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This is partially a vent and partially a call for help because I need to hear what you guys think and if any of you have some experience in this.
I have been with FI sfor over 5 years he was 19 and I was 17 when we met. We were young and we were each others first "real" relationship. I was very immature and obviously not ready to commit so I used to pick a lot of fights with him. I broke up with him when I first started college because I didn't think I wanted such a serious relationship. He had this "best friend" lets call her buttface (hahaha I guess im still immature). I never felt insecure around her because me being the naive girl I was seriously thought they were just friends. Anyway when we got back together I started noticing that they hung out A LOT I mean in all of the pics of their group of friends they always seemed like they were together. I looked through his phone once and I saw a text from her saying something along the lines of "but I am your girlfriend..get it girl friend lol" and I was upset but kept it to myself . fast forward a few months and FI breaks up with me out of the blue because he is not sure he loves me!!! I was so upset and I just didnt get it because it seriously came out of nowhere. a week passes by and he comes back saying he didnt mean it and he needs me in his life blah blah. I take him back. I then find out through Myspace ( i know!) that he and BF had something going on because she had a picture of them two and a sad face then something like he broke my heart or whatever. I confront him and he admits that they tried to make something work but that he realized he loved me. MY heart was broken. I trusted him and he betrayed me. Even if he did do it while we were broken up what assured me nothing was going on while we were together! Keep in mind this is still within our first year of the relationship in 2005. I eventually got over it we moved forward he proposed 4 years later and lived happily ever Until...
New Years 2010 his phone vibrates I thought it was my phone so i stand up to look for it turns out its his so i hand it to him. He looks at it and closes it really quick. I go what was it? He goes nothing, I am like it was a text he goes no it was a notification, I was like wtf? but whatever i let it go. He then goes ok it was from BF I am like why did you lie? he goes because I freaked out and new you would get mad. I go let me see it hes like i erased it. I was fuming mad he said it was just a fwd. saying happy new years and it was no big deal. if it was no big deal then he shouldnt have erased it we had a huge fight I mean HUGE. I go home and check his phone records for the first time EVER and it turns out they texted a couple of times a month and it went a few months back.She alway initiated the texts and it was usually just a couple of texts and that was it. I was so mad I hated him at that moment he had been keeping this from me the WHOLE time. Of course he says they were just hey how have you been texts. we talked through it and I was able to move on. Or so I thought.
The truth is I really do belive him. My FI is the most naive man in the world. I really do think that the texts were just for catching up. They all had a really close group of friends in college and Fi is pretty much the only one that doesn't really hang out with them anymore. Although I believe that he really did keep it from me because he didn't want to hurt me the fact that he kept it from me hurts so much more than the stupid texts themselves. So here is my problem I love him but I just dont trust him right now. I have been holding a grudge and the worst part is that my heart literally aches whenever I think about it. What do I do???? what would you do?
Plain and simple - I wouldn't marry a man I didn't trust with my entire heart and soul. Trust has to be earned. If it's broken, it can be repaired - but it takes a lot of effort on both sides. I'm not sure either of you are there yet. To be honest it sounds like the relationship needs some growing up to do. I'm not sure I'd be planning a wedding for August. It's a tough situation and I feel for you being in it - good luck with figuring out what to do next. (Getting some space to yourself is probably a start.)
put my grown up hat on and not worry about it. My advice just talk to him and say" look it matters to me and your concerned that she texts because of this and this and it makes it a trust issue for me, if your just trying to protect me. I wish that you were open and honest and next time she does, can you just tell me and I wont make a big thing of it. I just think its important that you do so I dont stress from this end."
