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i know he loves me more then i love him <-- This is what caught my attention the most.
Don't get married because of the wedding. I know it is probably a lot of pressure and guilt, but wouldn't you rather be honest and save the man some heartbreak? I'm sure he'd much rather have an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife. People might be upset, but anyone with both of your best interests at heart will put up and shut up.
What you're describing sounds like a lot more than cold feet. I know it's not easy, but if you don't love him or want to be with him, you should walk away. Marriage is tough for two people who love each other. Marrying someone you don't love will only make both of you miserable. You both deserve to be happy. He deserves a wife who really wants him and you deserve a husband that makes you glad you're married. There are other fish in the sea and when you meet the right guy, you'll be happy being with him. Remember that divorce is a whole lot more expensive and difficult than cancelling a wedding
Honey..I had all of those same feelings before I married my ex-husband...andobviously didn't act on them. :/ Sadly, that relationship didn't work out. If I had figured out sooner, it would have saved us both a lot of heart ache.
He loved me more than I ever lived him.
I had ZERO sex drive with him by month 6...and by year 6...we didn't even kiss anymore. We never fought or anything, but the physical intimacy just wasn't there.
After the divorce andI after I met the right guy, I realized there was much more that was wrong with that relationship than originally thought.
Good luck making your decision. Hugs!!!
I have gone in an out of feeling like this; I have talked to my best friend (who is also my Maid of Honor) and the thing she reminded me was that May 26th is not a deadline and it is just money. Money can be made back but your life is a one time thing. @AmeliaBedelia is right; he would much rather an ex-fiancee than an ex-wife. If you do not feel 100% right now then I say you should really dig deep and seriously think about walking away--money aside. Talk to him, talk to his mom, your best friend, someone you trust; however, they should not tell you what to do, they should only help you weigh the options. Do not let anyone talk you in our out of anything; you must make the decision because you are the one who will have to live with it--not them. Do what you need to do--I know you'll find the right answer.
I have had these thoughts before in my 20's. I became the runaway bride which was worse than losing some $$. I was engaged 5 times since then and now finally at almost 50yrs old I have found my true love and I will get married for the first time. Trust your heart!
@danymarie: What stood out to me was when you said you tried to discuss these feelings with him but couldn't. Many more difficult topics will come up through the course of a marriage; if you can't talk to him now, it's not going to get any better.. Marriage is a huge committment, and you sound very clear about not being ready to commit!
You have to be fair to both of you. You aren't ready to get married, at least not to this guy. And he's ready to be married - perhaps he's overlooking the flaws of the relationship for the sake of having a marriage. But going through a divorce will be much more emotionally and financially challenging than calling off a wedding. I would suggest you do right by both of you and call it off. I imagine you love him, even if he's not the right one for you in marriage? If you do love him, spare him now and tell him the truth of your feelings.
Lastly, to your statement that later when you're ready to settle down, you'll think you let a good one get away. You can't think of it like that. Yes, you'll have let a good one 'get away' but the one who is right for you, at the right time, will come along and you'll be glad you let the good one get away, I promise. Also, you're allowing your FI to go and find the girl who is head over heals for him, which is what he deserves as well.
It's a difficult situation, regardless - good luck and be strong!
My FI has been married before. I asked him if, at any time, he felt it was wrong and he said "the entire time". He proposed because he felt he had to (they had been together 5 years, family was pressuring him, it was the next step, etc), and he thought that maybe, perhaps, not being completely happy and missing his "old life" was normal.
It's not!
My FI says that when she walked down the aisle he had a knot in his stomach, knowing it was a bad idea.
Their marriage lasted 9 months before she revealed she was a lesbian and wanted a divorce.
Almost 3 years later, they are both happy, without each other! Last I heard (and likely last he heard) she is living with a new gf, and I am getting married this summer. When I asked him if, honestly, he has had any issues or concerns about marrying me, he said it was a completely different feeling.
I know you are going to lose money pushing it back, but it seems you have a lot of issues to work through before you even consider marrying your FI. I recommend postponing it, seeing a counciller, and re-evaluating if he is the one or the one along the way.
@JuniperSage: ditto.
