I don't understand why he's doing this

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sadandconfused115:  I understand you want to keep your marriage together.

If you have any ideas of the kinds of things he likes to talk about and put some of that into the bedroom, maybe that will help. Keep him occupied in the budoir also with some of your own stuff maybe you never revealed before. Even if you have to make stuff up, just keep him busy erotically.

That should help him forget about these other birds.

Post # 4
210 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you should leave him but I think a talk is needed. You should tell him what you found and have a discussion about it. And myabe there is a medical reason to why your sex drive is low? You should definatly see into that. Also theres lots of way to spice it up in the bedroom for when you do feel down to get down. I am very sprry you are going through this. I hope the best for you. Good luck 

Post # 5
1719 posts
Bumble bee

It’s time to talk about sex with your husband.

Sexual needs, desires, and health are all important matters that need to be discussed on a regular basis in marriage so that both husband and wife are up-to-date. Being in the dark and withholding how one really feels is usually not beneficial to anyone. 

However, before that can happen, a talk about boundaries, proper and improper behavior, and expectations within the marriage is in order.

Try to have a calm, rational discussion about his actions and what you found. Encourage him to tell you all of what he did so that the problem can actually be solved. 

Don’t feel bad, or let anyone make you feel bad, for finding what you found. All of it was and is information you need to know about, because he shouldn’t be doing it.

I hope this problem can be solved and avoided in the future.  

Post # 6
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@sadandconfused115:  are u really ok with him sharing these personal, intimate things with other women? Has it happened before? Do you consider it cheating? 

Post # 7
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sex should be something enjoyed not endured. I agree with AquamarineQueen, you might need to seek help because your differences in the sexual department could easily drive him to actually act out on these fantasies with this girl. Women can afford to be sexually starved but for men, it is a big deal. Confront him in a calm manner and discuss what you can do to make him stop confiding in other people about what he wants in the bedroom. He should be able to talk to you about these things and not some other person. 


Post # 8
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

I disagree with the idea that you trying to spice things up in the bedroom is the proper solution to this issue. Your H being inappropriate with other women is not your fault. There should never be an expectation that if you don’t give him as much sex as he wants exactly the way he wants it, that he’s allowed to look elsewhere. 

I understand that leaving him is not an option, but what he’s doing is not okay. You need to have a serious conversation with him about both of your expectations within your marriage. Your needs are just as important as his, so if he feels like there’s something missing in that aspect of your relationship you two should work together to find a solution that doesn’t hurt you like what he’s currently doing.

Post # 9
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Umm…he is so far out of line and acting inappropriately with other people that I really don’t have words for it.  Writing a sexually explicit erotic story for ANOTHER woman???  Talking to other women on a hookup site??   Girl you have GOT to talk to him about this stuff and shut it down.  Its one thing to go to a forum and discuss how to spice up one’s marriage, its another thing to be talking to other women about their sexual preferences/experiences and get emotionally/erotically involved with them…and doing all this behind your back.

I’m sorry you are going through this!!  If I found out this about my DH I would be devastated tbh,  We’d be in couples counseling so fast….but I feel that my trust in him would really be shaken.  

Post # 10
11 posts

In my experience the next step is to actually act it out with her. confront him but be careful about how you do it. you dont want him to be afraid of opening up to you you need to make him feel at ease. he might be embarrassed or just scared bc he does in fact care what you think of him. some random woman on a website might seem easier to talk to bc he doesnt truly care what she thinks of him. tell him he can tell you anything that you’re his wife and nothing will change how you see him. and if you find out he’s still doing it later on well. then you really know its just his problem. in the mean time dont blame yourself

Post # 11
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been through it too. I caught my now FI in the act of talking to someone on an adult chat site. It broke my heart. It took me a long time to heal from the hurt he caused, and to this day I still feel some hurt when I think about it. He promised me it was just a fantasy and he would’ve never acted it out, ie met them and had sex with them, but it hurt just as badly as if he had. 

I flew off the handle at him, and we had the biggest row of our relationship. He promised me he would never do it again. I was so close to walking out, but we had a huge international holiday a mere week away from the row, and I knew insurance wouldn’t cover the thousands of dollars lost. We used the holiday to heal and our relationship is stronger than ever, now. 

I think you need to confront him. It will be hard, and very painful, but you need to for your own sake. 


Post # 12
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

It can be hard when both people’s sex drives don’t match, but not impossible to overcome. What you both need to do is talk some more and work on this. He clearly isn’t satisfied enough if he’s running to this website, but he’s the one in the wrong for not trying harder to express his needs with you before this borderline cheating. You both deserve to be satisfied sexually in your marriage, so I wish you luck working this out ::hugs::

Post # 13
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You need to tell him ASAP about the stuff you found, and get into couples therapy ASAP, as well. 

What he’s doing is INCREDIBLY fucked up, though. How are you planning to get his trust back? I mean, he’s cheating. In my book, at least. 

How do you think he will take it when/if you tell him about all of this? Makes me wonder if he will get defensive or admit his wrong doing. 


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