I had the same kinda thing well trust issue when FH when his exes sister - that rights exes sister. started text messaging all the time and I thought it was a bit suss, so I asked him that when she texts that he tells me. And he does, its open and the communication line is clear. He has nothing to hide but it keeps that trust in the relationship. Worked for us :)
I think you should tell your FH what you just wrote. This has to be worked out before you get married. Good luck!
ccranetobe we did talk and he totally sided with me and said he was so sorry for doing this to me but he thought he was protecting me by not telling me. He says since the texts were always "hey how are you?" "good, working gettin married blah blah" he didnt see the point in telling me and didn't see anything wrong with it. I get it seriously my rational side totally belives him and if you met him you would too lol. But my emotional paranoid side can't let it go. I do wan't to marry him and if I were to do one of those pros vs. cons lists all of it would be pros. This is seriously the ony issue we have ever had but I just feel like it is so huge because like mountain bride said I need to trust him! This happened back in january so its been a few months it's not a constant battle or anything but everyonce in a while it just pops into my head and it messes with my emotions.
Just say everytime she texts I want to see it, or you to tell me. If it hasnt happend for a couple of months.. she probably isnt texting.
Seriously its the smallest road bump. Just chill on it and when you think about it do something that makes you happy. You will soon forget. Your FH loves you otherwise he wouldnt have put that ring on your finger. Thats serious commitment in itself. Have a little faith girl :) I know what its like to make something out of something so small that all it does is breed negativity be positive :)
In my personal (and insomnia driven) opinion, it sounds like you're not over what happened years ago, otherwise you never would have brought it up. But when it comes down to it I think that you're reading too much into it. Yes, it was wrong that he kept the texts from you, especially since he knows that she is a sticky spot in you relationship, but at the same time, why should that completely ruin your trust in him?
I agree that I am making a big deal of something that maybe isn't such a big deal..I brought up what happened a long time ago just to give some background I guess. Thank you guys for your responses! I really do want to hear what people think because sometimes I get wrapped up in my own little drama and it's hard to see the rational side of things lol.
Please take this in the nicest possible way, but it doesn't really sound like either of you are ready to get married. I know I certainly would not have been at 22 (I was still making a right mess of relationships at that point). I don't think you should get married to him now both because you don't trust him (and you have to trust your husband, or it will undermine the marriage) and because it doesn't seem like either of you have the maturity for that level of commitment yet. Go out. Have some fun. Stay together. Date other people. Whatever you want. But give yourselves some time to grow into yourselves before you commit your lives to anyone else.
I had almost the same with my man and it also got to the same exact point.
We talked and I admitted the problem was that I didn;t trust him, not that he wasn't trustworthy but my trust in him was ruined. he lied about the girl and texts for so long even though it was to protect me from getting jealous over nothing blah blah blah- the trust with him and this particular girl was gone and his secret texts.
So, after saying I have problem with trust because he hid it and lied about even thought...blah blah. I couldn't get over it. And if he is marrying me and this girl really means nothing, tell her how I feel and break off the friendship. He admitted she wan't going to be a friend forever, but i was forever. So let her go now so we can move on. And he did. Trust is now 100%.
I'm not the jealous type unless I'm given reason. And once I have reason, it doesn;t go away until the other girl is out completely. I've been in this situation before. The other guy didn't let go of the other girl. I pretended to get over it. But guess what? He did sleep with her during our relatinship. I found out after we broke up.
I have to agree with mountain.bride and tnason. It sounds to me like maybe you two aren't ready to be married yet. You're both very young and have all time time in the world to get married. My advice is to give things some time and work on your issues as a couple before proceeding with wedding plans.
It's a terrible idea to marry a man if you don't trust him 100%.
Hey, I'm 35 and went through this last year. It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with trust.
I agree with above posters that this is a red flag in your relationship, and neither of you sounds ready to get married at this point in your life. If you can't trust your husband, it will undermine your entire future relationship with him.
Yes, I believe that the texts are probably innocent and that in and of themselves, nothing to be making a big deal of. But going through his phone/bills, or him hiding them from you in general? You should be at a place in your relationship where you trust him enough not to do that, and he should be mature enough to be able to tell other women to back off if he knows their behavior is making you upset, and he shouldn't be hiding relationships/friendships with other women from you. Don't let an impending August wedding blind you from the fact that you are having issues in your relationship. These issues need to be addressed and you need to be completely comfortable in your relationship before taking that next big step.
@mmuncha - I'm not saying that the actual situtation has anything to do with age. Of course it could happen to anyone. I just think that the OP and her fiance in particular are young, so why rush things if there are trust issues?
