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I'm not a mother, but I can't understand how a mother could say things like that to her child. She has to know that all that can do is hurt him. :(
@mwitter80: I don't have any advice, but my heart breaks for your bonus son. To feel like he's betraying his mom by being happy with you and your DH is so sad. She obviously has serious issues and I think all you can do is let him know how much you love and care for him.
Ugh, that seriously hurts to think of him crying because he thinks what he's doing is cuasing his mom to lay in bed crying at night. What a horrid person.
I love how you call him your bonus son :)
I can never imagine my mom every saying anything like that to me or my siblings. Both my parents never shared when they were upset or angry with each other or anything because they didn't want us to worry. It sounds like she is upset, but concentrating on her own misery instead of her son's happiness
I don't have any experience with something like this but wanted to say I think she is being selfish and hurtful when she should probably know better. You haven't done anything wrong and I hope she can grow up a little bit so as not to put her son in such an emotionally conflicting state. Sorry you have to deal with this :(
1) I love that you always call him a "bonus" son.
2) I can see how hurt bio-mom is that she's been "replaced" in her mind, and wants to be as important to the boy as she can. With raw hurt feelings, it can be easy to let it slip that it pains her to hear that her son prefers staying at dad's more than her place. She's human, and humans make mistakes. I don't think she handled this in the best possible way, because it's effecting him. Maybe she can be introspective about it if you tell her that her comments made him cry? Maybe she doesn't realize the impact they have / had on him. If she is a good parent, she'd understand.
That is a really hard situation. I can totally understand where she's coming from with her feelings, but that is definitely problematic that your step son is feeling that way. That said, I'm guessing she doesn't even know how she's making him feel and is not trying to be manipulative (unless this is in her nature and she does things like this often). Maybe have your husband mention something to her? Not in an accusatory way, but just "This is what's happening, how can we make sure our son is happy/unstressed?".
I'm sorry, I know you are trying to vent, but my heart really broke for his bio-mom when you said he told her he likes your house more. I honestly don't know how I would react. I would hope I would keep my wits about me & keep a straight face in front of my son, but that would be HARD!
I'm sorry, I can't imagine how hard this must be for both you and your bonus son. It's very unfair...and manipulative, intentional or not...for his bio mom to say things like that to him. I can only imagine that it's hard for her to see her child loving another woman, but she really needs to be putting him first instead of her own selfish, jealous feelings, and be grateful that another woman loves her child as much as she does.
@les105: Honestly I am venting, but I am also trying to understand her side. I do try to put myself in her shoes when stuff like this happens. I would be broken hearted to if my son said something like that to me, however, I don't think I would express it to him in the manner she did. I might have told him it hurt my feelings when he said stuff like that or something, but I wouldn't have gone into such detail maybe???
I would love to hear from bio-moms who are in a bonus/step mom situation and their take on it.
I agree with PPs. That is a really difficult situation and really not fair to your bonus son.
If she keeps that up as he gets older he will eventually realize what she's doing.
My heart breaks reading this because this sounds EXACTLY like what my MIL did to my DH when he was little. I'm so sorry that your son is being put through this. I think your DH needs to have a talk with her because this will leave a lasting impression on your son. Trust me, it left my DH scared for a long time, (he still has issues and tells me how he spent his early childhood listening to his mom cry about his dad and step mom and how he was emotionally manipulated. It has caused all sorts of emotional issues.
This is a really really tough situation but someone has to put an end to this.
@mwitter80: I totally understand that, and I agree with you, it wasn't appropriate. I would hope that, in that situation, I would be the "adult" and act appropriately. But I just don't know, that is a pretty serious thing for a mom to hear.
My ex broke up with me when I was pregnant, and actually tried to bring his girlfriend into the delivery room when I gave birth. After the baby was born, she was insistant on meeting him immediately and holding him, etc. I know this isn't your exact situation, and it sounds like you are a lot more respectful, but I just remember imagining her as my son's second mom and it was the most painful thought I have ever experienced. I can't imagine what it must feel like to go through that.
