Post # 1
Girls, I need some advice.
I have had feelings on and off for a while that maybe SO isn’t the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. This has been happening with greater frequency.
Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I think I need to break up with him. If he’s not the one for me, why try to force it and just end up unhappy 20 years from now? But as I came to this conclusion, I started feeling panicked.
We’ve been together for 2.75 years, we have lived together for over a year, we have 2 cats together. We’re so comfortable with our lifestyle that I’m scared what will happen if I end it. Logistically, it’s a nightmare. We’ve purchased furniture together, we have 9 months left on this lease. Do we split up the cats?
Beyond the logistics, we have had some great times together, and a piece of me is worried that maybe it’s just my period hormones taking me for a ride. It’s crazy. Just the other day we were talking about houses (not seriously, but still), and today I might just rip the whole relationship apart.
That’s the other thing. I really really really don’t want to hurt him. Just imagining what kind of reaction he’ll have makes me so sad. The thought of never seeing him again is so sad.
So how can I tell for sure whether I need to move on? I know every relationship has good and bad, so how can you tell how much bad you can “put up with” for the rest of your life? We have some lifestyle differences that I think could become problematic. But also, what if I break up with him and then find out he is really my best bet?
I’m just so confused and could use some counsel.
Post # 3
I was in a relationship for 6 years, we lived together but we were miserable. My sister hated him, my family just put up with him… We had a dog together, I knew I did not want to marry him i just didnt know how to break up with him. One day my girlfriend told me he was thinking about marriage then i knew i had to end it. It was a mess I had the worst break up in the world. I had to pack his stuff and his family came to get it. His mom even called me to say ok the jokes over let him come back. You need to think about what you want. If you have doubts then run! Since my horrible relationship i have found the man of my dreams and married him. My husband and I have not even been together as long as i was with that other guy but it just feels so right!
Post # 4
Only you can make that decision for yourself. But, as an outsider it doesn’t sound like you are confused at all. It sounds like you know what decision you want to and need to make, but the details of the aftermath of that decision (his reaction, moving out, etc.) are making it difficult to take the plunge. You can’t stay in a relationship because it’s too tough to move out mid lease or beacuse you don’t want him to be hurt. Your situation is much like a divorce – do it now, before it’s a real (and expensive) divorce.
Post # 5
@purpleginger: What do you mean by lifestyle differences? What are they?
Post # 6
Break it off with him. Make a list of things that need to happen and how it will happen. Not everything needs to be tackled at once. The cats will be fine on their own (I had the same thing happen with 2 dogs) and though it will be a nightmare initially, things will get better gradually.
Post # 7
Cats, lease and furniture aside…there’s just one question you have to answer:
Do you still love this man?
If not, move on, hurting him now is kinder than lying to him for years.
If yes, let him know what’s freaking you out, work on it together…love doesn’t always make things nice, we’re here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts, it’s called living, and struggling through hard things, makes the smooth parts so much more precious and rare!
The most valuable asset we have isn’t money, or things, it’s time, and who you choose to gift with your time has got to be a very special person indeed, there’s only so much of it, and none of us know just how much we get.
Post # 8
@Sunfire: he is addicted to video games. and he turns on the tv firts thing in the morning and it stays on until bed, even if he is doing something else like taking a shower or playing a video game, the tv has to be on. i don’t want to be chained to the screen like that. don’t get me wrong, i like to watch a couple of shows, but if nothing good is on, i turn it off. he’ll continue to watch shows he hates just because they’re on and it’s tv.
i’d rather get out of the house and go places, but he seems to hate going out and only likes to go out maybe once a week. and then usually it’s straight back home when i’d rather stroll around town for a bit.
another pressure point is his alcohol use. i’ve expressed that i think it’s a problem (he doesn’t). he has cut back (i think, at least for a little while). but he is looking at a very stressful career as a police officer, and i don’t forsee him dropping the alcohol, rather, i think it’ll become a major issue.
stuff like that.
Post # 9
Only you can decide, but honestly, it sounds like you know what you need/want to do. As much as it sucks to end it, dragging it out will only be so. much. worse. Also, if the age in your profile is correct, you guys may just be growing apart. It happens to so many couples (I was one of them!) in their very early 20’s and there’s nothing wrong with it.
Post # 10
@purpleginger: I see what you mean. I agree with you how you’re feeling is more than cold feet. These are serious issues that affect the quality of your daily life. (FWIW, I wouldn’t like any of those traits, either, reminds me of an ex).
It’s hard to leave a relationship but if you’re having these thoughts and feelings it’s a strong sign he is not the right man for you.
Give yourself time to think everything through. Keep weighing the pros and cons. It sounds as though you’re on the verge of being ready to leave. You will know when/if the time is right and you’ll leave when you’re ready.
Post # 12
It sounds like you know what you want. Breaking up with someone you live with is NEVER easy, but if it has to happen, it has to happen.
Also, blaming it on hormones is just silly. I’ve broken up with people while being hormonal before, and you know what? I’ve never regretted it. I may have regretted the EXTREMENESS of it, but never the final result. It’s not like those feelings completely come out of left field just because youre PMSing. The feelings are there, and the hormones just make them harder to ignore.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: I think you’re completely right.
And PP are right, too. I think I know what I want, it’s just going to be incredibly difficult to do and I wish I didn’t have to. I’ve never really broken up with someone before, especially given the magnitude of the situation (technically we are common-law).
Any advice on how to go about this?
Post # 14
@purpleginger: Talk to each other. Tell him how you’re feeling and don’t let him talk you out of it if your mind is made up. When I went through this, the worst part was the living situation since we were on a joint lease. You’ll have to figure out if one of you wants to stay, who stays/who goes, how the money situation will be handled if you break the lease, etc. It doesn’t feel great at all, but once those decisions are made, you can go from there and start working on the smaller things like dividing up furniture and the animal situation.
Post # 15
@purpleginger: Any advice on how to go about this?
Hmm… well I can tell you what NOT to do… don’t pile his things in the hall with a note saying you are breaking up with him… and don’t go to your parents house for three days and hope he is gone when you get back… definitely don’t do that…
When my BFF left her ex-husband, she sat him down and told him she wanted a divorce, quite civilized. It took a couple weeks for her to find an apartment. She let him keep everything, even the cats. She just went to Ikea and bought new furniture. They slept in seperate rooms for that couple weeks.
Post # 16
@purpleginger: First of all, realize that you CAN do this. You are strong enough and people dissolve relationships every day. It doesn’t even mean you don’t love and care about him as a person and a friend. But you’re not in love with him in a romantic way any more and you deserve to have passion and true love in your life.
When the time is right and you’ve made the final decision to leave you’ll have to tell him. If you prefer to make arrangements to live elsewhere prior to telling him that may make things easier on you.
If you’re still on the fence about leaving you could suggest the two of you go for counseling to try and repair what’s wrong with your relationship. If you aren’t willing to go to counseling and are simply finished you need to be straightforward with him about this.
You will need to have your living arrangements in mind, how you will divide things fairly between you, your finances. As far as the cats go, maybe each of you could keep one of them – that’s something you’ll have to decide together. The animals are innocent in all this so keep their disruption as minimal as possible. (I know how cats hate moving).
There is a lot to come that you’ll have to face. It won’t be easy. But every step of the way keep checking in with your gut and intuition and trust it as your guide. As long as you take things slowly and calmly and treat him and yourself with respect you should be able to make the break as painless as possible.