Post # 1
Hey bees I need a little help!
Today my boyfriend and I were talking about what to get me for my birthday at lunch (we work together). I didn’t have any really good ideas because the things I suggested he said felt like something my family should get me. (a camera, some kives for my kitchen) So he asked what old boyfriends got me and I said I don’t know, listed some things (lotions, soaps, dvd’s, flowers…) and he goes “flowers?” looking like he might be considering it, I burst out “You can NOT get me flowers!!!” (My mom’s a florist, it’s such a cop out to let her decide what to get me) And he says “I know, I was going to say….thoes all suck” But a male co-worker comes by and goes, ‘Get her diamonds!!” And my bf sort of snorts and we drop the conversation.
Later I was about to send him some etsy shop sites with some jewlery I love because that’s a boyfriend gift, right? Well when I mention it he says something about how jewlery really depends because it might be too serious. (I was planning on sending things like earrings with birds on them that cost like $15 and necklaces that were like $30) This totally caught me off guard but I sent them anyway and he agreed they were acceptable.
Tonight it was still really bothering me and I asked him if he really thought we weren’t serious and he said “I don’t know.” So we talked about it and he said things like we’re not we’re talking about marraige. (But we have been). Overall the conversation was a let down like he’s thinking we shouldn’t get married anytime soon because of his house and not being financially secure. (Not true at all). I say so pretty much you’re not thinking about it all. and he says, ‘I think about it a lot more than you realize” At this point I’m thinking that I must have been crazy thinking we’re getting engaged/married soon and wondering why I had thought anything like that.
It was time for him to head home and at then I remembered suddenly why I had been thinking about us getting married and I pull out my phone that has a calendar date that HE put in for Oct 1 2011 that says wedding day with a little smiley face. I ask him if I should delete it and he looks at it, smiles a little and says, ‘No, maybe keep it.” and leaves.
Now I’m really thinking I’m crazy, what am I supposed to think?
Post # 3
how long have you guys been together?
Post # 4
i’m not trying to put ideas in ur head but maybe he’s trying to throw you off so that when he does propose its an even bigger surprise??? kinda like that episode of friends where chandler is planning to propose but acts like he never wants to get married and monica gets all upset and things are like bout to screw up but then they end up getting engaged in the end 🙂
Post # 5
Only about a year so I can kinda understand him not feeling like we’re serious yet.
But we also spend 9+ hours a day together, he sleeps over usually about 2x during the week and we spend out weekends together. We’ve also gone on two trips together for training where we were together 24-7. First time for 2 weeks, Second for 4 weeks, we’ve got more training and he still wants us to go away together.
Sometimes it feels like we’ve been together much longer, other days I’m like, ‘god, has it really been a year already?”
Post # 6
Whoa, wait… maybe I am reading your post wrong. He said that he doesn’t think your relationship is serious enough for him to get you jewelry as a birthday gift, but you are talking about marriage? I don’t get it.
Post # 7
Men’s idea of a long time and women’s is totally different… Maybe a long time to wait to get married IS a year.
A year of dating is pretty quick, so he may want to wait another six months or so. I planned my wedding in six months, btw. So it’s possible =)
Post # 8
Guys are confusing. Take a couple of deep breaths and clear your head. If you’re happy, that’s all that matters. It all works out in the end. Waiting sucks and so does the back-and-forth and trying to understand what’s going through his mind. FI and I fought a lot during the “waiting” phase. I regret wasting time together with arguments and tears.
If he asks again about the birthday present, tell him to surprise you.
Post # 9
It sounds like the two of you have talked about marriage before and I think this is a time to maybe step back from the marriage talk a bit. When I was waiting and talking about marriage a lot, my husband shut off to me. When their girlfriend talks about marriage all the time, it turns them off to marriage and makes them feel like they are being nagged (even if you only talk about it every so often sometimes they feel the same way). I don’t know if you have seen Mr. Bee’s 3 Step Plan to Getting Engaged?