OP, walk away now. Like the others said, this isn't just cold feet. This is your heart/gut/brain screaming that this relationship isn't right for you. It's not fair to him or yourself to continue on despite knowing it's not the right thing. Losing even thousands of dollars now is far cheaper than dealing with the pain and expense of divorce down the road.
It's a LOT easier to call off a wedding than to get a divorce- and cheaper too. Don't worry about the money. Doing what's best for you (and honestly, for HIM in the long run) is what's important. Good luck, I know you will both be happier in the future.
I'm 24 as well and I have never feel as though I'm too young to get married. But then again, I was never the going out type and I am more or a homebody so I never look back and think "man, I wanna get drunk and dance with hott guys tonight," With that being said, if you still feel that way, it could possibly be cold feet. But it could also mean you aren't ready maturity wise to get married, or you just arent ready to be married to him.
As far as the whole no friends thing goes, it isn't really his fault that you no longer have any friends. It's not his responsibility to uphold friendship previous to the relationship, it's yours. And it is okay to go out without him if he doesn't drink. No one said 2 people had to do the exact same thing all of the time. It's very healthy to be your own person, married or just in a relationship.
I also think the fact that you are not very sexually attratvice to him is VERY unhealthy. Not to be weird, but I look at my FI and I want to jump his bones all the time. I could have sex all day everyday with him and that still would not be enough for me. I think that the emotional aspects of the relationship are great but you also need to have a healthy physical relationship, IMO. If you don't feel this way about your FI, he isn't for you.
Don't get married for the sake of money or embarssment. It would cost more money to go through with the wedding and then get divroces months later. If you feel that deep in your heart this isn't right, be fair to him and yourself and call it off. You both deserve to be happy.
Good luck!
I agree with the others - don't get married just because you've already put out money for a wedding. PLEASE!!! You both deserve to be happy and crazy in love, and its just not fair to marry him with the way you are feeling.
Oh honey, you need to listen to your heart. Take a step back, re-read your post and ask yourself...if this were your BFF telling you all of this, what would you tell her? It sounds like he's a great guy, just not the guy for you. It's so much easier to get out of the relationship now than when you're married. Money isn't everything, and I'm sure your parents would be happier that you stopped this now rather than with a divorce down the line.
I'm a little older than you (26), but my "plan" was always to wait until I was 30 to get married, so I can empathize with feeling "too young". Also, 99% of my girlfriends are single, so I watch them go out to bars, etc etc, and sometimes I do miss that life.
BUT I also absolutely adore my FI and can't even for a minute imagine my life without him. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world that he actually wants to marry me.
And THAT is how you should feel....you are about to marry the man you want to be with forever! And if you don't think he's it, then you need to stop now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more difficult for everyone to understand....24 may be young to get married, but it's also awfully young to already have a divorce.
I remember my Mom joking with me a few weeks before I got married that if I needed to, I could walk down the aisle and say no. She gets along great with my husband and it wasn’t that she was unsupportive of me getting married.
It was just her way of being my Mom and trying to show her unconditional love before “letting me go.” And I truly believe if I had said right then that I didn’t want to get married, it would have been okay. The sun would have come up the next day, my parents would still love me, life would go on, the world would not end.
I said yes, and have been happily married for a year.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t get married. Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn’t, and maybe you just need more time to figure it out. But if are really in a place where you feel like you must get married, confide in someone you trust. I think you’ll find more support than you think. I truly hope so.
And if you do get married, don’t do it until you can tell yourself you could have said no, but chose to say yes.
I'm going to agree with everyone else here: do NOT get married if it isn't right. You'd be hurting him, your loved ones, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: yourself.
A close friend of mine just got divorced and I can assure you calling off a wedding is not going to be as expensive as going through a divorce. The horrors that can come with divorce are astronomical.
And as JM1217 said, age is not a huge factor when you are marrying the person you truly want to be with. I'm 23 now and got married at 21. And we KNEW that we wanted to be married. I didn't feel "like a bird in a little box" and we did not/do not have any regrets about giving up our single life.
If you aren't sure, please, please, please do not feel pressured to get married. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you listen to your heart!
