…and to make a suggestion, but not to sound condescending. I’m a mommy, my friends are mommies and we are all up to our eyeballs in kids activities, their husbands, my FI, working full time (most of my friends are teachers)-we realized that we get into the habit of SAYING that “we must get together” and then never getting together. And, we all realized that is not a habit that any of us want.
So-as you get more and more involved with wedding stuff and she does too-and your FIs and your own lives-make dates. Seriously! My girlfriends and I do this-alot easier said than done when babysitters have to be hired, etc., but we do it-brunch at one house this month on a Saturday morning and everyone brings something-no matter that we are moving Elmo’s and baby dolls off of the kitchen table or what ever condition our houses (and lives!) are in. It’s a good habit to get into as you go into getting married bc that time becomes much more fleeting and way more precious as you settle into married life. We make movie dates and actually do it-no matter how tired or busy we are-we were all supposed to see Time Traveler’s Wife and at least three of our kids collectively were sick, so we had to postpone that “date night with the girls”, but plans are in the works to see Fame!
Hope that doesn’t sound too preachy. Just “putting it out there”. 🙂