Post # 1
Hi Bee’s –
In my opinion I am an amazing party planner. My parties are extremely initimate and detailed – I literally pour my heart and soul into planning these parties.
I’m also very good at it because I plan and host events for the non profit I work for. The largest event I host annually is for about 500 people.
When people come to my parties it’s an experience from the invitation to the exit. That doesn’t equally money either. Because truly, your guests make any event.
Here is my issue. My FMIL THINKS she is a “planner” Bee, but in reality she is just in a family where NOONE is good at planning things so it she appears that she is a planner. I am a TRUE PLANNER. I planned the most amazing engagement party for my FI and I, people are still talking about it. The ONE thing I loved most about it, is that it was ORGANIZED. It was so stress free because I had done all the prep work, we were just able to enjoy the night with our friends anf family.
My FMIL just texted me because she wanted to check to see if my parents were coming to FSIL graduation party. Well I called my parents to check in and they were ALL confused because FMIL had sent out a save the date TEXT MESSAGE with the wrong date of the party. She then MAILED out an invitation two weeks ago with the correct date. Well, my parents didn’t realize the date was difference. They had both worken an extra day last week to have Saturday off when in reality the party is Friday. I told my parent’s it’s not a big deal, it’s just a high school graduation. But they were LIVID. They thought it was so rude to send someone the wrong date and not bother to call them to let them know it had been rescheduled, and frankly I agree.
I am not letting my FMIL be involved in the wedding planning very much because she keeps trying to live through us and I am not having it. Therefore, I told her she could have free reign with the rehearsal dinner. Of course I am grateful to have in-laws who are willing to host a rehearsal dinner…but I KNOW she is going to stress me out. She waits until the LAST MINUTE with every party she does. The last thing I want is to be sad the day before my wedding. I talked to my FI about how I feel, and he agreed that it is likely what she will do. It doesn’t bother him because he really doesn’t care about a rehearsal dinner, but I do.
I am wrong for feeling this way? I really wish I didn’t care so much, but it’s a one in a lifetime experience. I don’t want to be stressed about a rehearsal the week before my wedding because my FMIL hasn’t done any planning.
Post # 3
@Meant2Bee: I would just let it go. Just confirm place, time, and date. Then let her handle the rest. There’s really only so much you CAN do without ruffling feathers.
Post # 4
Why does she have to go all out for a rehearsal dinner anyway? Lay down some pretty tbaleclothes, make some food or have it catered in, and done. Or go to a restaurant, whatever she plans on doing. I understand you only get one dinner, a once in a lifetime thing, but you are pretty much saying your FMIL is going to throw you a crappy party before you even let her try. I know you are an extraordinary party planner, but that doesn’t mean everyone else sucks at it just because everyone was talking about your engagement party months later.
If you guys have so little faith in your FMIL then have your FI sit down with her and say you’d rather have control over the rehearsal dinner, but you will be equally if not more stressed out trying to focus on your wedding AND get a rehearsal party together.
My MIL didn’t throw a big, elaborate dinner (and she thinks she rocks at party planning), but it was enough. Laid some table clothes o nthe tables, picked up some salads and meat, FIL cooked the baked potatoes, and that was it. No muss, no fuss.
Post # 5
@megz06: It’s not going to BIG or ELABORATE. I truly don’t care what it looks like, I’d love to be surprised. I’m talking about organization. BOOKING a resturant, not waiting until a few days before hand to figure it out. If it’s at home, like I suggested, figuring out the food arrangements, not pesting me last minute.
If FMIL wants to cook the meal, awesome. Her cooking is great. I’m talking about having a CHAIR for everyone to sit in, utensils for everyone to eat with. The most basic, yet neccesary details.
These things are always forgotten when you she waits until the minute.
Post # 6
@Meant2Bee: I get where you are coming from to an extent: I am “the planner” as well and I have a very hard time relinquishing control.
That being said, I’d just let her do it. I know you “only get one” rehearsal dinner, but try not to elavate it up to wedding-level in your mind 🙂 I’d just let her do her thing with the dinner portion of it but I would certainly get the reigns back for the actual rehearsal part.
