Post # 1
I’m fairly new to this site and only have a few posts. The first post was about the passing of my youngest brother back in August. It has been the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I’m sure you are wondering where my MOH comes in to this situation. Let me give a little background info.
In late July my brother’s pediatrician sat down and told us it was time to look into end of life care for him. He had been slowly declining over the last year but it was still very difficult to know that it is actually happening. On August 1st my mom called a hospice that handles pediatric patients and that day we were given a prognosis of 2 weeks. On that day I sat down with my FI and mother and decided that continuing with our Sept. 20th wedding was out of the question. We all agreed that postponing was the best thing to do. That day I made calls to my wedding party to inform them on the situation and to let them know that we would not be getting married in Sept. The phone calls were hard to make but everyone was very supportive.The only one who really didn’t have any words of comfort was my MOH. Her exact words were “That sucks”.
My MOH who shall remain nameless is/was my best friend for the last 10 years. We spent a lot of time at each others houses. I have always been there for her in any of her times of need. I even offered for her to move in with me when she found out she was pregnant and it was not planned. Once I was engaged I knew no one else could be my MOH but her.
Fast forward to the present time. It is now over 3 months since my brother passed away and I have not heard from her since that phone call on Aug 1st. Not one call, not a txt, and she didn’t go to any of his services. She basically dropped off the face of the earth. I am so hurt and upset that she couldn’t just call to give any condolences. How could she not want to reach out when I told her my brother only had 14 days to live. My brother only made it to 10. I’m not sure if any of you bee’s have had to go through the experience of having a loved one on hospice but to describe it as heart-wrenching is an understatement.
I know many of you will ask if she knows he passed and yes she does. Her older brother is very good friends with my FI and even he called to send his condolences. I have thought up every excuse for her behavior and nothing can justify it. I know she is doing well because her older brother hangs out with my FI and said health wise she is fine. I just can’t believe her behavior. I have started the hard process of re-planning my wedding for February and I don’t plan on having her as a MOH, bridesmaid, or guest because at this point I don’t ever want to speak to her again.
My question to you is, MOH paid for her dress but was too lazy to pick it up so I did and I have it in my possession. We have no contact at this point and I would like for it to stay that way. I have asked my FSIL to be a bridesmaid in her place and she has accepted. Do I give the dress to my FSIL? Do I drop it off at the Ex-MOH’s house? What do I do?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Post # 3
Is it possible she really doesn’t know what to say or how to act in this situation? Some people really just shut right down and are so unsure of what to say, they say nothing. If you miss her, talk to her about it. If you are over it, let it be, give the dress to someone and carry on.
Also, sorry about what you’re going through with all this. 🙁
Post # 4
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Thats a very difficult thing to go through. I wish your friend had been more supportive when you needed her. If I were you, I would simply put the dress in a flat rate box and mail it to her. No need to go to her house or contact her. If youve cut her off and you make contact it could start some drama that you dont want or need to deal with.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
First of all, my condolences. I can’t imagine how hard this all must have been for you.
Second, don’t even worry about her or her dress. Personally, I would stick it in a closet. If that so-called friend is worried about money she paid for it, she can come and ask for it. You could pass it along through someone else.
Without some kind of MAJOR explanation, I don’t think I’d be able to speak to her again either, much less invite her to the wedding.
I have no idea why people act the ways they do. Who has time for people like that? Move on with your wedding without giving her a second thought. And I wish you all the best.
Post # 6
@danisalci13: I am so very sorry both for your loss and for this situation with your friend. All I can say is that my grandma had a somewhat similar experience with one of her oldest friends when my granddad died this summer. She went to see the friend and the friend did not mention my granddad’s passing or offer condolences AT ALL in the hour and a half it took before my grandma exploded with rage and left. She has found that her true friends have been there for her and other friends have fallen away. I hope you also have people you can count on In your life. I would send the MOH a cheque for the dress since she paid for it, and then just let her fall out of my life – but I understand it’s heartbreaking to do.
Post # 7
@danisalci13: courier the dress to your ex-MOH’s home, or if it’s too late to order a new dress for your FSIL, just give her the dress. If your ex-MOH is so heartless as to ask after the dress, send her a cheque for the value of the dress.
