Weddingbee boards

Hi everyone, I am a long time lurker but I am officially "waiting".

I have a child and live 70 miles from my boyfriend.  Due to me having a child who is in preschool, I will NOT relocate and move in with my boyfriend without an engagement.  This was made clear very early on in our relationship.  We have been together 18 months.  He is 36 and I am 31.  Neither of us has ever been married and I have a 5 year old boy who adores him.

I had some major issues over the summer and fall (July to November) that involved losing my job, and my son's father suing me for full custody due to my unemployment.  I spent 27,000 in attorney fees and I am close to declaring bankruptcy.  My boyfriend has been so loving and supportive during these awful times.  I also saw him through a major car accident (emergency surgery was needed and he was laid up for 3 weeks) that happened simultaneously to my job loss.  I feel good in knowing that we can get through anything.  It was truly AWFUL for both of us.  

The only major problem in our relationship is our sexual incompatibility.  My boyfriend is pretty much asexual.  He could go the rest of his life without it, but "gives in" for me.  Knowing that this is who he is, I accept it.  But it took an entire year of me feeling horrible about myself when he turns me down most of the time.  I blamed myself, though he says he is attracted to me.  My self esteem started to corrode over time, and when I lost my job and got sued, I became a monster.  We fought every week for this 5 month period.

Most of the time, I feel great about myself.  However, when I do not, I become nasty and needy .  I found a great job and things between us are wonderful.  We got through a very rough patch and he's been great, and yes, I can deal with the sex issue.  We are slowly trying to reach a compromise.

However, my boyfriend says he won't propose until he knows we can "get along" and go several weeks without fighting.  We haven't really had a fight since around Thanksgiving, so about a month now.  I pointed that out, but he stated that due to the long distance, that's not a good way to guage how we can get along.  It almost sounds like he is saying I have to move in first so I can "audition" the part of his wife!!!

Now that I am employed, we are back to seeing each other twice a week or so.  He claims it's impossible to find out if we are compatible seeing each other only twice a week.  He doesn't want to commit to me, only to have me move in and decide we don't get along.  He HATES fighting and has an extremely low tolerance for it.  Occasional disagreements are fine, but he won't tolerate consistent fighting.

In the 18 months we've been together, our "constant fighting" was for 5 months of it.  He is hanging onto this and somehow sees this as how we normally are.  He is forgetting that 99% of the time, we are getting along perfectly.  I don't get it!

Have any of you ever faced this?

For the record, my boyfriend makes well into the 6 figures.  He has helped me a TON with my attorney fees, but I still owe quite a bit.  If we get married, my "close to bankruptcy" status would not be an issue anymore.  So I don't think he is waiting for my finances to be in order before he pops the question.

First of all I want to say that I think its a good that you aren't immediately jumping to move in with him and uproot your child without a commitment. I don't have kids, but growing up in an unstable home has taught me a lot about what I do not want to subject my kids to.

Anyways, I feel like marriage is something that shouldn't be rushed. 18 months really isn't a long time. And from what I've read it looks like you spent the first year feeling horrible about yourself and then 5 months in arguments. I'm just an outsider looking in so I don't know the whole dynamic to your relationship, but if it were me I would want to wait it out and make sure it was really what was best for everyone.

Thanks for your replies, everyone!  When I read your responses, I see you all make good points.  It's pretty ridiculous that now we "fight too much" to consider engagement... which is fair enough.  But the fact that I have to spend days on end with him so he can "test" our relationship is kind of nutty!

Like I said, 13 out of the 18 months were fine, while 5 months were not so fine.  For those 5 months, we got in probably 3 fights each month, with about 5-6 fights in the month of November.  Each fight would last about a day, give or take.  No cheating, no lying, no abuse.  Just mainly me getting mad when he doesn't make me feel attractive and I had some jealousy issues with his female friends (who he is VERY close to).  His female friends only became a problem when the sex nearly stopped 6 months into our relationship.  I got jealous of every woman he came in contact with because we would go 2-3 months without having sex and I assumed he wanted to be with other women.  Now I know that the problem isn't me, but him.  He was like this his whole life with all his partners.  This is the only thing we have ever fought about: sex and jealousy and my inability to cope.  He is very good about figuring out how we can achieve happiness.  He really wants things to be great with us, and they have been for the past month.

@elivt: I want to marry him because he is wonderful!!!  Seriously, this person is my best friend ever.  He always puts me first, has never once lied to me, pretty much spoils me.  Plus he is great with my son and family and I love his family.  We are both vegan, and I know most people wouldn't care about something like that but to me it is huge that we share similar values.  He also tells me that if I want to be a SAHM after marriage, I could.  I didn't get that chance with my son and my boyfriend knows how much it would mean to me to care for our child full-time.  There are dozens of other things but there is no question he is the ONE for me.  He saw me through the hardest times of my entire life and was so supportive.

@LisaC:  The fighting didn't start until July of 2010.  We started dating in June of 2009.  Our entire first year didn't have a lot of fighting.  The fighting started when I lost my job and he had his accident.  Add that on top of me feeling sexually undesirable and it became a huge mess.  But we have worked through a great deal of these issues, including the sexual ones.  He has a really hard time desiring sex, and I know it's not me.  I run 3 marathons a year and I have all my teeth, etc.  I am attractive enough to be "wanted", and the problem is him.  We are going to begin counseling later this winter.  His idea!

I would love another child but I will be 32 next month and without an engagement, I am rolling the dice on whether or not I will ever get there!

I would like to propose to him.  I am seriously considering it.  If he says no, I'll know what to do.