Guess I'm sensitive. Its a very sensitive issue that you never get over. I was going to marry the other guy who ended up actually cheated on me...Now, I see those red flags and can't let it go. There is no worse hurt than being betrayed by someone you love.
Hi, I'm going to have to agree with other posters. I think you should give yourself some time to grow into yourself and learn about yourself before you commit your life to another person. Seems you both have some issues to work through before you consider getting married.
I would not marry a man I could not trust. No way in hell. Don't marry him just because you have a few years of being together under your belt and that you're getting married soon if you don't trust him. THese issues will come up over and over again in your marriage. Maybe you both need a few years to grow and mature before combining your lives. The kind of stuff you're talking about is stuff that, in my opinion, does not happen to adults. Maybe some. But SHOULD not. You don't hide things from each other, you don't go snooping if you trust. If i ever got a text from an ex, i'd tell him to stop texting me. EVEN if i felt it was no big deal, if it bothered my SO, that's enough for me to be proactive. I'm not saying it has to do with age (i was 22 when I got engaged), but this kind of texting drama screams "high school" to me. Maybe think about giving it some time, having a big sit down talk about your expectations and communication issues. I just know that if my now-husband was doing this before we got married and i ever had these feelings, no way would i marry him.
I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust. The fact that you feeling this way has gone on for five months is worrisome, don't you think? I mean, I could understand if you were upset in January. But, it's the middle of May now. Either you have reconciled these emotions or you haven't. You need to keep talking it out to try to get over this. Because August is coming up quick and do you really want to still have these feelings at the altar?
We have had issues in our relationship but we were able to easily move forward b/c there are no question marks left and we made the choice to move forward. You need to talk it out, come to terms with their relationship (you were broken up - total Ross and Rachel situation, and in that situation, I sided with Ross), and forgive/forget/move on. If you can't, then you probably aren't ready to marry!
@Melissabegins, @ejs4y8: Totally sided with Ross on that one, too. "We were on a break!"
Make sure you are ready for marriage. Make sure to go to marriage councelling - and take it serious. You both have to want to make a life together and be 100% commited to that. It means trusting each other completely but also being comfortable discussing everything and being honest. Be honest with yourselves in preparing for such a big committment.
@ejs - ;-) It was the more logical conclusion if you were choosing sides! I think people just loved Ross&Rachel.
But Jenny remember - they ended up together. They just had to work it out first. :)
Are you doing pre-marital counseling? That might help a lot. I understand how you can be hurt, but when I look at what the actual story is, I don't see anything unsalvagable here... (unless it ends up being something that you just can't let go of with some help).
Best of luck!
@Mrs. DG: That's a good way of looking at it...no irreparable damage, as long as you both want to fix it.
I think if you're doubting your relationship or not trusting him over a few text messages -- you've already made up your mind about where you think this relationship is going. It would be one thing if you were just going on a rant about how his this dumb b**** keeps texting your fiance, but you're mad at him for responding to texts? I mean -- get real. It's a text message.
And honestly, for as upset as you are for him responding to her texts -- if I was him, I would keep it from you, too. He has every right to keep in touch with whomever he choses, and you should trust and respect him enough to do so. Your jealousy or insecurities about this person aren't enough to warrant you to tell him he's not allowed to keep in touch with her.
I think that you should consider counseling. This happened 5 months ago and I don't think it's a huge thing. He needs to tell you when she texts him, end of discussion. But I do think you might be blowing it out of proportion because of their attempt at a relationship 5 years ago.
I respectfully disagree with TamiN. His hiding of the communication suggests he sees it as doing something wrong. We can speculate about why he thinks it's wrong, but when it comes down to it, the fact that he is hiding it is an issue. Sure, spouses may not need to know every single thing that happens in daily life but they do need to be honest about things like that.
Maybe it's just a text message, but to the OP (and in my eyes), it represents a much larger issue than just responding to a text.