On the other hand, I am an adult and I *absolutely* want what's best for my son. My feelings aren't as important as his safety/happiness. So, I would hope I wouldn't do something like what you describe. But, sometimes feelings cloud reason. Is she always doing things like this? Or do you think she just let her emotions get the best of her?
ETA: You sound like a really good, caring step mom and I hope I am not making you feel bad! Your step son is really lucky to have 2 women in his life who love him so much!!
I have been in similar situations with my bonus kids. The would go home from our house and brag about my food, activities, etc.... and DHs ex would react similarly, which was completely a mistake. When the boys had grown a bit (the oldest was a teen and the youngest a tween), the oldest told me that he had tried really hard to hate me for his mom, but that he just couldn't. Neither DH or I have ever said a negative word about her around or to the kids, we just don't think that it is appropriate. When DHs ex passed away, I think that us always being positive really help the boys with the transition and they come to me now for all the typical "mom" things like being sick, girlfriend gifts, shopping, how to approach dad on something, money. They feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their mom and ask me to do stuff with her stuff, like preserving.
I think that you just have to grin and bare it, like you have been doing. IMO, at the end of the day, her manipulation will come back to bite her on the rear end. The kid will get old enough to understand it and know where the positiveness was coming from. The fact that you are thinking so much about this and you put so much care into making him feel safe and secure shows what an awesome step and person you are. You just keep doing what you are doing and all will work out, I promise.
DS's bio dad does stuff like your bonus son's mom. He's always been VERY upset at the thought of another man being in DS's life... even after he himself remarried, but I'm pretty sure that unlike your situation, DS's bio-dad is rarely part of DS's life these days and does nothing to change that. (DS goes & spends a week with him about 1x a year) Also, DS's dad has ALWAYS been like this so I had to start with DS in his toddler years trying to explain & clarify lies his dad would tell him... sigh.
I wish I could give some advice on how to handle it, but I assume your bonus son's mom isn't USUALLY like this, so it does make the situation a little different.
I know for us, I & now DH have/do always just explained to DS that "it isn't him that his dad is upset with, but just the situation & his dad doesn't really know how to handle it right so he says/said what he said.... But we just have to keep loving him & we'll pray that he gets comfort in his heart so that he can feel better about everything... and that DS has NOTHING to feel bad about b/c it wasn't him that did anything to "cause" the situation."
^ along the lines of that, but I TOTALLY understand that in that moment it's kinda like *ummmmmmmmmmmmm.... what the heck do I say?!*
Sorry for the rough night.... I wish more parents would realize that how they handle their messes/consequences of their own adult situation really does effect their children.... DS knows NOTHING of the things I've struggled with or issues I've had with his dad, for the sake of him.... I wish his dad could do the same & I hope that your bonus son's mom can get to that place too.
(((hugs))) for you and the munchkin
I've been thru something similar, all i can say is his bio mom is a real piece of work, how selfish. Your bonus son is lucky to have a nice caring home to come to, where he can express himself with out having to worry about you or your DH laying your adult problems and feelings on him. I'm not sure if she really sees him as a person or something that is hers. There is a difference.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I know exactly what your bonus son is feeling. My mom and dad split when I was 3, and my stepmom (Linda) came into the picture shortly after that. Linda did everything she could to make sure that I knew from the beginning that she was never trying to take my mom's place, but she still treated me as if I was one of her own kids. I will tell you, there was a never a day in my life that I didn't feel truly loved and many of those days were because of Linda and my dad.
That being said, my Mom did NOT like any of this going on and was very vocal to me about it. It was absolutely the wrong way to go about things, but my mom has some mental health issues (severe depression bordering on other personality disorders) so she always tried to "relate" to me instead of being just a parent. She manipulated me beyond belief. It took me years to get over it (and sometimes it still stings).
After a while, I learned that my time shared with Linda wasn't something I should tell my mom about, and it made the tension go away. I knew that at Dad and Linda's house, xyz happens and abc happens at Mom's. I got used to the different routines.