So I know everone is saying call if off so I just wanted to give you a little something different to think about, you said:
We dont go out to bars or concerts and this was my life before, he does not drink never has, and i have absolutely no friends, so i cant just go out with the girls. I literally sit at home all day, and then when he comes home i am with him and then he goes to bed and it begins again the next day.
Do you think this is why you feel like you miss being single? Do you think you would feel differently if you guys had friends and went out? I have to say my fiance is an extrovert and I'm more of an introvert but I think it's good because it's a nice balance. Maybe if you just drag him out or maybe you guys could join a social club or something to get you two out and meeting people. It sounds like you are just bored. As far as the sexual thing, you might just be in a slump or maybe bcause you guys just sit in all the time is making you not in the mood.
I hope you figure this all out!!
Don't put a price on your happiness. Don't say that because X money has been spent, you need to go through with this when you aren't ready.
If you don't feel ready, you absolutely can put it on hold! You don't need to call it off, you don't need to break up, but if you don't feel ready you can absolutely put it on hold.
It sounds like part of the problem is that you're isolated; you said you don't really have friends with you now. That would make it really hard to feel confident and complete, and it will also make it harder to push back the wedding date if your FI is the only person you really have a significant relationship with.
I agree with prior posters. You absolutely cannot move forward with your wedding plans given the way that you feel. It would be profoundly unfair to everyone concerned -- including you. As hard as it is to lose all of that money and risk hurting your FI, marrying him under these conditions would be exponentially worse. I broke an engagement many years ago, and it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. However, I am so thankful that I had the courage to do it.
Personally, I don't think you're in love with him. Forget about family, friends, money or anybody else and think about what you want. There's no sense in living unhappy. If you move forward with this wedding things will only get worse. Don't enter an unhappy marriage it's unfair to you and your FI. I've watched the people around me do it for year and now they can't get those years back. Don't look back on your life and say you wished you had that time back. I hope you do whats best for you.
I would hiighly reccomend just calling off your wedding ( and breaking off), not postpone. You are in no way shape or form ready to be in a relationship let alone an engagement with a pushed back wedding.
A divorce is a really expensive and incredibly heartbreaking way of saying what you already know in your heart today.
Also think about your fiancee. Your hurting him as well.
Have you done any premarital counseling or read any marriage books? The thing that struck me most was:
We dont have the same interests, it is kind of like we are just two people that get along but if i had other friends i dont think i would consider him my best friend i just think he is because of default.
In my personal opinion your spouse should be your best friend, the person you share everything with and don't want to be away from! My favorite quote is: "Love is friendship set on fire" so that sums up how I feel about it pretty well!
Just from reading your post I gather that you don't sound very happy in this relationship. Have you talked to him about it? If you admit that "he loves you more than you love him" I think that will grow to be a big problem in the future and it really isn't fair to him if you marry him just because you now feel that you have to. Like PP's said, it's only money. Sure people might get angry at you now but would you rather have people upset for a short time or be in a miserable marriage? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone you are head over heels for, and he should be able to have the same.
This happened to me when I was 22. I was with a guy who was 4 years older, we had been dating for 2.5 years. I started to feel trapped and suffocated. He told me he was shopping for rings and I kept feeling like I was locked in a cage. My family loved him, my friends loved him, and everyone assumed we would get married. I had the same feelings that you are describing and the best thing I ever did was to break up with him.
It was so hard at first, but ultimately I am so much happier. I was single for a few years after that until I met DH when I was 26. It sounds like you need time to live on your own and experience the fun of your 20's. I wouldn't give back my "single" years for anything, I really learned who I was and what I wanted.
This sounds like a recipe for an unhappy several years of marriage and most likely divorce.
I used to love going out with my girlfriends and loved living it up, but I gave it up because I felt like I was moving on to something better and haven't looked back because it has been better.
Honestly, if you are feeling like this and are able to articulate it so fully, you already know what you should do. I don't agree with the statements others have made about not being fair to everyone including yourself. If you feel this way and don't do anything about it you are being quite terrible to everyone involved when you could have done something about it but weren't brave enough to deal with what needed to be done (whether that be communicating with your FI, postponing, canceling, breaking up, whatever) instead of letting it slide because you can't face it. Sorry if this is harsh, but like a PP said, marriage will require communication on a lot more difficult things than this and more difficult situations that you will face as a team. This is a difficult situation to be in, but you have the power to do something about it.
