I don't think he knows about engagement rings…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

@lsimpson:  Since it seems like you haven’t actually asked him this yet, why not say, “Hey, honey, what would you personally like in terms of a wedding?”, just hypothetically. Not pertaining to you or anyone specifically, just find out what his “type” of wedding would be.

Post # 5
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

@lsimpson:  A lot of people don’t understand how much work weddings are! It’s really not unusual. I feel like I would start dropping hints about engagement and would probably just ask straight up, “are you planning to propose?”, but that’s just me and I get a bit unhinged at times. Do what feels right to you, if you don’t feel comfortable with asking straight up, then don’t. 

Post # 6
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you need to be open with him and communicate that you want things to be special for you.  Explain that special doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, but you want the full experience. You can’t just go along with things as though they are not important to you if they are, you will end up resenting him.  Use this as practice for when you are married and you need to talk about difficult topics.  Good luck!

Post # 7
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lsimpson:  You may be surprised to know that bended-knee/surprise proposals are not quite as common as we’d like to think they are 🙂 64% of women surveyed at one point by the Knot “knew the proposal was imminent.” As in: 64% of women knew when they’d be getting engaged before it happened. Less than 19% didn’t know about the ring and had no say in the proposal timing, if a formal one happened at all.

I think that quite a few couples (at least over here) just decide to get married and declare themselves engaged, so if that’s what he has in mind he really isnt that far out in space 🙂

However, if a formal proposal is important to you, I think it’s important you let him know that; and most importantly WHY 🙂

Regarding the wedding, I don’t think it’s very uncommon for a man to be totally clueless as to the work and money and time that goes into putting on together. I know there were a couple of things my FI was really surprised about! Sometimes you just have to lay it out there :-p

Post # 8
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@lsimpson:  that is how 90% of men are. don’t worry too much about it bc your boyfriend is not that unusual. 

also want you to remember that a marriage is not about a wedding. going down to the court house and getting married: there is nothing wrong with that! it doesn’t make things less “official” or special.

if it’s something you really have your heart set on, just talk to him about it, don’t sit there and spin your wheels. he’s most likely just unaware of how much you want to do something big. he prob just wants to marry you. that is how 90% of guys are. very few actually care about the wedding. they just indulge us. 

Post # 9
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I sounds like you need to actually talk about what exactly you want in detail. It sounds like he is totally oblivious. A discussion may do the trick.

Post # 10
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Talk with him. Explain what your hopes and expectations are (wedding and life), ask him what his hopes and expectations are (wedding and life), and the come up with a timeline to achieve them. If he doesn’t have a clue how long it takes to plan a reception, the educate him. Explain to him how venues and photographers book up a year or more ahead of time so that he starts to understand that these things require significant advance planning. If you take it from an end goal and then work backward to schedule all of the steps that lead up to that end goal, he will start to understand.

Post # 11
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Schatzie821:  +1


@lsimpson:  You just need to explain to him that a formal proposal is important to you. A ring (even inexpensive, if he must), getting down on one knee, and PLANNING IT PRIOR to asking you. It can’t be him just flinging it out on a whim.

Also. Even if you were together less time than that other couple (which I know you weren’t)… that shouldn’t matter. Tell him that your relationship shouldnt be judged on comparissions. Its your level of your relationship, not how long you have been together. Some people get there faster, some people get there slower.

One more thing… are you sure he wants to be married?

Post # 12
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lsimpson:  Talk to him about what you want and why. I was also with my SO for about nine years before he was ready for marriage. I went through a lot of heartache in those nine years while he was figuring out whether he wanted marriage, commitment, kids, etc. and I felt like him going to the effort of a nice proposal and picking a ring out together was part of what I needed to close that chapter of my life and finally feel like he had chosen me as his life partner. From what I could tell he originally wasn’t planning on having an official proposal, but I told him it was important to me and so he did it. And frankly, going through that process and seeing him put the effort in for me has made pretty much all my hurt and insecurities about the relationship from those years disappear, so I’m very glad he did.

I feel like if he hadn’t put any effort in and not bothered to listen to me I would have always had some anger and regret about it. When it comes to your husband you don’t want to feel like you “settled” and just sleep-walked into marriage, or worse, that you nagged him into it. Him putting forth some effort to make you feel special is just what you need to start a new chapter of your life together and put old demons to rest.

Post # 13
703 posts
Busy bee

@lsimpson:  my SO thought once you got married the wedding ring replaced the engagement ring! He actually said ” it’s a bit funny spending a lot on an e-ring when you wouldn’t wear it after the wedding” 

i don’t know if he is that dumb or he’s pretending to be that dumb! I think it’s just a lot of men! 

Post # 14
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@lsimpson:  You have to communicate.  You have to tell him what you want, why you want it, and what it will take to have the kind of wedding you want.  You have to lay out the timeline involved.  If he really “doesn’t get it,” then hinting around what you want won’t help him get it.  If he’s playing dumb, then you’ll know from the conversation whether or not he’s actually on the same page as you and if your relationship is going to move forward in the fashion you want.  But he’s not going to inuit what kind of proposal you expect and what kind of wedding you want from conversations about you not sticking around forever.  Getting married is a big enterprise.  You both need to sit down, discuss your expectations, and make decisions about how you get there.  It’s not romantic, but there’s nothing romantic about resenting your guy for not giving you what you wanted, either.  Whirlwind, surprise proposals are uncommon, as far as I know, and require a certain kind of person to pull them off.  If your guy is not that kind of person, you expecting him to be one isn’t going to make it happen.  It’s just going to lead to your hopes being dashed.  

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