Post # 1
At the moment I am laying on the sofa in the lounge room because my Fi told me off for going to bed and not completely shutting the blinds, I said does it matter if they are not completely shut? As you cannot see in anyway,’ and he said “what are you retarded?’
Recently he never speaks to me unless its to lecture or to tell me off, He never wants to hear about my day and he looks at me like I am the most ugly, unloveable girl he has ever seen. And to think I bought him a $400 bike for xmas today.
We have been together for 9 years, is this it now for the rest of our lives? or is it just a phase?
Don’t know what to do as I have no family and not much money. Even if I wanted to leave I would have no where to go.
Post # 3
((HUGS)) simple and chic: that was a very insensitive and rude remark. and an unexcusable remark… is he under any type of stress with work lately? everyone has second thoughts about getting married, especially when you aer going through rough spiels, that’s not what concerns me. When everything has cooled down perhaps you should tell him that you are not feeling loved in the relationshp and see what’s going on. Although it may not be easy to leave now, believe me it’s much easier to leave now versus after you are married. Trust me there is always an option to leave (been there and done that) if things aren’t working out. There are always roommates, rooms for rent, etc. Do you have any girlfriends? Maybe the time has come for you to hang out with them for a bit?
Post # 4
I just dont want to regret leaving, what if I never find someone better. I am so confused. If I leave that is a huge step, what with work etc. I dont really have a GF who would have room for me, I know what he will say too, because he supports me financially he feels like he can say or do whatever he wants because He looks after me in other ways, which he does, I never want for anything, But recently he has become cruel and insensitive, i love him so much but he seems to hate me.
Post # 5
trust me when i say i have been there (i have been engaged numerous times). he sounds very emotionally controlling and abusive. so what if he takes care of you and you don’t want for anything, that gives him no excuse to make you feel bad. if you want to give yourself more time, go for it, but I would definitely start saving money etc so that if YOU choose to leave or if you-all break up, it’ll be okay and you can just move on. BTW, M supports me financially, emotionally, etc and has never once made me feel like I was less than because of that. I always feel like i’m a partner in our relationship and wouldn’t be with him if it was the other way. Cruel and insensitive are not ways that the love of your life should make you feel. I think you definitely need to step away for a while. I would strongly consider returning that 400 bike and going for a vacay away for the weekend to clear your head. If your family is from somewhere else is that amount of money enough to take you back home? Also, even if you-all work it out, he has to learn better communication skills. You are a lifetime partner not a toy that he has paid for.
Post # 6
Thanks crebre I will start saving I guess there is no point rushing into anything. As for family unfort they have all passed away I would love to go home to my Mum right now ut she passed 3 years ago. Thanks for your advice I needed to talk to someone.
Post # 7
Oh honey ((HUGS))… Do you have a hobby or something you could pour yourself into right now? It sounds like you’re very lonely and that you may need something to direct your energy into. Perhaps you could get more hours at work (if you work) or pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try.. .especially since it’ll be on your fi’s dime :D…. (okay that was me being cruel, but hey it costs to be a jerk and I’d make him pay). But definitely start setting aside a certain amount of money to make yourself feel better. When you are married you can let him know hey I started saving this when we were engaged in case WE needed something. I wanted to feel like I contribute to our household or something like that. I am not a proponent of keeping money hidden in a marriage. Although he may not have access to it, I hope I’m making sense??
Post # 8
Thanks I work out a lot so I will just concentrate on that. I work and study but Uni has finished for the year so I am working more. Thankyou so much I feel much better and will be able to sleep now (its 11.15pm in Adelaide)
Post # 9
You said this is all recent – is there anything that you can think of that would trigger this? As crebre said, has he been having work problems? Are there any family, friend, whatever issues that might make him act this way? If there is a big difference between how he used to treat you and how he treats you now, you need to figure out what the underlying issue is.
And I agree that women ALWAYS need to have their own stash of money!!!!!!! Combining all resources together, especially under the SO’s name is never a good idea. I love my FI dearly, and he has never given me the slightest indication that he would ever hurt me…but my mother has always taught me to have an emergency fund. hugs!!!!!
Post # 10
wow i’m so sorry to hear that you’re unhappy! It is not okay for him to talk to you like that. Please don’t feel like you won’t find someone better though! You are only 27!! Wouldn’t you rather be happily single knowing that Mr. Right could be around any corner rather than unhappily married knowing that Mr. Right is a divorce, a potential custody battle, and years away?
At a bare minimum, please seek couples counseling. But if you want to leave… do it. You will rebuild your life, I promise.
Post # 11
ugh! there is no excuse for him to say something like that to you =( hopefully it was just stress he’s under, though he does need to apologize hard core to you if that’s all it is.
Post # 12
Believe me when I say there is always someone better when you’re in a position to feel unloved. It’s one of those situations where you can’t see the forest through the trees.
I have been with wonderful men, but flawed men. And when things didn’t work out I would have that underlying fear – but life has a way of giving you exactly what you need when you remain open to it. I would rather see you married to a man who takes the time to ask about your day and tell you that you’re beautiful every morning.
Post # 13
Agree there must be some kind of underlying issue. I’m a firm believer that men have pms just like women do. I know my FI goes through weird spurts where he will be in a pretty weird mood. However; I don’t take it. I tell him i’m not going to deal with someone treating me that way. He knows my boudaries & I know his. You need to stand your ground. & Buying him a $400 xmas gift is like rewarding his behavior. If he’s going to act like a child you have to treat him like one. I’m sorry he’s treating you badly & he’s making you feel this way. I would let things settle down for today & talk to him about it. If he doesn’t want to talk & doesn’t care about the way he’s made you feel; well; then it’s up to you to decide.
One of my favorite quotes:
“Of all the people who will be in and out of your life; most will hurt you at Some Point in time. Then it’s up to you to decide Who’s worth the Pain & who’s Not.”
Post # 14
Sweetheart, it’s not a matter of whether or not you can find somebody better, it’s a matter of whether or not you want *him*. I’m so sorry. He shouldn’t treat you like that.
Post # 15
I think first you need to have a serious discussion with him about how he is acting. If things don’t change, you need to consider leaving. You say that you don’t know if you can find anything better but honestly, I don’t think that he is that great if she doesn’t say anything nice to you ever and doesn’t want to talk to you. You need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you two might need to reconsider your relationship if things don’t change.
Post # 16
I agree with all of the posters above – you deserve to not only be taken care of financially, but also emotionally. Only having the financial security with him is not going to cut it. Would you be ok with him talking like this to you for the rest of your life? Or, look at it this way…if one of your best friends was talked to this way by the man who supposedly loves her, would you be ok with that? My guess would be no. My husband took care of all the bills while I saved my paycheck for the down payment on our current house, and he didn’t once make me feel like less of a human being than he was b/c he was paying for everything.
When you’re in a relationship, you’re equals and should be considerate of each other. it doesn’t sound like he’s holding up his end of the bargain. I think I would definitely rather be alone than be with someone who didn’t respect me. And trust me – a girl like you will be gobbled up by the next great guy out there, and your current guy will be wishing he treated you better!