Post # 1
We have less than a year before our wedding. We had a long engagement (almost 2 years.) In the beginning of the engagement everything was great and blissful. But a lot of things have changed in my life (tragedies.) And I don’t feel that I’m the same anymore.
Now, whenever I look at wedding photos, I can’t picture the happy couples as us. I don’t look at him the same way anymore. Do you guys think this is just temporary? We still have a year before the big day. Or, is this a major sign that I shouldn’t be getting married??
Post # 3
Whenever you go through big life changes, it is totally normal to feel lost or confused…but the thing that separates that from a permanent change is understanding. Have you talked to your FI about it? How about friends and family close to the both of you?
And what is it that makes you not feel the same? Obviously, things cannot be amazing 100 percent of the time, but do you want to get it back to where it was? These are all things you want to consider before making any decisions or more big changes =)
Post # 4
what is it that makes you feel you won’t be a happy couple? Are the two of you not happy together, or are you stressed with planning the wedding?
it’s hard to conjecture, without knowing your circumstances or the situation or at least more details, whether things will change or not in a year’s time!
Post # 5
Anniebear, I am not sure what is going on exactly, but I wanted to let you know that we all support you here. Wedding planning can be stressful on a relationship especially when you have other big things happening in your life. Try to tell us more about what is going on, or maybe have a talk with FI might help?
Post # 6
Hugs! are you possibly just overwhelmed and a little scared about the big step your life is taking? Even though it’s a year away, your life will change SO much in a year.
Whatever has happened in your life, tragedies can have a great affect on how we see things. I know, for me, stuff like put my wedding in perspective. It suddenly wasn’t *the most important thing in the world*. Is it possible it’s just the stark difference of extreme happy vs sad that has you thrown for a loop?
But if you aren’t looking at him the same way anymore, I can see how you’d think not marrying him will help. Why do you think he’s changed, to you?
Post # 7
I think the bee’s are on to something. It could be possible that with all of the recent tragedies that you’ve been facing you’re just not happy in general. Things like that make you look at everything in your life differently and its not good to make any drastic changes while still dealing with them. I think your best bet right now is to have full disclosure with your FI, let him know how you feel. Maybe you also just need an unbiased person to talk to and sort your feelings out. Also, do you think its possible that the wedding your planning has become something you don’t want? That sucks the fun right out of the process too.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies! I appreciate your kind words. Well, my life has changed in a series of ways: I had a falling out with friends whom I’ve known for two decades, so I had to deal with losing them as bridesmaids and my support unit. I got demoted at work because of cut backs, my department shut down and they stuck me in a new department where I feel insignificant and treated like crap, not to mention it’s triple the stress. My grandfather had a sudden death, I didn’t even get to say goodbye because I’ve been so consumed and busy by my new job. And now my grandmother is dying too. I just feel like everything is happening all at once. And the fact that I don’t have my friends anymore makes me feel more alone than ever. I feel like because of my circumstance, it’s hard for me to be as understanding as I used to be, and now his family’s antics are getting on my nerves more than ever.
I actuallly had a talk with him about his lack of compassion for my suffering. At first, he didn’t know how to handle my depression, because I’ve always been energetic and positive. My depression was something new to him, and he didn’t know how to give the kind of support that I needed. But we’ve talked it over and that issue is resolved. He said he will always try his best to do whatever it takes to make it work.
But now, it’s his family. They are really getting on my nerves, making us obligated to attend family functions, always demanding of my fiance’s time. I need him now more than they do, and he doesn’t get it! I don’t have the patience for his family anymore. And lately I’ve been asking myself, “do I really want these people in my life forever??!” When it’s just me and him we can get through anything. But the reality is, it’s NOT just me and him. They come with the package too. I can’t stand these people. I don’t have the energy to put up with them anymore. It’s gotten to the point where, when I think of him all I feel is resent because of his family. And now when I look at wedding photos and see couples who are happy and blissful, I just don’t see it as something we can be anymore, because I start to think about what he’s bringing into my life… which is his family! All I feel is resent. I don’t know how to get out of this depression and frustration. I just don’t want to make a HUGE mistake and end up with a miserable marriage. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words.
Post # 9
Can you talk to FI about how his family is affecting your relationship and about your concerns for the future? It’s possible that, once you’re married, even though they are technically your family, you’ll sort of “have the power” and can veto seeing them all the time. How does your FI feel about his family? Do they drive him nuts, too?
Post # 10
O my goodness, I’m so sorry, it sounds like you truly love your FI and want to be with him, but you don’t wanna “marry” his family.
Maybe you could go over some boundaries and guidelines with FI about his family and just give it a few months, maybe say for xyz amount of time lets try these rules that might help make you feel better, and then evaluate at that later point.
I agree with Kitty about the veto power, that might come into play when your married, but there’s not a way to know for sure.