I’m very sorry about the passing of your brother, and the sadness experienced by your family. It’s times like these that you realize the true value of friendships and become aware of who you can really rely on. If dealing with you ex-MOH is bringing you any additional anguish, then pretend she doesn’t exist for the remainder of your wedding planning. Her behaviour toward you is inexcusable.
Post # 8
@prahajess: I agree with this.
Post # 9
@danisalci13: I am so sorry for your loss. There is no excuse for her behaviour. The only thing I can think of, which still doesn’t justify it, is that she isn’t sure what to say. Death makes everyone uncomfortable and feel awkward; there are no words to make it better. Most people would rather avoid the situation – however, most people don’t even though it is what would be easiest for them.
Even if she didn’t know what to say, she still should have said something, anything. I wouldn’t want to speak to her again. If she dares to ask about the dress, tell her to come pick it up and that it is on the side of the road – where she belongs with the other garbage!
Post # 10
My sincerest condolences for your loss, I cannot even imagine.
Move on by offering your new bridesmaid the dress and send the old friend/moh reimbursement for her cost. This leaves the slate clean, no strings attached, she’ll never have a “hook” in you for her expenses. Along with your check, for your own sake, DO PLEASE write a letter to her, similar to what you’ve posted here. Let her know of your hurt and disappointment and that you do not wish to be contacted by her ever again. By doing this youll be making yourself clear, in case SHE’S wondering why she hasn’t heard from you. And you’ll be doing yourself a huge favor by stating your feelings clearly and closing this chapter.
Go forth and plan your wedding! I am hopeful for you and your family that you’ll all find some peace and comfort, and that your new marriage may be a launching for happiness going forward.
Post # 11
First, I’m so, so sorry about your brother!
If she’ll fit it, I’d give FSIL former MOH’s dress!
And if she calls to ask about the dress or the wedding, I’d offer to pay her for it–but I don’t think she will!
Post # 12
@danisalci13: First, I am so sorry about your brother. I had a similar situation happen last summer. My best friend passed away very suddenly – so no hospice or anything – but she died while napping. They later found out she had heart disease that killed her and no one knew about it. I obviously was very upset and distraught. I told my other best friend as soon as it happened and she immediately asked when the services were and told me she would be there.
The night of the wake – she didn’t show. I didn’t realize at first because I wasn’t thinking about her *obviously*. No phone call, text or anything. The next day was the funeral – still nothing from her. A week later – still nothing. I texted her because it was her birthday and I wanted to avoid the drama of not wishing her a happy birthday. At this point she asked me “how I was doing and”. REALLY? I haven’t spoken to her since.
I guess I can be kind of harsh with my standards for friends – but I believe I am a really good friend and what she did was inexcusable to me. If the dress fits your new bridesmaid, I would give it to her. I highly doubt your friend is going to ask for the dress back. If she does, pay her what she spent on it. I would continue to not speak with her -what she did is unforgiveable in my book.
I had people say that my friend probably “didnt know how to handle it”, but we are all adults and we have to do tough things every day. I don’t believe she couldnt handle texting me to say “how are you doing” or “I can’t make the wake”.
Post # 13
@Sweetjennygirl: +1 to all of this.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. While I can understand that some people do not hande this kind of situation well, there is no excuse for your closest friend to abandon you like that with no explanation. Send her a cheque so that she has nothing to hold over you, and move on.
Post # 14
I’m sorry but there is NO excuse for your friend’s behavior. Yes, death makes some people uncomfortable and they don’t know what to say but she’s your BEST FRIEND. She has no excuse. This is disgusting and I’m so sorry you are going through this, on top of losing your precious little brother.
I agree what someone said above – give the dress to your FSIL. If your friend ever asks for the dress, post her a cheque for the price.
It really is devestating when people’s true colours come through. And it’s times like this in life you find out who your true friends are.
Post # 15
I would tell her that under the circumstances you are having a smaller wedding ( you are, minus her!). Which happens to be true in more ways than one. Either give her the dress to exchange, sell, or wear or buy it back from her. I would not get into any arguments or debates. Just handle yourself with class and know who your true friends are.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Post # 16
@danisalci13: I am so sorry for your devastating loss. They say you always find out who your true friends are during the bad times… I don’t care if she was uncomfortable, she should have sucked it up and put her own feelings aside to comfort you and be there for you. She is a shitty friend and I would mail that dress to her with no note and delete her number.