Post # 7
If she’s paying for it, then she hosts it, and assumes all hostess duties. If she asks for your help, then by all means help her out, but if she doesn’t ask, then it’s not your place to interject your opinions and remind her how you would do it. If you want to be the planner, or don’t trust whoever is the planner, then pay for it and host it yourself.
Post # 8
You need to let go of your need for control. This is NOT a once in a lifetime event. The once in a lifetime event is the next day – your wedding. This is just a dinner party the night before. I understand that you believe you are a great planner, but people will know you did not plan this. This normally falls to the in-laws, so alot of bees have been less than thrilled with their rehearsal dinners. I think you need to stop worrying so much about how great of a party it has to be. Honestly, it’s just a dinner before your special day. I would not talk to your FI about how you don’t trust his mom to do a good job. It’s never a good habit to start talking about his mother. You can talk about her to your friends, but not your FI.
Post # 9
Therefore, I told her she could have free reign with the rehearsal dinner.
You shouldn’t have told her this if you didn’t mean it. It’s kind of hard to reneg on that now. Plus, she’s paying for it.
I think this is one of those time where you need to practice letting go of control (hard for many of us to do)
If something isn’t perfect at her event, well then you’ll just look all the better the next day at the wedding when all your planning will show.
Post # 10
@MrsTVLover: +1 no one cares about the RH dinner, it won’t be remembered like your wedding.
It’s totally her event to “run” or not run. It wont’ reflect on you, everyone will know who the host is. You should let this one go, and trust me I totally understand why you feel that. In my former job I planned large scale events as well. So when I go somewhere its hard not to see what they “should” have done. It’s hard letting go control but you had better get your bridal zen on, or you will drive yourself crazy.
Post # 11
@Meant2Bee: I have a similar thing going on with my FMIL and the rehesal dinner, and as much as I would prefer to be in control as I too am a better planner 🙂 I have to agree with some of the other bees. Just set the time and place, thats what im doing cuz with everything else thats starting to go crazy its the last thing i want ot stress on. As long as I get a good meal( and i haave picked one of my favorite spots to eat) Ill be happy at this point, lol
Good luck to you.
Post # 12
a) so sorry this is going on
b) i feel your pain. my FMIL is throwing my shower and from what I know it’s a disaster. Complete disaster. *le sigh*
Post # 13
@badabing88: I’m the same way. This drives me nuts:
I’m talking about organization. BOOKING a resturant, not waiting until a few days before hand to figure it out. If it’s at home, like I suggested, figuring out the food arrangements, not pesting me last minute.
I can’t stand it when things aren’t figured out/planned/etc. Not that it needs to be fancy, but I just want to feel like there was effort put forth. I know that I’ll put forth the effort, and, unfortunately (from personal experience), I don’t have that same faith in others. Nothing makes me more agitated than “it’ll all work out” or “we’ll get it figured out.” No, just do it now and stop procrastinating! It’s not that hard!
LOL anyway. OP, I don’t really have any advice for you. It’s like, we can’t let other people take over things and just let it be, but then we don’t want to pester people. Maybe give her some suggestions, get her to agree on a date/time/location, and then just try to let it go. Maybe casually bring up RD plans and ask her how it’s going. Try not to develop a tic from stress.
Post # 14
@Meant2Bee: You can’t allow something you have no control over, affect you in a negative way or reflect badly upon you.
I get that you’re a planner, you do this for a living, it works for you = NEAT.
Your FMIL is a horse of a different color and flies through life by the seat of her pants, taking what comes, whipping up chaos and stress wherever she goes, making a person like you – NUTS.
Say what you like about the lady, but she is generous and sure as hell ain’t dull.
Keep your standards out of her party and avail yourself to ride the ride, even if it is scary and not what you wanted, its life, and who knows?
You might just have fun!
Post # 15
I’m so glad I’m not the only one in this boat! I feel like my FMIL doesn’t want my opinion at all!!! We have opposite views on everything…taste, food, everything. I really am going nuts as she is trying to find a place and I just want to scream I KNOW WHERE I WANT IT!!!!! But good advice here, I will try to simmer down and let her do her thing 🙂
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Let her deal with the rehearsal dinner. If anything goes wrong or anybody complains. Just smile and say you’re thankful that your FMIL took care of the rehearsal because you have been so busy with wedding planning.