The sad part is, my Mom never got over it. I'm now pregnant with my twins and she's tried to tell me that Linda doesn't qualify as a Grandma. She brought up all her old grievences about her and I told her that I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did but that she should be happy that my stepmom didn't turn out to be a witch that resent my very presence. It's sad that 21 years after the fact, my Mom still harbors all this negative energy.
The bottom line is: you're doing the right thing by being there for your bonus son. He will learn as he gets older that there are different routines at each house and he may learn not to divulge exactly what goes on at your home when he goes to his mom's. I love my stepmom so much and we have a great relationship. I love my mom too, but she and I have always had a strained relationship because of the turmoil she put me through with her feelings about my dad and stepmom. She refuses to take responsibility for what she did and now she's paying for it, unfortunately.
Good luck and *hugs* to you.
@shimmerofheaven: This is my exact fear. I wish she could look down the line and realize the long term effects of this. I don't want him to ever have a strained relationship with any of his parents, however, if she continues down this path I don't see it going any other way. Thank you for sharing your story and reassuring me.
@mwitter80: No problem! I just thought of one more thing - it really helped me to go to therapy as I got older to recognize that my Mom's displeasure with what was happening was not my fault. As a PP had mentioned, I tried to hate my stepmom to please my mom and I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure how old your bonus son is, but since this is beginning to affect him, it may be something to look into.
Also, I think it's a good idea for your DH to say something to her - my dad said a few things to my mom at one point because she was just out of control, but for the most part he never said anything bad about her in front of me. He also told her not to tell me when he had these conversations with her, because from what I understand they were pretty ugly. She never listened, but by that point I was learning the "politics" of dealing with my mom so I was learning to handle it.
Again, good luck and hang in there!
@shimmerofheaven: We've discussed putting him in counseling. He's only 4 and one of the specialist we talked to said we may want to wait a couple more years. He's really shy and I don't think he would say anything to stranger quite yet. We're hoping kindergarten opens him up a little bit.
UGH.....I am not a step mom, but I have been a mom for a long time.
That woman has no boundaries and only thinks of herself. What she is doing is horrific and she is only damaging her relationship with her son.
I am so sad for him, thank God he has you though.
I just wanted to say that what you are going through is so hard. My ex and I have really made it a point to not do that to our child as she moves back and forth between our homes. Sometimes it is as simple as phrasing something differently, so that the child doesnt feel guilty. The bio mom in this case should not be putting the child in this position- so unfair.
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Beekeeper
I just went through an upsetting experience and I'm trying to figure out if I'm wrong in thinking that this is something totally abnormal.
Tonight my bonus son returned home after spending 2 nights at his Bio-Mom's house. Right before bed he started to get upset, which happens when he is over tired. Well tonight he confessed that it was for a different reason. He said the first night he stayed at his Mom's house he told her that he likes staying at Daddy's better and that she got very mad at him. He then said she told him that when he doesn't stay at her house she lies in bed and cries all night. He told me thinking about this tonight made him feel very sad for her and he doesn't want her to be at home crying. My heart broke for him, as obviously he is being made to feel guilty about something that is out of his control.
Then I got him out of the bath and put him in pj's. Every night he asks me to lay in bed with him for a little bit (he's in a monster phase). He didn't ask me tonight and as I went to turn off his light he started sobbing. He told me that he wants me to lay in bed with him but I can't tell Mommy because she told him that me falling asleep with him makes her the most sad of anything else. (She found out I did this because he asked her to and when she said no he said that I always do)
I couldn't imagine being in her position and pray that I never am. I'm sure it must be very tough to watch your child become attached to another Motherly figure. However, it's been 4 years now, and I struggle with the fact that she talks to him about her feelings, rather than another adult.
I just don't understand why she is doing this now, and why she doesn't realize how badly this is hurting her child. I would never want my children to hurt and I would try to protect them from all pain, and to me it seems as though she is causing it. Maybe I'm wrong because I'm not in her shoes, but I just don't understand why she would put him through this.