I can't beleive I am saying this but really you need to just either get over it and have trust in your FI and your relationship or move on out of the relationship out of pure respect for yourself and your FI. A few years ago, yea I'd probably would have felt the way you do but I found that most of my trust issues had to do with my insecurities and personal issues. It was not fair to my now DH to take that out on him, yes there were things he kept from me like small things like this at one point. I know it may not seem small to you now but really in the grand scheme of things it is. Always put yourself in the others shoes. Is it really that big of a deal if someone from the past texts hello? This girl is in the past and he made a commitment to you. I like what @Melissabegins says perfectly as well. Honestly this is not fair to your FI to keep dwelling on it and almost in a way keep punishing him for something that happened years ago. Hope all works well!
I just think don't see what the big issue is about someone sending a text message -- if my fiance's ex calls him and he chooses not to take the phone call, I'm not going to have a panic attack about it. Conversely, if she calls him and he walks into the other room to take the call, I'm not going to assume he's trying to hide something from me. (as an aside, I've never met her or seen her in person)
But I think the real issue on this is how YOU are reacting to her calling. Do you trust your fiance on other issues? Is this the one issue that you don't trust him about? Do you presently have any reason to not trust him communicating with her?
So if you're just being irrational and jealous because she's still communicating with him - than that's something you need to work on. But if you really feel like you shouldn't trust him, well then that speaks volumes about your relationship.
Also in regards in away to what Gemstone is saying and while I understand her point exactly, what if your FI told you the truth from the beginning on NY? Do you think there still would have been an arguement and still feelings like this later on your behalf? Honestly I think no matter what he would had said you still would have been upset. Sometimes when we have trust issues even when faced with the truth we still get so upset. I hope you and your FI can find a resolution but I think you should really sit down and talk to him about and be able to hear his side too.
Only you know the whole situation. If you really don't trust him, I think you need to talk to him abour it. If you can't resolve it...then I think you have something important to think about. Perhaps a counselor could give you better advice.
I think this can be worked out with better communication. This doesnt seem like a huge issue, so I wouldn't be calling off the wedding over this. This is something you have to come to terms with within yourself, and try to figure out how to deal with the situation to ease your mind. It sounds like you really have nothing to worry about at this point, and I think marriage classes will be excellent for you, and even couples counselling so you can get past all this.
Good luck.
I agree with Miss Hunky about you not being over things- and I think that if texting someone causes this huge of a fight that there are other issues that need to be resolved, in teh end it's his phone and he can talk to whoever he wants- he's not cheating on you and he told you who it was and that he was trying to protect your feelings- if you're going to get mad about him trying to not upset you and then you get upset bc of your own feelings, you should maybe think through things and being ready to get married a bit
@blondeeebuckeye- Thanks!
And in response to others, I totally understand what you're saying. I guess that because there's a history, it seems like more to me than a text.
But coffeekitty is right in that only the OP knows every detail of the situation. The fact that the OP is this concerned is a problem. Period. Her FI should be willing to work through this with her...in other words, I truly don't think this is just "her" problem.
I don't know what this Ross+Rachel thing is, but it seems like he broke up with you in order to see if things would work out with that other woman. Personally to me that would hurt me a lot, if FI did this to me, expecially after we were engaged. To ask someone to marry to (IMO) means that you have already excluded everyone else as a possibility and are ready to move forward with that one person.
If I were you, I would go to marriage counseling with a professional. And the point about the test messages - to me, it isn't about the text messages per se; it is his need, or openess, to reconnect with someone who is driving a wedge in his relationship with you.
Edit: I really hope this works out positively, it must be a terrible situation to be in.
I would never marry a man I couldn't trust 100%. You need to work out YOUR trust issues before you walk down the aisle. Your feelings will only grow & cause more issues and resentment down the road. Little issues like this do not get better once you're married...
1. lmao@buttface. Maybe I'm immature.. but it made me laugh. I don't know when the last time was I heard someone call someone else buttface.
2. Your fiance sounds a lot like my husband when we first met. He didn't understand why that kind of thing was hurtful and why honesty is always the best policy. I'm embarassed to admit this but the only way I could get my message across was to do it back to him- it helped him empathize. Granted, this was very early in our relationship- I don't know if I would recommend this kind of thing now (or ever) (I was immature). In our situation it worked- we never had another problem again.
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