- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 1999
I would have a talk with him about this. Maybe he just feels a bit rushed and wants more time to think about it?
I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he isn’t ready to marry you.. unless you think you pressured him into proposing. Only you know your relationship.
In any case, I would sort all this out BEFORE the wedding. You don’t want any lingering doubts/resentment to start your marriage.
@canarydiamond: thanks! I did not pressure him into marrying me, I knew when he was ready he would ask. the thing that gets me most is that he has told me that maybe I am not ready Because I seem to find something wrong with everything— but I just want things to be near perfect and reasonable. I told him exactly how I felt and he didn’t say anything at all.
@PatientBride: There are a few alarms that go off when I read your message. The first is that you are trying to make sure that your venue/church is okay with both families. Now, I’m from a very close family and so is my FI, but we decided early on that we would pick what makes US happy. Not his family, not my family, but our little new family (Me and him)….notice the Me part is capitalized, lol, but I diagress. Seriously though, wedding planning will involve you both making decisions that others may not like, but at the end of the day, as long as you both are happy, that is all that matters.
Secondly, you made the huge assumption that your FI is not ready to marry you, just because he wants to be more involved in the wedding planning?? I actually think it’s the opposite. I think he does want to marry you and he wants to be involved in the decision making. To him, it’s like you went ahead and picked two dates. But in reality, you only booked the two dates that were availlable early next year.
I recommend that you take a deep breath, time out and go on mute for a bit. This will let him calm down too. Then this evening, while at dinner and drinks, calmly explain the situation to him. Let him know that you want him to be involved all the way and that his opinion matters. Then plan a time to take him to the church with you, so you both can pick out the date to reserve together. Also, gently let your families know that you both love the venue and they will too when they see it at the food tasting or on your wedding day. Warm regards.
@Pretty_Chick: he wants to be involved but when it comes to actually making the decision, he says he doesn’t care. He has seen the venue, he came with me to the church, I told him I would hold the dates and he didn’t flinch. When I actually did it, he acted as if I planned everything without him. He loved the venue, he knows what dates are available, so by putting them on hold I thought I was doing us a favor so we didn’t lose out once again on the dates we wanted.
He wants to be involved but he doesn’t want to do anything. It has been me coordinating everything for us. He just gives his opinion and says it is whatever I want. But when I say what I want, or make a small step towards the planning, that is when he picks an argument. When I give my opinion he tells me I am going about it all wrong. He hasn’t said a word to me since.
From what you’ve said, his behavior seems very irrational. I would assume that something else is up, and instead of talking about it, he’s being crappy about the wedding planning. If I were you, I’d tell him I’m not doing anything more for this wedding unless he either tells me what his problem is, or starts acting more reasonably.
@PatientBride: Okay, thanks for explaining it more. I think you should go for counseling with him, if he agrees. He was with you for 10 years and it sounds like it took some time for you all to get here. He may need to get used to just being engaged. Some men are super quick and know what they want, others are like turtles and take their time to finish the courtship race. You may have a turtle on your hands, who may need time to figure it out in his head first. Talk to him tonight by letting him know how you feel. Don’t accuse him of anything or any hidden motives, just let him know how you feel and see what he says. After that conversation, don’t bring up the wedding again until he does. If you lose the date, you lose the date. Afterall, you will need an excited groom before you book the date. I wish you all the best.
@4cube: thanks! I told him I don’t care anymore and he can be in charge of everything Because what I have been doing just hasn’t been good enough. I don’t think he will ever understand how stressful it is until he has to do it. I don’t think by holding the only available dates that I did anything wrong. Plus, he was well aware that they were the only two available dates that the church and reception could accommodate for us.
For now, I’m not going to do anything anymore because I feel like I have been wasting everyone’s time.
I’m sorry you are going through this PatientBride. From what you have told us it appears that this is a type of passive-aggressive, reverse psychology behavior by your FI where his own internal guilt and resentment about doing something he is not 100% happy to do keeps clashing against a feeling of obligation that may come from knowing he’s selfishly taken up almost a decade of your life. He may have hoped that over time you would become satisfied with a long-term relationship without marriage. And when that didn’t happen he could have felt like he owed you a proposal whether you brought it up or family or friends mentioned it to him.
He knows it’s not your fault. But if he can sabotage the wedding in a “death by a thousand cuts” type way by ensuring conflict happens at every step along the way, then he can blame you for being “controlling” when in reality it’s just a way to make you the scapegoat and force you to call the whole thing off. That way he hopes he can make that uncomfortable feeling that he has about marrying you go away by telling everyone that he was ready to marry you and you called it off after being overly “controlling.”
Instead of just being a man about it and admitting that he doesn’t want to do it, he’s desperately looking for an escape hatch. This is what it sounds like to me.
Really all you can do is decide if this is the type of life you want to live. Red flags are waving right at you. If this continues you will have to accept that he isn’t the one and open up your world to other options either by taking a “break” with no contact until you decide if you want to stay or letting him know that you no longer want to waste your time or his time by being exclusive when it’s not a good fit and go ahead and start dating others. Good luck to you. Most importantly, don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work out. It’s not about you. You just may have chosen a man who is not a good fit and who doesn’t want the same thing at the same time as you and with you.
@PatientBride: My fiancé asked me when he was ready (7 years in), then had a panic a halfway through planning (a year into what was meant to be a 2 yr engagement). We cancelled the wedding, had a bit of a rocky year, then settled back down and reset our wedding date for a year later. We’re 6 1/2 weeks out now and he’s completely on board with all things wedding (although he wishes it was less work!).
My point is, he may still be having problems with the commitment even if he proposed “in his own time”. And iso doesn’t have to end badly.