Weddingbee boards

I was very excited for FI to propose and for us to take this next step together. I have no doubt he is the one for me. I'm excited to be his wife and share our lives together.

But I don't want a wedding.

We've been engaged for three months and had planned on a 15 month engagement. I was really excited about planning until the families got involved. His family isn't a big part of our lives because they live across the country. My family isn't a big part of our lives because they're toxic. But weddings are about family, right?

Even thinking about planning and having the wedding gives me quite a bit of anxiety. Thinking about saying our vows calms the anxiety. I've always wanted to elope but FI wants a wedding.

I've put off wedding talk since the trip to see his family nearly a month ago. I don't know what the solution is. I don't think I want a wedding, small or large, in my hometown or his. I want to elope but he doesn't like the idea.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I just really needed to get it off my chest. Have any of you experienced these sort of feelings?

He wants his family there, which is why it's going to be in his hometown.

It really bothers me that everyone is shoving advice and ideas down my throat and pushing their way into the planning. His sister wants to "surprise" me. She "surprised" her sister by having some people change into suggestive outfits for the dollar dance, making it more like a prosititute being paid than a fun and innocent dollar dance.

It's not as simple as "don't invite them". Even though I choose not to communicate with certain relatives doesn't mean that my parents choose to not communicate also. My mom is begging me to put the relatives on the guestlist and it's making me ill just thinking about writing out an invitation with their names on it.

The one aunt I don't want to invite actually grabbed me by the arm and yanked me towards her as I tried to walk away from her when she was drunk and yelling at me. But she's married to my favorite uncle and the mother of my cousins, who I would like to be there.

It's just overwhelming, I don't feel as though there is any right answer. I just want to make my vows to my fiance and live happily ever after.

I had a coworker who really didn't want a wedding, but her husband insisted. She finally agreed, but the compromise was that they had to leave on a 10 day honeymoon immediately after. She said it got her through the planning.

Wedding planning gave me a LOT of anxiety at first too, but I knew I wanted my family and friends present, so that kept me going. I know how you feel, and it's hard being engaged and not being excited about planning when it seems like every other bride-to-be is thrilled to be planning her wedding day. Have the two of you considered a destination wedding? That would cut down on the guest list and the amount of planning you would have to do.

@JennyW1- I don't want a wedding because the importance of getting married is lost in the hooplah of the day. I want to marry my best friend, the love of my life. I don't want to host the prom. For him, it's about celebrating with friends and family. I'm trying really hard to compromise but planning is really hard and he wants no part of it. To me, it seems incredibly unfair. He wants the big wedding with the hundreds of guests but doesn't want to plan/pay for it. :/

Also, I find the vows to be incredibly intimate and personal. It just makes me really anxious to think that all these people are going to be watching this. I find it to be akin to inviting those folks into the bedroom, maybe not a view shared by many, but it's the way I honestly feel. 

@youhavemyheart:  I truly commend you for your outlook on what a marriage ceremony really is.  I wish more people looked at it the way you do, and then the wedding industry might not be so absolutely insane.  Maybe you already talked about this, but have you thought about not necessarily "eloping" but just having a private ceremony with just the two of you and the officiant and keeping it a secret?  You don't have to actually even tell anyone, but all that would be important is that you intimately exchanged your promises when it mattered.  Some people look down on this, but I think that it really is just about you an him, so it should be private if you want it.  That way you guys can still put on the big show that he and the family wants.

@summerbvt- That's a really cool idea! I think I may talk to him about doing something sort of like that. Maybe have our own commitment ceremony or something, without anyone there but he and I. That could be really amazing! Thank you for that suggestion, I really love that idea.

@youhavemyheart:  Glad to be of help.  And I am glad you see it as not necessarily being 'sneaky' but as something that should truly be between you two.  I hope he sees it that way as well.  That way the pressure will be off by the time the big event rolls around and you can play that game  ; )

(Don't get me wrong, I did the 100 person wedding, but I agree the large wedding craziness seemed to take away from what it really was all about)

When you said that, I started envisioning something sort of like a proposal almost. He and I in a place that means alot to us, a few weeks before the wedding, reminiscing and exchanging vows and promises.