Post # 1
My wedding is soon, as in the invites are sent, the rsvps are back, and the final numbers have been given to the venue and caterer.
But something is tearing me apart.
I have a “the one who got away.” Let’s call him J.
I am in love with him with every thing that I have. It is a real feel it in my bones kind of love. It has been 6 years since I met him and 4 years with my fiance and it has never shown any signs of going away.
I love my fiance as well. Very very much. But he has this one flaw, he isn’t J. And I can’t seem to shake that feeling.
I have been telling myself for as long as I remember that that’s okay. J and I will never work.. we tried and tried.. it just isn’t going to happen. and no matter who I am with I am going to have that feeling of “Well this guy is great, he just isn’t J.” So why break apart the happy relationship I have and devastate my fiance?
I thought I could live with this and be content. However lately, I am unraveling at my seams.
I panic when I think of the wedding. I have cried over it a lot. I am just at a loss. Logically I know that marrying my fiance is the right, sane, best thing to do. But emotionally I feel like I am cutting off any chance of ever having anything with J, even though I know J and I could never happen.
I am just a mess. 🙁
Post # 3
If your emotions are not behind a marriage, then it is in fact not a logical decision to go forward with it.
If you truly do love someone else and are crying sad tears at the prospect of marrying someone else then you need to end it. It only gets harder, uglier and more expensive to end it later.
Post # 3
I’m sorry your going through this!
If the feelings had never left, then I’m not sure why you decided to get married, but regardless have you sought any type of counseling? Sometimes we need help getting closure and understanding how to move on!
If you think you absolutley cannot get married and will never be happy, then you should postpone/cancel yoru wedding, even if everything is ready. For the sake of your FI and future, you need things to be right!
Post # 4
As a general rule, if you aren’t 100% sure, don’t do it. But, just to play devil’s advocate, are you one of those people who is never happy/always looking for something better/ wondering “what if”?
Post # 5
I feel like you are settling for your FI and even though J and you “tried and tried,” but couldn’t make it work, you need to resolve your feelings for him. It’s not fair to your FI to go through with the wedding…there could be someone else out there for him who will love him as much as you love J. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 6
I agree with the PP that suggested counseling. It sounds a lot like you need closure on that relationship.
Post # 6
I agree with PP… as hard as it is, calling off the wedding is the right thing to do. As much as it will devastate your FI, it would devastate him 100x more if you married him while you were in love with another man. Your friends and family will understand and will respect you for making this tough decision.
Post # 7
I had a “one that got away” too (so I thought), and when I FIRST started dating my DH, I made myself confess my feelings to oh, let’s call him A because I didn’t want to enter into a relationship with the thougths of “what if”.
I got shut down, like i thought I would, which solidified what I already knew, I told myself, “I needed to know that, so I can really put everything I have into this new relationship I have unravelling before me.” Once I got that shit out of my system and had my answer, I haven’t looked back.
A and I dated for like 4 or 5 months before DH ever got together, and I didn’t really get over him until I had that exchange. Sure he’s a great guy, and we’re still friends, but once I invested everything in my now DH (who at the time, I had only been dating a week or two), I see all the ways in which my DH is SOOOOO right for me, and A is SOOOOO right for someone else.
Unburden yourself of your feelings if you think that will help, but you are going to be walking a very high tight rope if you do. Your FI could find out about it, the other guy could decide never to speak to you again, wedding could be called off by FI, etc. Ask yourself if you could live with that kind of consequence. My situation was different because my DH and I weren’t yet exclusive / serious in our budding romance, whereas you already have a wedding underway.
If in your heart you absolutely do not feel your FI is the one for you, let him go. It’s not fair to either of you to go through with a situation that you greatly doubt.
Post # 8
Just because you “cannot” be with J does not mean you should be with your FI, either. It is horribly unfair and dishonest to go into this marriage, not just for your FI but also yourself, if your heart is not completely in it. How could you even honestly say your vows?
Cancel this wedding and get yourself into individual counseling. Spring your FI loose too so he can be with someone who is very, very into him and being with him rather than being with him s they cannot be with someone else,
Post # 9
I agree with pp, if you’re not 110 percent, down the aisle is not the way you should be walking. Honestly, even if you know that it can’t work with J, you shouldn’t be marrying someone else feeling this way. If FI was the one, you wouldn’t be thinking about a guy you “tried and tried” with. It’s one thing to casually think once in a very seldom while “I wonder where they are now” or “I hope their life turned out great”, it’s a completely different realm to want to be part of that life. This is more than cold feet, this is a series of multiple red alarms going off. Don’t go with it just because it’s soon coming. I don’t care how much money you’ve put into it, a divorce is much more expensive and ten times more painful for everyone involved. I wish you the best of luck finding out what truly is right for you.
Post # 10
I really wish I could find it but I read an article about the same thing you’re describing. The woman was happily married but still had “one that got away” and a lot of “what ifs”. It’s normal to not forget your first love, and to still have feelings. But it’s up to you if those feelings are destrcutive to your current relationship. It’s not fair on your FI if you’re alwasy comparing him to J.
Put it like this: I think it’s ok to care about J, miss him, even love* him; it’s not okay to compare your FI with him, or be disappointed/let down by FI because he’s not J. Do you see what I’m saying?
Best of luck.
*not in love
Also, I agree with PPs when they say just because you can’t have one, doesn’t mean you should be with the other.
Post # 11
The one who got away I wish him the best to find an amazing girl but FI is the most amazing thing ever. I agree with all the girls counselling. If you can get in to see someone in a few days hopefully they can help you atleast decide to postpone your wedding or cancel it.
Post # 12
Why are you not currently with J? If you “tried and tried” with J, maybe he’s not the “one who got away”, but just simply not the right one.
Post # 13
There are very complicated things at play here that I didn’t really want to get in to because I feel like the bee can be a very judgemental place when there are things they don’t understand, but I feel like I am not getting the best advice for my situation so I need to elaborate.
My fiance and I have a very different sex life than your usual monogamous relationship.
He has always encouraged me to explore my feelings and sexual desires for other people. He is sexually turned on by me being with someone else.. and he knows that I wouldn’t just sleep with someone that I don’t know or love.. so for the entirety of our relationship I have been sleeping with J. And my fiance is not expecting it to stop once we are married.
Does that change anything? or make it right for me to love both of them? I am pretty confused about everything I am feeling.
Post # 14
@anonimoose: I would not judge a couple for whether or not they choose monogamy. Having an open relationship is fine in my book if you’re honest about it and everyone has entered into the arrangement willingly. It’s not for me, but if it works for other couples then I don’t have a problem with it.
But I think when you have a strong romantic / emotional connection with another man on top of the physical, the worst thing you could do would be to go ahead with your marriage to your FI. Just because he’s okay with the physically open aspect of things, does not mean he would be okay with you being in love with that other person. Marrying him without being honest with him about this is the worst thing you could do, IMO.