Whatever you decide, you and FI are a team and need to set groundwork for dealing with family that your both comfortable with. You should really talk to him, he sounds willing to try and help you feel better.
Post # 11
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope your grandma gets better. I’m going thru this type of thing too so I understand. And imho, this is all a result of your stressors and your feeling overwhelmed and also undewhelmed by the job changes and lack of feeling supported right now.
I agree with Br1tsh1ningstar in that you should both sit down and have a heart to heart talk and he needs to understand you need support right now. His family is important but you are to be his wife and right now YOU need him there with you for support.
Wishing you the best. Again I think life is being viewed through a filter of stress right now. You’ve endured some life changing events in such a quick time and it will take time to work through it and process it. But with love and him understanding the real need for support, I think things will turn around for the both of you.
Post # 12
All of that is terrible and I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for you. A couple of years ago I was in a position where I hated my job, and that one thing made the relationship harder.
Do you think if you spoke with his family members things would get better? Maybe if they had an understanding of your feelings they would be more sensitive. What specifically is it that his family does to get you so upset?
This is a hard topic because on one hand I feel like, “its his family so let him deal with it.” and on the other hand I feel like it would be better to integrate yourself and become part of the family too. I think everyone deals with this struggle on some level. You are not alone!
How far along are you in the planning process? Maybe you just need to postpone it until you start feeling better and you can be happy about the whole planning process.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
I am soo sorry to hear about all your stresses. It sounds to me that you have a lot on your plate right now and adding in what your future family could add is a lot for you. I think what you need to ask yourself is when you take out his family and it’s just him do you see the happy couple?
I understand that no one has a perfect family and that it is often true that the inlaws are depicted as some crazy force of nature to be feared. I have the crazy family in my relationship and this has been a root of great stress for my fiance. Especially when he was first having to get adjusted to them. There was a point where he realized marrying me would mean become part of my disfunctional family and this scared the crap out of him. Through time and patience he realized that it wasn’t enough to deter him from a life with me (which I am grateful for). Fortunately we aren’t living in the same town as my family (otherwise we might both lose it!) but I could imagine having that or any stress can make a person feel different.
It does sound to me that you may be depressed and depression can lead you to feel disconnected and very alone. I know from my own experiences that you will feel lost and like you have nowhere to go. I would suggest that you take some time to take care of yourslef and perhaps seek counseling. You may think that this depression will fade on its own and that you can make it through,but you may very well wake up one day not recognizing the person you have become. I do hope you talk to your fiance and try and figure out an action plan on getting you back to you.
I hope this post makes sense and that what I say can help you in some way. I wish you my best XOXO
Post # 14
Hugs to you. I know how it feels to have a falling out with close friends. That happened to me in high school and again in college, but I had other amazing friends and friends I’ve made since who are amazing! Just think, these friends of yours couldn’t be that great if the friendship could be over because of a falling out. There are other amazing people out there who won’t let anything come between friendship!
In regards to your FI’s family, I totally understand the resentment. But, try to separate FI from his family. It’s not his fault, the family he was born into. And just think, your FI is amazing even with the family that he has! You and your FI will start building your own family soon. Yes, when you marry, his family and baggage come with, but soon you and he will be building your own family unit. As long as he understands that he needs to back you up with regards to his family, and that you and him are a team, it should all work out (it might be painful and annoying at times, but…a lot of us are right there with ya!)
Post # 15
Thank you to each and every one of you ladies who were took the time to reply to my post. Your support has truly uplifted me and I appreciate all of you. I’ll be taking all of your advice and comments as I try to emerge from this difficult time in my life. I saw my grandmother yesterday and the doctor said she has days left, if we are lucky. The worst is clearly not over, but again your support has truly uplifted me.
Bellenga, you are absolutely right, I’m looking at life through a filter of stressors right now and I’ll have a talk with my fiance and hopefully make him understand this.
Bluebutterfly, thank you for sharing your story about your fiance’s adjustment to your family. I guess if I really think about it, I really do not want to give up a lifetime with him just because of them, though at the moment I am disconcerted by the thought of having them in my life… forever. I don’t know, it’s something I have to figure out.
Thank you ladies a thousand times 🙂
Post # 16
Annie – bless your heart! Hugs to you. I’ve had a tough year too (but not nearly as bad as yours). I agree with previous posters – you sound depressed and when you are depressed its easy for things to spiral and then you feel worse not better. Talk to your doctor about this (he/she might want to put you on a mild anti depressant until things are better) and you might want to consider counseling as well.
Its most important that you and FI are on the same page. Guys need you to spell things out sometimes so be very specific about how you feel and what you need from him. That way he can be there to help. If you feel his family is too much, you need to tell him. That way he can support you if you need to back out of family functions.
And during all of this, make sure you make time to take care of yourself (get the sleep, exercise, healthy foods you need).