Post # 10
@Angela83: exactly!! I don’t understand, we talk a lot about having kids and he talks about what ‘our kids’ are going to be like ‘our kids are going to make the most riddiculous faces” “our kids will have your brains and my at athletic ability’ but it’s like he’s worried about buying the wrong thing and people at works impression of it…
@ab33arch: lol, if it’s like that then I’m totally feeling Monica right now, I’m all like “Maybe he’s right, there’s the house and I still have 10 month still have a 10 month lease. I can’t finish a load of laundry with out rewashing it at least once, what makes me think i’m mature enough to get married!’
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: I’ve read Mr Bee’s plan, My bf was going away for 2 months of military training and I was looking forward to finding my stuff again. Painting, reading. I got a set of cats serindipitously, got my own apartment. I started a yoga class and I was feeling totally zen about our whole relationship. I was excited for the bit of distance so that when he came back I’d be able to have my own things to do with out him. Then he came back WAY early because he was really sick and i sort of forgot about me again because I was so worried about him. It takes a lot to send you home from military training and he was so exhausted fromt he time he spent there sick that I just wanted to help him feel better. My yoga class ran out and I didn’t have money to pay for more right away,I really want to go back though. PLUS I scheduled a visit to see one of my bff’s in the midwest, went with out him expecting to have a great time but the trip turned out to be a flop and then I just wanted to talk to him about how disappointed I was. I suck at Mr Bee’s plan.
Post # 11
I’m with Angela83; why is it that he can talk about marriage with and put a marriage date in your phone but can’t buy you jewelry? Let alone a camera and knives, if that is what you want. I would have a serious talk with the BF, before you stop talking about marriage, ask him why he brought it up in the first place.
Post # 12
i agree that if he thinks jewelry is too serious to buy for a birthday that maybe he isnt really in the marriage frame of mind just yet… but i wonder if he is aware how much is involved in wedding planning, because if he is thinking an october wedding then you reallly should be planning right now
Post # 13
@jamiemichelle:It’s true that 6 months is possible. We HAVE talked about how niether of us could see being engaged for any more than a year. But today he gave up on having plans because they don’t help anything anyway. He had planned to be married and have kids by 30 and he’s now 33.
@Akennedy01: Thanks for that, you’re right. No sense getting upset about it. He’s a great man and I love him and our relationship. I need to keep reminding myself that. And just because he might not be ready yet, doesn’t mean he’s not going to be later.
Post # 14
Wow… talk about mixed messages. I am a bit confused over it all… jewellery is not a serious boyfriend gift at all, it is just a boyfriend gift! I got a lovely necklace from my boy when we were just 2 months in, so I think him buying you a pair of earrings shouldn’t be too much of a comittment!
I don’t really know what to think though… maybe you need to have another talk with him? I know we girls are told to not bug them about it and all that, but he is telling you he isnt ready to get married but then that he is, so which is it? I think you deserve to know where you stand. But find that out and then leave the marriage talk for a bit.
Having a house is a huge financial commitment (we have one too!) and as a result our marriage plans have been put back, but the plans are still there! It shouldnt be an excuse not to think about it.
Post # 15
I’m going to agree with @ab33arch on this one. Based on the fact that HE put a theoretical wedding date onto your calendar and you guys have been discussing kids, it sounds to me like he’s trying to throw you off the track.
My FI did something very similar. Now, we talked about marriage and where things were going a lot, but I never really brought it up because I just wanted to let it happen. But there were many times right before he proposed where he would say things like “it’s not happening anytime soon” or make comments about projects for MY house like 2 years down the road, when it was understood I would move up to his house if we got married.
So, I was sitting around thinking it would probably be another year until he was ready, and he popped the question in July. If I remember right, he made a lot of those types of comments the weekend before he proposed. As a result, I was totally floored when it happened. Yep, I’ve got a devious guy, but I think it was so much better that I had no idea it was coming.
So, I guess the best advice would be to let your man do his thing on the proposal and try to just enjoy your relationship as it stands. It’s the one thing they get to control and I think they really enjoy that element of surprise. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 16
I think you need to go out and buy the biggest, thickest wedding magazine you can find and just bonk him in the head with it. Maybe that will clear up some of his confusion, lol. Good luck!