I was reading your otherpost aboutyour ring, then i saw this one. You poor thing. It sounds like you already made up your mind...maybe the ring is just a symptom? Like when Aidan gave Carrie the yellow gold pear and it was just like "so not me"...
You never wrote, but why are you getting married? Don't answer me, but like what is in your heart? I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle unless it felt like this is my soul mate. If you don't really love him, or don't find yourself attracted to him, or don't see a future with him as your family, then its time to say something. I mean calling off a wedding is cheaper than a divorce!
I would just be honest with him that you aren't sure about things, or maybe go to a couples counselor so you have a mediator to get it out? That way if it is just cold feet, you can air those feelings and move on, and if it is something more then you can do it in a safe setting and talk it out together.
Honestly, it sounds like you're just not compatible. I know you've spent thousands of dollars already, but that's hardly a reason to get married. You're just going to spend more cash in the future getting divorced if this is the way you feel about this guy.
This doesn't sound like cold feet to me. You admitted he loves you more than you love him. Not to mention the fact that the relationship doesn't necessarily sound right for you. The fact that you have no friends outside of him and you're not going out and having fun says something to me. You ARE young, you should be experiencing life. I'm only 25 myself, and Danny is 23, but we have tons of friends, go to shows and concerts, go to bars, go to parties, go dancing, generally just have fun. It sounds like you're not doing ANY of this and you're WANTING to. The fact neither of you really have friends and you're really wanting them is kind of alarming to me. Danny is my best friend, but he is my best friend because we have so much fun together and he's my favorite person! Not just "by default."
Do what you feel is right, but don't stay in a relationship just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. You have to do what's right for YOU.
You'll know when you are "old enough" to get married...it's when you finally trust and follow your gut, even when you have to do something really difficult.
Don't marry him!
If you aren't ready to make the final break, at least postpone. Call your vendors and see if you can transfer your deposit to another date.(My venue allowed you to postpone up to a year without losing your deposit.) Then get into individual counseling (you don't need couples counseling).
Good Luck!
If you're not ready or not sure, don't go through with it. I know it'll be hard to lose money and maybe you feel embarrassed to call off the wedding, but those are not reasons to go through with something that you know isn't right. In the long run, you'll be better off if you follow your gut now. I know someone who, on the day of his wedding, confided in his brother that he didn't feel right about it. His brother said, "Listen, you don't have to do this, you don't have to go through with it." But he just said, "Everyone is already here," and went ahead and got married. He ended up getting divorced, and has now been married to someone else for over 20 years. He knew it wasn't right, and he could have saved a lot of heartache if he hadn't gone through with it.
I know this will be tough, and I wish you the best.
I would suggest that at the very least that you should try talking to a couples counselor with your FI before the wedding to see if that helps you feel better about things.
I will say that I know someone who felt that she didn't really want to get married but that it was "too late" to cancel the wedding, and she divorced.
My belief is that some relationships are based on passion and some are based on deep friendship. I think there is something to be said about a relationship built on friendship, because passion often doesn't last forever. However if you are being 100% honest with yourself when you say that you don't even think that your fiance would be your best friend if you had any lady friends, then I think that is a big red flag.
I saw your engagement photos in a different post. You're beautiful! I'm sure that a lot of men out there would be interested in you. If you truly don't feel like this guy is the right one, he's not the only chance you have. No relationship is perfect, but you don't have to settle for someone who truly doesn't seem right.
I am a few years older than you and I am already amazed at how fast life goes by. You're only going to be young once. Live the life you want to live, because you only get one chance to live it right.
Hey everyone, thanks for posting. This has been a rollercoaster of a ride. I must admit I am going to miss being single and it may be hard but i just cant help but think that he is good for me. I have commitment problems, and he has talked to me about all the issues i stated in my post. We both read all of your comments together and like i said even though i feel like i might "miss out" on certain things a single girl would be able to do, I think that it will be better to be with him then with out him.
