Weddingbee boards

I know it probably sounds horrible but I really really REALLY don't want my father to make a speech at my wedding. I sort of thought he wouldn't want to either until my mother informed me that him and my older brother were "plotting" it. Basically it will be nothing short of humiliation and I am already worried how I'm going to make it through the day being that I'm hugely self conscious. But here's some more background info:

We didn't have a good relationship growing up. He regularly would lose his temper and physically abuse me. I once needed medical treatment when he bust my eardrum and anpther time he was actually arrested. My mother used to stand by and allow this to happen and would even make statements such as she would choose my dad over me every time.

He began having an affair when I was a teenager that I knew about and even found dirty messages on his phone from this woman that my mother accused me of sending. I decided to leave home when still very young and he was eventually caught out. The woman he was seeing was my psycho ex boyfriend's mother's best friend which made things even worse as i suspect info about me was accidently passed along when I was trying to get away from my ex but I can't say for sure about that.

After he split up with my mum I found I got along with them both a lot better. I am a very forgiving person and I felt it was the right thing to do. I am a little too forgiving at times which has come back and stung me at times, for example not so long ago a woman, who tried to make trouble in my relationship with my fianc,e asked for my forgiveness for her behaviour which I told her I might be willing to do (after ignoring her for a long time). But I realised this was a mistake as all she was looking for was some kind of a response to open the door to attempt to cause more trouble including manipulating my friends in the process, so I have since gone back to ignoring her however much she "apologises" and learned a lesson in not being too forgiving i guess. But it's a bit different when it comes to your parents.

They have since gotten back together and I don't have a lot to do with them but can't say I hate them. It's sometimes hard to forget all that went wrong even if I forgive them. I took a huge step in agreeing that it would be the right thing to do to allow my father to give me away. However, the speech is a lot different to me.

I don't feel it will be entirely truthful. He might maintain that we had a good relationship which I would feel upset about as it's a total lie. If he did acknowledge we didn't, he would more than likely blame me as I have heard him do so to other people, accusing me of being a troublesome teenage (again, not true, I have always been extremely quiet and shy) The other thing he will do is do his best to humiliate me. Whenever there are people around he gets show offy and starts talking about things I did when I was very very little and they're usually completely gross toilet humour type stuff. This is what this plotting is, I know this for sure as my mother has told me.

I am scared enough as it is as I HATE being the centre of attention at the best of times. I am so nervous about my whole wedding for this very reason and can picture myself walking down the aisle hiding my face behind my flowers. For him to bring up all that other stuff would just be horrible for me.

I don't want to upset my family at all. Me and my fiance considered skipping speeches altogether, both for this reason and also because him and his best man are Asian and not used to English weddings and very unfamiliar with the speech process, as is his family. I do however think people should be thanked, and people deceased mentioned. I suggested to my fiance that we go against tradition, bite my self consciousness and have both him and me make a seperate speech instead of the traditional best man and father of bride speech. I am very nervous about this but feel I would be less nervous in the build up to it than if I knew my dad was going to make a speech.

Any suggestions/advice/wisdom? I am struggling a bit with this here, feel in a bit of a whirlpool.

Thanks for the replies :)

 @mari892:  Thanks, yes this was what I was considering, have myself and my fiance do brief speeches instead, and glad you said that because now I know nobody would think it at all weird :) I think the venue is providing the dj unless we decide to do the ipod with speakers option, but in any case thanks for the advice I will scout out what the sound plans will be in advance in preparation.

 @ArwenBride:  Glad to hear of someone else who did their speech this way, think this is definite;y what I want to do too, and seeing someone else say they've done it makes me feel better about it :) Yes, I will definitely look into who is in charge of the sound and try to ensure there's no way for someone to grab the mic randomly. And you're right, I guess if the worst case scenario did occur and my dad decided to talk like that then it would hopefully be him that it looks bad upon rather than me.

 @FutureMsVW:  Absolutely agree, definitely isn't worth stressing about as it will ruin the day. That's decided then, me and fiance will do the speeches.

Thanks everyone, I feel a whole lot better now. This place is great :)

@BlushingBee:  What a nice reply! Thankyou very much for your advice xx

I see alot of other posters have replied already. But it is terrible that you have to go through this. Definitely let him know in advance that you and FI will be doing short speeches. Make sure you get FI to back you up on this. And tell the DJ to do like the producers do at the award shows if Dad tries to grab the mic and start talking: turn OFF his mic and starting playing music. Good luck!