I don't understand…I don't think FMIL likes me anymore… [LONG]

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I’d imagine that facing cancer (and surgery) has changed her level of outgoingness/interaction and introspection.  Things that may not have made her think twice (the time you two spend with your family) loom larger as she faces illness and wonders why she doesn’t get ‘equal’ time.  Since she’s using your FI as an intermediary maybe you could just send her a nice heartfelt card with a written message that you’re thinking of her as she’s facing these health challenges.  You don’t want to intrude and butt in, but that all she has to do is ask and you’ll do whatever you can to help.   After the surgery, tell her that you’re willig to … shop, do laundry, clean the house, do her gardening etc until such time as she feels up to doing things again.  

Maybe it’s something else entirely, but if I read your post correctly it seems like things started getting weird about the time she got the diagnosis.

Post # 4
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The only way through this is with open communication. I would write her an e-mail or letter if you can’t get her on the phone and tell her that you’re worried about ya’lls relationship and that you’re going to be there for her and your FI. She probably has a million things on her mind right now and may not even realize that she’s snubbing you. 

Sorry, hope ya’ll get through this! 

Post # 5
Member
4218 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should just ask her outright. I think communication lines are being crossed when everything goes through your hubby. 

Post # 6
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@HonoraryNerd:  I agree with PP, cancer is a diffcult pill to swallow. It can change your view on so many things. Not to say it’s changed her view on you directly, but life in general. She is probably very tired and stressed and sad and attempting to deal with the fact that she may die sooner rather than later. Just keep trying to be nice to her. And don’t take her actions too personally.

 

Post # 7
Member
7406 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MrsBunnyBear:  I’m sorry but as someone who has gone through what the OP’s FMIL is going through I would not do this. This time should be about the FMIL and not the OP. There is no way that the OP should mention that her feelings are hurt at the moment. Making this about the OP at this time is pretty selfish.

@HonoraryNerd:  This is nothing to do with you and all to do with your FMIL. What she is going through is extremely tough. Unless you have gone through it you just can’t understand. You are feeling betrayed by your own body and facing the very real possibility of death. You want others to feel as bad as you. Expect her to do things that are not nice and not in character. It sucks for those around the patient but this is one of those times that you just have to suck it up. Of course it is not nice behaviour and not everyone does it but everyone’s journey is different. The only time anyone should say anything is if it get so out of control that she is a trainwreck. As it is she hasn’t done anything more than stop communication with you. Pretty mild compared to some of the stories I have heard at my support group. 

Just continue to show your support and give her time.

Post # 9
Member
7406 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@HonoraryNerd:  Just keep on doing what you are doing. She may not seem to appreciate it now but believe me when the fog clears she will. She will remember how you stuck by her even though she was being a cow. You will hopefully laugh about it in years to come when she is holding her grandbaby.

But also rememebr to not over do the support. That can be just as bad. The last thing an ill person wants to feel like is an ill person. The more subtle you can be the better. Stock the fridge after her treatments but don’t mention it. Do a load of laundry but make it appear like the magic laundry fairies did it. Cook FFIL some dinners etc. In the coming months it is the little things that will count the most.

Post # 10
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think the key point in your story is “she got diagnosed with breast cancer”. Something like that will make anyone stressed. With stress, worry and being busy, people can seem stand-offish when they don’t mean to.

Post # 11
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@HonoraryNerd:  Cancer does strange things to people. I wouldn’t take it personally. Maybe the fact that you two aren’t legally married is her issue – she may just want to spend time with family. I have no idea, but I’d definitely cut her some slack because I can guarantee her relationship with you is nowhere near her top priority. I’m sure she just wants to get better.

Post # 12
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@HonoraryNerd:  I would attribute it to the cancer aside from any other evidence to the contrary.  When people get diagnosed with cancer they react many different ways.  I second PP #2’s advice.

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