I stated that he didnt propose right, so he went and got me a different ring and is going to propose different for me, so it will be like starting over. I cant imagine anyone being that sweet to me ever again.
I kept thinking would what i be giving up be better then what i would get without him, and I cant say yes. He has helped me get into school and be motivated to better my life. So even though this isnt the life i thought i would be living it isnt going to be a bad one. Just because i am not single doesnt mean i have to stop having fun.
I really hope that i can do this, he is a great guy and i hope that i can make him as happy as he makes me.
Good Luck, I hope you are really doing the right thing for both of you, hope it works out...
As someone who is divorced, I say stop the wedding now before it is too late. Breaking up is hard to do, but I promise you that getting divorced it a millions times harder not to forget more costly (mentally, emotionally, physically, monetarily). Although going into my wedding I can't say I ever had a strong feeling telling me not to do it, but I can say that there was something that just didn't feel quite right. What that something was I had no idea because there was nothing outwardly "wrong" with our relationship or with him so it was pretty easy to ignore. But the wedding day came, and I can honetly say that when he and I first saw eachother, at that very moment I knew something was wrong but I still had no idea what it meant. I didn't like how he looked at me, or more accurately how he didn't look at me. There was no sparkle in his eye, no amazement or awe. I felt let down and a little sad even. But at the time I took it to be just part of his personality so I let it go. I look back at that moment now and I realize that that was my sign. Fast forward to today, I am getting married in May to a man who from the moment we met has looked at me with awe and amazement every single day. His eyes sparkle when he sees me. Please, at the very least post-pone the wedding to give yourself some more time to think things through. Don't ignore your inner voice. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself and to him. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose.
It really sounds like you're not even in love with him :(
Marrying someone just because they're a nice guy doesn't seem very smart-
There are plenty of Really nice guys who are also really attractive--I never understand when women say they are attracted to assholes because they're 'hot'.
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i know everyones situation is different and i tried to read other peoples to see if this is normal but i just dont know. ok here it goes. I am 24 now and i still feel "too young" to get married. No one is telling me this i just feel like i am. I was always in a relationship and i had about two years where i was single and LOVED it, i had so much fun, sure sometimes i got lonely but now i feel like i have NO life. I look back at my old life and often find myself saying things like "back when i had a life" or "man i miss thos times" i just feel like my life is over. We dont go out to bars or concerts and this was my life before, he does not drink never has, and i have absolutely no friends, so i cant just go out with the girls. I literally sit at home all day, and then when he comes home i am with him and then he goes to bed and it begins again the next day. We do fun things like amuzement parks but as far as just letting loose and having a good time, it doesnt happen. We dont have the same interests, it is kind of like we are just two people that get along but if i had other friends i dont think i would consider him my best friend i just think he is because of default.
Another issue, this may be a little personal but it all kinda goes in, so i have very little sex drive with him. I am just not attracted to him like that, he is good looking but in actually he is not exactly my type. The problem with my type is they are "pretty" on the outside but jerks on the inside, so i tried something new and he is a great guy no joke and then we got engaged but i just dont know. He didnt even propose to me like any way shape or form that i wanted. I wanted down on one knee with some sweet words. I woke up and he was trying to put the ring on my finger and that was that, no down on one knee no hot air ballon ride no nice dinner no nothing!
We have spent everyday together since we met, and sometimes i feel like i am just a bird being kept in this little box and i cant fly.
So here is the issue, i would just push back the wedding date, but we are getting married in may. We have already spend thousands of dollars, and all of our family and friends that are comming are flying in and have already booked their tickets for hundreds of dollars literally, and i think it is too late. Am i just second guessing everything or am i really not ready to be a bride, I admit i may have commitment problems but i just think he is such a nice guy and deserves someone who will love him as much as he loves them back and i know he loves me more then i love him. I have tried to talk to him about this but i dont know how to do it without hurting his feelings really bad.
I know people that are singe wish they were in a relationship but i just miss being single. As of right now i am in so deep that if I call off the wedding I would not be able to stay with him, but i know if i let him go, because he is such a great person, one day when i was ready to settle down i would think to myself damn i let a good one go.
I am soooooo f*n confused i really really am. HELP!